:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Week 17 Picks ::

First off, apologies to my loyal readers for missing last week's Recap column. I know you were all crestfallen when Wednesday came around and realized that it might not happen. Thanks for sticking around anyway. There's a lot I wanna say about last week's games except that it boils down to this: that was quite possibly THE WORST week of football for me on both a personal and professional level. Personal because my 49ers somehow pooled together the foolhardy temerity to go ahead and actually win a game against the St. Louis Rams, who, if it was up to me, would be banished to a circle of Hell reserved only for the likes of Hitler, Ted Bundy, and the parsimonious prick who stiffed me on a $70.00 bill even after I happily informed him of a few good tourist stops in South Beach and refilled his iced tea so often that I'm pretty sure he's pissing lemon zest. It sucked professionally only because I write these columns under the delusion that I'm a legitimate sportswriter or something and that my picks went a combined 6-9 and many of those picks were even more retarded than the guy who actually thought that "Joey" was a good idea. (No more run-on sentences here on out.)

And there's a potential 4-way tie in the Reggie Bush sweepstakes between SanFran, Houston, Green Bay, New Orleans, and the Jets. If that happens, it looks like Houston might get the top pick based on the tiebreak that's determined by division losses, strength of schedule, and possibly the combined weight of their starting offensive linemen. As much as I really wanna believe that my 49ers pulled out a win because they played hard, I really believe, even though there's no way to prove it, that the Rams purposely laid a stinker last Sunday just to spite their hated rivals in order to prevent them changing the face of the division against them. Either way, I'm openly wishing Ass Cancer on each and everyone one of the people involved in any with the St. Louis Rams organization, be it players, coaches, waterboys, or fluffers.

Chargers beat Broncos:
Denver is resting their key players for the playoff run but given the way a San Diego team with so much talent can self-immolate over 17 weeks, I'm almost certain they're gonna lose just to spite me. If San Diego really wants to do something in the postseason the next few years, they'd call for the death of Martyball.

Giants beat Raiders:
Does anyone else besides me think that the Giants going to be the first team eliminated from the playoffs? Sure they have the great Tiki and a pretty good defense but in order to do well in the playoffs, you need a QB who doesn't get happy feet under pressure and throws better than a 52% completion rate (are you listening Mike Vick?). Then again, teams have won Super Bowls with Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson so what the hell do I know.

Patriots beat Dolphins:
The popular picks seems to be Miami in this game since they've been playing surprisingly well the last month and New England is going to mail it in for their final regular season game. Except Bill Belichick is known for not allowing down weeks and after a couple of brilliant weeks, Chris Chambers is back to being Chris Chambers and Ricky Williams' beard is going to get called for illegal motion. Last point, who would you pick, Gus Ferotte on the road or Tom Brady at home in Foxborough?

Bills beat Jets:
I actually want the Jets to win this game but I just can't see it happening. I'll say this about Jets fans; they might be most loyal, yet most delusional group of fanatics ever to follow a Super Bowl team. My ears are still bleeding from the proclamations of a Super Bowl berth right after Chad Pennington's breakout year not too long ago. That's like saying that Van Halen would dominate the charts and sweep the Grammys just because Sammy Hagar had one good song. (Notice how Van Halen references have become something of a safety net for me if I can't think of anything else?)

Bucs beat Saints:
People think New Orleans coach Jim Haslett must have big, hairy, brass ones to ask for a 5-year contract extension with after leading his team to a lousy 46-50 record during his coaching tenure, kinda the same way Farrah Fawcett turned into Mariah Carey (in her previous life) after one good year of "Charlie's Angles." No one can convince me he wants a real extension. He wants out of the Big Easy so badly he just upped his demands to point that ownership has no point but to say no to him.

Panthers beat Falcons:
I can't believe just how soft the Panthers looked last week when they lost to the Cowboys. That said, does anyone else thinks it's completely ridiculous that Vick is trying his hand at being a sports agent? I wish the good people of Atlanta would stop the Mike Vick navel-gazing and tell him that he should eventually try his hand at being a quarterback. Also, I want coach Jim Mora Jr. to have a long career as an NFL head coach just because after last week's press conference meltdown, I'm convinced we've only barely scratched the surface for unintentional comedy that could make his distinguished father look sane.

Ravens beat Browns:
Brian Billick has been with Baltimore - a team known for defense more than anything else - so long that I actually forgot that he was once a highly regarded "offense oriented" coach. On that note did anyone even know that NBC was once known for its potent comedy lineup? Or that the New York Times was once regarded as the benchmark or truth and objectivity in journalism? Or that people at one time actually thought Michael Keaton was a respectable actor with a bright future?

Packers beat Seahawks:
Seattle is going to resting a lot of guys for the playoffs so there's a decent chance at a meaningless upset here. Still something tells me that given Seattle's tortured history, we're in a for an epic playoff collapse rivaled only by the Yankees in 2004 in the ALCS. You have no idea how happy that would make me.

Colts beat Cardinals:
Given the spectacular offensive showings of young wide receivers Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald, who ever thought the Arizona would be the standard for drafting talented wideouts? (Are you paying attention Detroit?)

Bengals beat Chiefs:
I know that given their long, long, loooong history of sucking, being new to this whole "winning" thing which is the only explanation for players dousing the coach in Gatorade during the regular season. But given their naïveté, I still giggle at the thought of Chad Johnson during media week if they somehow managed to get to the Super Bowl, especially after last week's Santa Claus act for the fans. Not only would the prospect of potentially classic soundbites, quotes, and antics from Johnson be a reporter's wet dream realized, the fact he'd be adored by the media despite being such an attention whore is enough to make Keyshawn Johnson's and Terrell Owen's head explode. And you have no idea how happy THAT would make me.

Steelers beat Lions:
I can't tell you how inspired it was for me to watch the entire Dedtroit fan base despise GM Matt Millen to the point that they're wearing opposing jerseys to home games that I now want Niners fans to start wearing sweaters that call for the Yorks to sell the team and stop burying the franchise under a pile of giant turds. Seriously, can we draft new ownership?

Jaguars beat Titans:
Given the similarities of Tennessee QB Steve McNair and Brett Favre - both are talented QBs who are now leading teams with drastically deplete rosters, both with bad losing records - why won't anyone talk about how McNair has put up some pretty decent number almost all by himself?

Texans beat (my dumbass) 49ers:
Don't even get me started. Just don't. I mean it. I could go on forever about this.

Redskins beat Eagles:
Something about this team reminds me of the Chicago Bears in 2001 when they went 13-3 and made it to the second round of the playoffs. Stifling defense, and an offense that had one good WR and not much else. Even Patrick Ramsey reminds me in some ways of the poor guy who had to come in for Jim Miller when he hurt his shoulder. And we all know what happened to Chicago the following seasons (or at least everyone in Chicago does).

Bears beat Vikings:
Despite all his protests about being a "Super Bowl winning Quarterback," the moment Brad Johnon gets pummeled by Chicago's defense, he's going to be reminded of the defense he played with in Tampa and finally admit "ok, maybe that D was the reason I have a Ring."

Cowboys beat Rams:
Given each teams history of their crimes against my Niners, I really don't know who I hate more in this matchup.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:56 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Signs I May be Hanging out in One Place Way too Often ::

You non-Florida readers may recall the mention of Taste Bakery Cafe in my blog from time to time. It's almost my home away from home since they have free refills, good sandwiches, free WiFi, and quite possibly the best muffins in all of God's Green Earth.

Well, they've had a "Help Wanted" sign up for the last few weeks and they seem to need a cashier/barista pretty badly. I'm here so often that the owner just offered me that job. If not for the fact that I just got hired at a restaurant, I probably would have leaped over the counter and kissed the guy on the mouth.

If that's all it takes to get hired I think I'll just go to the Crispin Porter + Bogusky office and hang out in the lobby for the next few weeks.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 4:26 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: More conversations I may or may not have had ::

DK: Do you have any scented candles?
Me: Not at the moment.
DK: I'm definitely gonna get some candles for my place once I get down there.
Me: That would be cool.
DK: Are there any particular smells that you like? (Hmm, let me think) I'll get one just for you.
Me: Umm, I love the smell of bacon.
DK: (Pause) Bacon?
Me: Totally. I love how after I cook bacon in the morning, the smell lingers in my apartment when I get home later that night. It's great.
DK: Bacon.
Me: Don't you agree? (This is the point where I can almost hear her shaking her head over the phone.) You had something else in mind didn't you?
DK: You want me to get you a bacon-scented candle?
Me: (Thinking...) They probably don't make those, do they?
DK: No.
Me: Maybe we should just go with what you like.
DK: I think that's a good idea.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:03 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Signs that I'm not Exactly Cell-phone Savvy ::

I've only owned a cell for a little over two years and before then I fiercely resisted getting one unless absolutely necessary, and even then only by gunpoint. Given my disdain towards poor cellular etiquette, the proliferation of phones with more pointless gadgets than Jenna Jameson's vibrator drawer, and my own old-school approach towards technology in general, it seems I'm still playing catch-up.

For example:

• I never realized how convenient an earpiece really is until four months ago.

• My 27-month old phone was one of the first with a camera. Except that the camera part was a separate piece that you had to plug into the bottom of the phone to use.

• It still takes me forever to pound out "where are you?" when texting.

• It might help me to type out "where r u" instead but I abhor that type of grammar.

• I find those walkie-talkie phones to be the stupid AND annoying. Kinda like my ex.

• I thought this archaic thingy was totally freakin' cool.

• I absolutely refuse to use a ringtone, and instead use a standard ringer that I've yet to hear anyone else use. (Even though that one Nokia commercial with the dude singing the "Dukes of Hazzard" showtune is pretty cool.)
  

• Despite the fact that every cell phone has Caller ID, I still tend to pick it up without looking at the screen and answer with a "hello" in the form of a question.

• Likewise, when I call someone and they answer by saying "hey Dan-E" I'm a little surprised that they know it's me that's calling.

• Also, when I leave a message for someone who's number I just got, I still say my name and number, including the area code, even though I know in the back of my head that my number is flashing on their screen.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:11 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: So umm... ::

I'm typing this after a long day at work and tall glass of Black and Tan (Guinness Draught and Sierra Nevada Pale Ale; it's excellent) so I'll keep this short:

I've met someone. I'm at a loss as to explain exactly what happened and how it got to this point other than it kinda snuck up on me. She's also a student but unlike me, she's gonna end up with one of those smart-people degrees. I've been talking to her for the last couple of weeks and I can't seem to get her out of my head, nor do I really want to. She hasn't been mentioned before in my blog, partly because of all other stuff that's been going on but like I said earlier, I wasn't really sure what to make of the whole thing. But I'm pretty sure she has a huge crush on me. And I only say that because she told me "Dan-E, I have a huge crush on you." (I'm incredibly perceptive that way.)

She has these amazing blue eyes, and a great smile. She's easygoing, caring, fiercely loyal, and quite the goofball, but that's part of her appeal. There have been moments where she's made me question my judgement (as well as her mental health) but they've been outweighed by the great moments where I wonder where she's been my whole life. Nothing is official, nothing is set so there's a chance she could eventually come to her senses. She's returning to Florida in January. I have no idea where this is going but I'm more interested in the journey (as in adventure, not Steve Perry and company) and learning more about my travel companion. Stay tuned.

Oh yeah, she doesn't smoke =P

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:10 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Merry Christmas! ::

Christmas was never supposed to be about gifts anyway. It's about family, friends, good memories of the past year, and eggnog spiked with lots and lots of rum.

Merry Christmas everyone!

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:16 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Week 16 Picks ::

So my first official day of work starts Monday, which is cool since I can relax over the weekend in front of the tube and football all day! All weekend!

St. Louis over Frisco:
So there's talk now that Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush might actually stay one more year in college? Don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare. Don't even do that to me. Rams Suck.

Miami over Tennessee:
I can't believe just how bad the Dolphins looked in the first half against the Jets and just how good they looked in the second. Last week's game is so indicative of their season in that it's more schizoid than Kirstie Alley at a buffet.

New Orleans over Detroit:
Things are so bad in the Motor City that Lions fans arrived at last week's game in Bengals Orange shirts and openly calling for the firing of General Manager Matt Millen. And I thought fans in Philly were tough. At least they still have hockey.

Tampa Bay over Atlanta:
Apparently, mom was right. The Bucs were trounced so badly last week that coach John Gruden's face actually stayed that way for a good four days after the game.

Redskins over Giants:
I can't think of anything to write about this game so I gotta ask, is it weird in here or is it just me?

Carolina over Dallas:
Suck it Cowboys.

Houston over Jacksonville:
I can't believe the Jags almost lost my to 49ers last week. They play good teams really tough but they always manage to play down to the level of the inferior teams. I don't care how many injuries they have, there's no way they should have won by only one point last week. That's like me going up to umm... uhh... sorry, my similie well is dry tonight.

Cincy over Buffalo:
I'm gonna watch this game just because I'm morbidly curious as to what Chad Johnson's touchdown celebration involving a deer is going to look like. I want to see him drag out a grill and roast some venison for the fans in the front row.

Pittsburg over Cleveland:
Since I can't think of anything to say about this game either, there's a gay dude at my restaurant. Is it just me or is everyone other guy named "Chad" gay?

San Diego over Kansas City:
My instincts actually told me to pick the Charger over the Colts last week but something held me back. I think it's because I'm a dumbass.

Philly over Arizona:
Whatever.

Colts over Seattle:
Am I the only one who thinks that whole "let's win this one for Tony" is gonna carry this team this week? Does anyone really think Seattle is that good? They play in the single worst division in all of football! And if it wasn't for Jay Feeley's gimp leg, they'd have lost that game, too. Sure they're good but they're more overrated than Johnny Damon's bloated stats.

Denver over Oakland:
I don't care.

Chicago over Green Bay:
I previously wrote that the Bears should keep Kyle Orton over Rex Grossman. I wrote that Brett Favre could take a mediocre team and guide them to the playoffs. I also thought that once I lost all that weight, I'd be a total lady's man. I'm clearly the funniest blogger on the planet.

Minnesota over Baltimore:
Kyle Boeller? Meet bench. Bench? This is Kyle. (What is it with sucky QBs named Kyle anyway?)

New England over Jets:
At least the girls in Boston still have Tom Brady to drool over.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:29 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: It's "Merry Christmas" and Fuck You if You don't Like it ::

I found this most excellent Flash Christmas Card while visiting Sky's website.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:38 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Hi-ho, Hi-ho P.II ::

So I've spent the last three evenings training at this restaurant and so far, it's been pretty nice. The managers aren't dickheads, the other waiters are very friendly, and the best part is that they provide all trainees with a free meal at the end of the day. I can't remember the last time I had a really good seafood dinner three nights in a row. And you have to love the fact that even on my second day of training, they talked me into staying for the company Christmas party, where I was forced to ingest quite a bit of free beer and food. (I would have blogged about this sooner but I've been, uhh, distracted the last few nights.)

Training on the floor has been easy since I have a few years as a server under my belt but the hard part is that they're quite adamant about memorizing as much of the menu as possible. It may not seem demanding at first until I saw that they have 15 different items under sauces and dressings alone. I've spent the last few mornings studying the Training Manual (which by the way, is a letter-sized book that's an inch thick, just to be a damn WAITER. I'm not complaining) trying to learn the various ingredients and the order-taking ritual. Ever been to a restaurant where after you order a dish, there's a seemingly interminable succession of choices regarding your meal? (How would you like that cooked? Would you like soup, salad, or pasta? What kind of dressing? Marinara or white clam sauce? Paper or plastic? Spit or swallow? Sorry, I'm digressing...) That's us. Which is good for the customer but kind of a pain for us to learn the procedure. Seriously, I don't think I studied this hard in college (which goes a long way towards explaining why I didn't finish art school till I turned 31).

Luckily, the staff is pretty nice and it's like every South Beach restaurant I've worked at in that I'm sometimes the token straight guy. I don't wanna say the majority of waitstaff is really gay but you couldn't find a bigger flame on the grill during a flare-up. Not that there's anything wrong with that. There are four girls on the staff as well (not including Hector) who are all also very friendly and everyone's helped us newbies feel right at home. Anyway, give it a week I should have some interesting stories to blog about.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 12:34 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Et Tu Johnny? ::

David "Big Papi" Ortiz may be the soul the Boston Red Sox but Johnny Damon was its scruffy Poster Boy, and now he's gonna have to trim the Jesus look and play for the Yankees. Since I'm a little more objective about this (being a Dodger fan) I can say that I don't really blame him for going to the Yankees. They clearly showed interest and aggressively pursued him, and it's actually been surprising just how lackadaisical the Sox front office was in trying to resign him. Seriously, management dropped the ball worse than Tony Graffanino during Game 2 against the White Sox.

I can imagine what Sox fans are thinking though. They probably haven't seen anyone sell out this fast since... I don't know... since R.E.M. recorded "Shiny Happy People."

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:00 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Hi-ho, Hi-ho... ::

Today is my first day of training at the restaurant and I just realized it's literally the first day of work for me all year. (That internship in Prague and freelance don't really count.) That's just so weird to me. No wonder I felt like such a complete bum sometimes. Anyway, wish me luck and pray I don't drop anything.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:55 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Week 15 Recap ::

This is where the football season gets interesting, with many playoff implications on the line. Also, it's less than week till Christmas. Do you know where your elves are?

• Colts lose. Since we can stop wondering about whether Tony Dungy is going to rest his players, the rest of the world can now go on with their lives and focus on more important stuff. Like whether or not Ron Artest might end up on the Lakers, debating if Jessica Simpson's new collagen-enhanced lips are just gaudy (they are), or trying to figure out just who exactly The Carver is on "Nip/Tuck."

• Also, Petyon already looked like he's in playoff form. (D-CAF!!!)

• Maybe it's just me but Houston's second win kinda felt the same to me the way Soap Opera fans must have felt when Susan Lucci finally took home a trophy.

• This was the first time in a while that I got to watch my 49ers play. I don't wanna say that our team looked bad but the last time I saw a group of people drop the ball this much, Mike Brown was head of FEMA. I don't wanna say our season looks bleak but even the guys on the Lions and the Texans are happy that they're not playing for Frisco. I don't wanna say that our offense looked inert but I saw a lot more energy from Terri Schiavo (too soon?).

• Last weekend a movie about gay cowboys called "Bareback Mountain," was released. That same weekend, the Cowboys get spanked by the Redskins 35-7. Coincidence?

• Note Completely Unrelated to Football: I just ordered a peppermint hot chocolate from Starbucks for the first time and let me tell you... it's awesome.

• Houston's season is so bloody awful that they somehow managed to screw up their chances to draft Reggie Bush. I'm convinced that their win over Arizona was totally an accident.

• After hearing those sound bites from Don Shula and Bob Greise from the last undefeated team talking about how they didn't have champagne, but instead toasted Diet Coke and how they're not "angry old men" or whatever, all I could think about was how Al Bundy from "Married with Children" desperately clinging on to his glory days as a high school football player. Except Al had an ounce of dignity.

• I saw part of the Detroit game. It's nice to see that the guys on the Lions haven't completely given up. They played very hard and lost very bad.

• Speaking of which, Chad Johnson's touchdown celebration this week consisted of merely handing the football to the ref. Perhaps a little ode to Barry Sanders? There's no joke here, I think that was his tribute to the greatest Detroit Lion ever. Which proves my theory that as outlandish as his antics may be, as much as he may be an attention whore, unlike Terrell Owens his first desire and primary goal is for his team to win. And Chad actually has respect for the game. I could go on about this but that almost its own column.

• Second Note Completely Unrelated to Football: Don't you love how I've become so self-important that I'm actually referring to my weekly recaps as "columns?"

• It may look like I'm flip-flopping more than John Kerry about the Patriots are looking pretty good they made a strong statement yesterday: Tampa is waaay overrated.

• Naturally, now that their playoff hopes are erased and their season is gone, the Eagles string off two wins in a row. Rams suck.

• Houston is the best team in the NFL right now. Seriously, follow along. They just beat Arizona who earlier this year beat Cleveland, who beat Miami, who beat San Diego, who just beat the formerly undefeated Indianapolis Colts. AND they might still get the Number 1 draft pick. How awesome is that? (This is my last "Houston Sucks" joke, I promise. And you've no idea how long I've been waiting to use that joke.)

• Someone told me that every time Chris Chamber drops a pass, an angel gets her wings.

• Final Note Completely Unrelated to Football: I'm not sure if my last post about staying in Miami seemed whiney or negative but that's not how I meant for it come off. Certainly, there are things I'll miss about going back home but this is stuff that hits me every now and then any time of the year. I really am looking forward to the holidays.

Next week, in tribute to the TopCats (lesbian) Cheerleaders, my rendition of "I Saw Mommy Kissing a MILF."

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:23 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Home (in Miami) for the Holidays ::

This upcoming Christmas should be interesting since it's my first outside of L.A., away from friends and family. I'll miss seeing mom and dad. I won't miss my pops questioning my future and how mom compares me to my 7-years-younger brother just because he happens to have a job and a girlfriend. I will miss meeting his (latest) girlfriend and our discussions about the sorry state of my 49ers and the Lakers. I'll miss out watching the Lakers play the Heat, just like last year, with both of us yelling at the TV for Kobe to take the shot, and everyone else to step and play some defense, and each of us sulking off to our respective rooms without saying a word after they lose, just like last year.

I'll miss seeing my best friend and his (my surrogate) family and the annual Christmas Eve dinner at their place. I'll miss that dinner, which is an all-German spread of meats, cheeses, bread, and beer. (I'm really gonna miss that beer.) I'll miss my best friend picking me up at the airport and driving directly to In 'n Out so I can chow down on a couple of my favorite burgers. I'm totally going to miss seeing my little niece for the first time in person.

I'll miss ski season again as well the awesomeness of being able to go skiing all day, drive two hours west, and have dinner by the beach. I'll miss the way you can feel the air change and the smell of the salty air as you drive towards the beach. I totally miss Baja fish tacos. I miss the smell of the mountains and the peace and tranquility of the desert. I'll miss Mark and Brian in the Morning. I'll miss all you can eat sushi with PK and being able to congratulate him and his wife in person for their baby that's coming in a few months.

But despite that, I'm looking forward to the holidays. I'm looking forward to celebrating with friends. I'm looking forward to witnessing whatever freakish occurrences might happen in this city this time of the year instead of just hearing about it. I'm looking forward to January. I'm looking forward to an unknown future.

I'll miss a lot of things about 2005, but I'm very much looking forward to 2006.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 9:47 PM [+] :: | 1 comments
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:: Week 15 Picks. ::

Ok, I just got home from a BBQ that had way too much beer so I'm a little too tired to make any witty commentary with my picks. Rams suck.

Patriots over Bucs (Nature Theory)
Chiefs over Giants
Broncos over Bills
Cards over Texans
Seahawks over Titans
Colts over Chargers
Jaguars over 49ers
Panthers over Saints (Nature Theory)
Rams over Igles
Dolphins over Jets
Steelers over Vikings (and to think I had some more Love Boat jokes)
Raiders over Browns
Bengals over Lions (Nature Theory again. Come on, a tiger could totally kill a lion.)
Cowboys over Redskins (Just like the Old West)
Bears over Falcons
Packers over Ravens

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 4:07 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: I'm here till Tuesday. Tip your waitress. ::

Once or twice a year my school offers a class called "Stand-up Comedy." This class is exactly how it sounds. The purpose of this class is ostensibly for students to learn to write funny as well as how to present themselves in front of an audience. But really, it's either a way to torment shy students or another outlet for attention whores whose greatest memories of childhood was show-and-tell days. I fall into the first category.

Last night was the performance for this quarter's group of victi... students and it brought back a flood of memories from the time I took the class earlier this year. I even wrote about how while I enjoyed the class itself, I had trepidations about going in front of a 100 people and trying to make them laugh. But I guess I really didn't need to worry since I did alright.

I knew a few people that were in this group and really wanted them to do well. There are always one or two students that don't generate much laughter but the nice thing about performing at school is that you're comfortably ensconced in the cocoon of fellow students who are kind enough to root for you to do well and drunk enough to laugh at just about anything, even if the material is bad enough to silence the crowd at the Apollo.

There was a variety of great material and fortunately, other than a few moments of life support, no one bombed. Not surprisingly, some of the funniest stuff came from the kid that's normally one of the quiet ones. The headliner was this girl (finally!) who looked like she had quite a bit of stage experience. (That or she's the world's biggest drama queen.) Either way, she was awesome and while that quiet kid's material was funnier, her polished stage presense made hers the most well-rounded act.

I was talking to a buddy who also took that class and reminisced about our own experiences. We found humor in the fact that though we're graduates of an "Art" school, we both considerd Stand Up Comedy to be our best classes. Yep, $3500 a quarter.

Image Courtesy of Josh Neuman at www.surrealart.com.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:23 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Actual conversations I may or may not have had in the last week: ::

Some of these are paraphrased since I can't remember the exact words, but the spirit of the conversation is there.

At a South Beach Poolhall called Felt:
Me: I can't sink anything tonight
DT: I'm having trouble too.
Me: It's weird playing on good pool tables with good sticks. (Holding up cue) these are actually straight.
DT: And the balls don't roll sideways at the last second.
Me: I play so much better on shitty tables. This place sucks dude. Next time we're going to Playwright. (I shoot and miss. Again.) Dammit.

At Lost Weekend:
DT: (Checking out a girl wearing lo-cut jeans) I love it when you can see those lines on their midriffs, just above the beltline, right at the hips.
Me: Yeah, they're like arrows pointing to the Promised Land.
DT: EXACTLY.
Me: (Holding up my beer) cheers man.
DT: Cheers.

After discussing various shows on the Food Network:
PK: Yeah, I love that channel.
Me: Me too. It's channel is porno for guys that like to eat.
PK: (Pause) You really have a way with words.
Me: So I've been told.

Me playing Wingman at Playwright:
Girl: Oh please, you can't bust my balls. I'm a badass. (laughs.)
DT: I'm not busting your balls. I'm busting your tits.
Girl: Whatever! I'm badass! (laughs.)
Me: Sure you are. Now say it again without laughing.
Girl: I'm... (Giggles) badass... (DT and I look at each other and shake heads, and then look at her). Ok, stop looking at me and say something.
DT: Not a fan of awkward silence?
Girl: No! (Another - this time intentional - silence.) Seriously, someone say something!
Me: Penis.

Standing in line at Starbucks:
Some lady in line behind me: (Taps me on the shoulder) Excuse me.
Me: (Turning around) Yes?
Lady: (Looking surprised) oh, I'm sorry I thought you were a woman.
Me: (Pause. I may have blinked a few times) you thought *I* was a woman?
Lady: Yeah, I just assumed because of the long hair. It's quite lovely.
Me: You thought... (Unsure whether to be offended that I was mistaken for a woman or flattered that my hair is... ugh, lovely) did you not see my big hairy legs sticking out from my shorts?
Lady: No, 'cuz I just noticed the hair and I was wondering what products you use.

Talking to a friend about heartbreak:
Me: That first time always sucks the most. But I think you get used to it.
DK: (Skeptical) How do you get used to it?
Me: Well, I mean like, it gets easier, I think. You learn how to deal with better. I'm probably not explaining this properly 'cuz...
DK: I think I know what you're trying to say.
Me: ...'cuz I was thinking: it's like giving birth, the first one hurts like hell but I read that it's supposed to get easier as you...
DK: UGH.
Me: Ok, that may have been a bad example.
DK: Ya think?
Me: Heartbreak is like... is like... I can't think of another analogy.
DK: It's like anal sex...?
Me: There you go.

That's not even half the stuff that I... actually, I should shut up now.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:16 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
.....

:: Another Quick Question ::

If you're in a car with someone and that other someone is constantly on the cell phone, am I wrong when I say that I find it annoying and somewhat rude? Granted, this person picked me up in their car and all, but still. Or is this just how things are nowadays and I should just shut up?

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:00 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Week 14 Recap (and some stuff completely unrelated to football): ::

This week's set of games actually had interesting results in that a lot of the better teams either lost or had trouble putting away the weaker teams. Cincy squeaked by Cleveland, Denver edged Baltimore, Miami somehow beat San Diego as did Dallas over Kansas City. The Giants' Jay Feely redeemed himself with an OT field goal over the Igles, and Green just got by Detroit. (Ok that last one was a joke.)

• Baltimore Ravens RB Jamal Lewis never played a down even though he was in uniform, due to a "sore hand." He shouldn't spend so much time on his computer "playing with his mouse." Sore hand or not, I can guess which finger he wanted to show his coach for benching him.

• Speaking of his coach, I'm glad Baltimore lost for no other reason than Brian Billick publicizing his mid-life crisis by wearing a leather jacket in the snow and sporting aviator sunglasses despite the fact that game didn't end until long after the sun went down. Seriously, if you can think of anything that looks stupider than wearing sunglasses at night (or indoors) please let me know. (I may be a bit harsh. It's entirely possible he kept them on so it'd be harder for him to see how bad his teams sucks. But still.)

• Completely unrelated to football: An old friend of mine that I talked to, when asked if she checks my blog said "sometimes, but I always check right after a hurricane hits just so I know you're still alive."

• Any truth to the rumors that Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is in line for the next face transplant surgery?

• Completely unrelated to football (read: reason I should probably cut my hair): In the last week, I've had four women approach me to ask how I got my hair the way it is or what my hair care regimen is. One even asked what products I use. That's exactly the word they used, "regimen." I didn't even know it was possible to have a regimen for hair. All I do is wash, condition, dry. That's it. (Also, I use Tresemmé shampoo and conditioner. For no other reason than I could get two 32oz bottles for $5 at Publix.)

• I know they dominated in their last two wins, but let's ease up on the rhetoric about Pats threepeating. They beat up on two very awful teams. And I have this theory that this cold front we're experiencing in South Florida is because of everyone in New England collectively gasping when Tom Brady went down with a bum leg.

• Look, I know I want my 49ers to keep losing so they can pick up Reggie Bush but at least try not to make it look so obvious, ok guys?

• The Houston Texans are the one team that have a worse record than Frisco and despite having arguably better talent, every week they find new and creative ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

• This might be the year that Seattle fans will finally know how it feels to go to the Super Bowl and lose.

• Completely unrelated to football (read: Second reason I should probably cut my hair): You how girls with long hair flip their hair back do so it doesn't get caught between their backs and the seatback? You ever sit behind one of these girls and almost have your eyes gouged out when they do this? Well, yesterday at Taste Cafe, I did this and smacked a woman on the back of her head. I apologized for accosting her with my hair, after which she proceeded to ask me how I got my hair the way it is and what my hair care regimen is.

• I almost didn't write a column today but I remembered that I already had my bye week last month.

• Hey Raiders? Thanks for answer the question, "how can anyone with so many weapons on offense possibly lose to the suck-ass Jets?"

• Completely unrelated to football Part II: Now that it's dropped to a chilly 71 hi/58 low degrees here in Miami, I've been keeping track of cold-weather clothes I've seen at Starbucks the last two hours: 5 wool sweaters, 4 leather jackets, 3 gloves or mittens, 2 fur shawls, and an outdated Members-Only Jacket. (I'm not even kidding, and yes, you can sing it to "The 12 Days of Christmas.")

• I have a thought on how the Dolphins somehow beat San Diego, and it requires invoking my Nature Theory. Dolphins are sometimes mistakenly caught in nets that fisherman use to catch the same fish they feed on. San Diego is the home of the fish taco (actually, it's Baja California but they don't have a football team). The dolphins were so sick of this that they got revenge by coming into San Diego and devouring their signature dish. (I didn't say this thought was funny.)

• I wrote a few weeks ago that the Bears would be wise to ditch Rex Grossman and develop Kyle Orton. I also thought that Frisco RB Kevan Barlow would become an outstanding player; that Seattle would regress to sub-mediocre levels and that Oakland would score left and right on opponents this season. I am clearly the funniest football writer in blogland.

• San Diego RB and Fantasy Jesus LaDanian Tomlinson was reportedly injured in a pileup last week when a guy on the Raider's defense punched him in the midsection while on top of him. Reports were mistaken, since the anonymous player admitted to simply giving him a wet willy.

• Completely unrelated to football Part III: This Starbucks right now consists of half Miami Ad School students and half UM med students. I almost want to see a fight break between the two of them just so I can see which group of nerd/geeks collectively fights more like a girl. Though I think Ad School would win just because (if what I hear is true) students in our school do harder drugs.

• Am I being a bit premature in wanting to file a Missing Persons Report on SanFran wide receiver Brandon Lloyd? I'm only asking because he hasn't been seen or heard from in weeks.

• Completely unrelated to football (read: Third reason I should probably cut my hair): Whenever there's a light directly behind me, my shadow looks like I'm wearing a Darth Vader helmet.

• It's unfortunate that Jets RB Curtis Martin's season ended prematurely due to an injured knee. There's always his considerable talent but he's also one of the game's genuine good guys. And I'm not just saying that because he carried my Fantasy team last year.

Anyway three more weeks of football left before the playoffs and my 49ers clinch the Number One pick in the draft (knock on wood).

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:22 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
.....

:: I'm not 27 any more redux ::

I seem to be in denial about my age. I blogged about this a couple of months ago and you'd think I'd have learned but, no. I can't keep playing sports with the frequency I used to but I keep trying anyway. I played some volleyball Saturday morning, did some soccer Sunday afternoon, and tennis that evening (yes, with TG).

I'm usually pretty beat up after soccer. I play goalie and while I don't have to run as much as others, it's still a demanding position since having a bunch of guys launching balls at your face can be somewhat hazardous (am I right ladies?). And thanks to my volleyball background, I'm always diving at shots and landing on hard-packed dirt, with complete disregard for my personal safety (and my laundry bill). I could have postponed tennis but my apparent love of physical self-abuse won out and I went anyway. I still managed to play for a good hour and a half before my back started to yell "what the hell are you doing to me?!?!"

Now my lower back hurts, my legs feel like noodles, and I have a sore groin. (You ever notice in pro sports when they give out injury reports, how there's always someone with the vaguely termed "minor" groin injury? Well, speaking as a guy, no injury involving the groin is ever "minor." Glad we cleared that up.) Seriously, I woke up this morning around nine and literally couldn't move. I just layed there for about an hour hoping for a quick, merciful death, or at least someone to show up and make me some bacon and eggs. I eventually hobbled my way to the bathroom and took a couple of Advils so I feel better now but, ugh.

I'm gonna take NYM's earlier advice and have a few beers.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 4:30 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Week 14 Picks ::

Good gawd, it's Week 14 already? Hell, it's DECEMBER already. I can't believe how fast this year is going. It probably doesn't help that I'm already getting ahead of myself and looking ahead to spring training.

Minnesota over St. Louis
It's completely fair to say that one should level their expectations of the Vikings since their recent win streaks have come against teams worse than they are. However, considering that they're doing it with Brad Johnson at QB and an inconsistent running game just says that they've been really, really lucky. And the Rams suck. I'm not just saying that because they're a hated division rival. They really do suck.

Oakland over Jets
Raiders RB LaMont Jordan is performing capably, in his first year as a full-time starter. The only thing about him is that while his TD celebration routines are funny, he just hasn't done enough to be deserve performing them just yet. Guys like Chad Johnson and Steve Smith score TDs all the time so they'e earned it. I remember earlier this season when Jordan scored, he pretended the football was a chainsaw and acted like he was chopping down the goal post. It was funny and all but I really wanted the PA announcer to start saying something like "Attention LaMont Jordan! Stop pretending to shop down the goal post! You are 'LaMont Jordan!' Trying having a thousand yard season before you start doing those celebrations! That's right LaMont. I'm talking to you! Are you listening?"

Pittsburg over Chicago
This is my unsure pick of the week since both teams have pretty good defenses and the possibility that the combined point total won't even hit double digits. And now that I've said that, this is going to turn out to be a 37-30 type shootout.

Carolina over Tampa Bay
Remember back in Week 10, after Chris Simms led the Bucs to a dramatic victory over Washington, how there was all this talk about how Simms is the now the future of the franchise?

I don't either.

Indianapolis over Jacksonville
Sure the Jags held the Colts to just 10 points in Week 2 but come on, that was a fluke. I have a feeling that Peyton Manning is reading all this press about how David Gerrard is a starting QB in waiting and chuckling, thinking to himself "yeah, I'll show him exactly what a starting NFL quarterback can do." After which he proceeds to single-handedly dismantle the Jag's defense the same way Neo bitchslapped Agent Smith after finally realizing he's the one.

New England over Buffalo
This week's version of my Nature Theory comes in the form of food, specifically each city's signature dishes. New England Clam Chowda or Buffalo Wings? For me it's, uh, wings. As much as I love clam chowder, my inner primate loves things that involve gnawing on broiled animal flesh off a bone (I also love BBQ ribs), especially if they're hot enough char your lips. But I still pick the Patriots. (Ok, that was pointless. I'll do better next time.)

Bengals over Browns
I admit, I'm one of those that can't wait to see what Chad Johnson is going to do next. I was a little disappointed that he didn't score last week since we didn't get to see his latest TD celebration routine. Not that it would have been a surprise since his "hint" gave away the entire thing like a bad movie trailer anyway.

Houston over Tennessee
Being the winner of this game is like getting the award for "Best Gay Porn Star" at some Porno award show: sure you won something but in the end, you still suck.

Seattle over Frisco
49ers fans, say it with me: Reg-gie! Reg-gie! Reg-gie! Reg-gie!

Giants over Philly
It's gonna take a lot of Chunky soup for anyone on the Eagles are able to start feeling better about this misbegotten season. And considering the level of play, it probably couldn't hurt to send in Donovan McNabb's mom in there for a couple of plays just to see what happens.

Washington over Arizona
Since I can't think of anything to say about this game I'm, uh, gonna move on.

San Diego over Miami
The Chargers have the QB/RB combination that the can Dolphins only dream about. Though that solution may come faster than Dolphans think. Sandy Eggo has to decide whether or not they're going to keep Drew Brees (uh, YEAH) or first-round draft pick Philip Rivers. They're gonna keep one, so chances are very good you'll see the other in a Miami uni next season. You heard it here first (or maybe you already heard it somewhere else and I'm just reminding you).

Kansas City over Dallas
I know Drew Bledsoe had a surprisingly good start to this season but even diehard Cowboys fans can't be surprised that he's reverted to being, you know, Drew Bledsoe. They also need to realize that the Bill Parcells era is coming to a fizzling end. (America's team my pasty white ass.)

Denver over Ravens
I kinda regret having used the "I hope Jamal Lewis didn"t drop stuff in prison" joke earlier this week since I can't think of anything to say about this game either.

Packers over Detroit
This is another sad matchup of two losers. Considering that both General Managers have done poorly in fulfilling the needs of either team, they need to realize that for them, winning this game is like coming in first at the Special Olympics. Sure you may have won a game but you're still retarded.

Atlanta over New Orleans
It's been a while since Michael Vick had a huge running game and you just know that he's going stir crazy staying in the pocket all these weeks. I have a hunch that some of his meetings consists of him on his knees pleading to his coaches for one game to go nuts. "Can I pleeeaaase have just one run that goes more than 10 yards? Please?!"

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:35 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Eat Me ::

I've always been a sucker for free stuff but being a student the last two+ years has made me truly appreciate the value of free food. My favorite local bar called "Dewey's" has happy hour every Friday and that includes a free food buffet. It's not anything great since the stuff consists of overcooked meatballs, rubbery shrimp cocktail, stale chips and tepid salsa, and other stuff that's been deep-fried beyond recognition. But hell, it's free.

Except their deep-fried stuff includes eggrolls. Now I've had authentic eggrolls that are ethereally light and flavorful that can easily rank in the Top 10 best meals I've had in my lifetime. Dewey's eggrolls are the kind that would make a real Chinese dude so angry that he might abduct the cook, tie him to a rack, and torture his hands till they almost fall off (honk if you get that joke). And yet, I've yet to talk to anyone at my school that doesn't find them irresistable and borderline addicting. They're kinda like those awful hot dogs you get at run-down gas stations. You know it's bad for you and that nothing good can come from eating them but you find yourself reaching for you one anyway and those first few bites are just bliss. You guys know what I'm talking about, right?

(Umm. Me neither.)

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 7:06 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Woo ::

I got a call this morning, and I've finally joined the ranks of the employed, since my interview at the seafood restaurant went well. It's a pretty nice place and I've eaten there a couple of times. I start training a week from now. It's good to know that all my education in the arts isn't going to waste.

My parents would be so proud.

(Oh, I removed the post about the model who got arrested for trying to kill some guys over a block of cheese that she mistook for cocaine. The story was funny but my comments were just too stupid, even for me.)

Anyway, Week 14 Picks are next.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:20 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Oddity of the Day. Or Why I don't Wanna Visit Tampa Any Time Soon ::

I'm not one to stereotype here but this story just goes to prove that models aren't exactly the crispiest chips in the bag.

This is just my opinion but she should have just admitted that she desperately needed cheese at that moment, saying she woke up that morning and thought to herself, "boy I could kill for some provolone." I'm not even joking (ok maybe a little). I'm only saying this because I know quite a few girls that have a food fetish for cheese matched only by their fetish for shoe sales and scrapbooking. It's not exactly a secret that models never eat so she could have totally played the sympathy angle.

Judge: How do you plea?

Public Defender: We plea "Innocent" Your Honor. She suffered from temporary insanity brought on by hunger.

J: I'm sorry, "hunger?"

PD: Yes Your Honor. You see, she's a model and she hadn't eaten in days. She saw the block of Swiss and just lost it.

J: Well, ok then. Time served. Next case.

(Considering the time I'm writing this, I have a feeling I'm gonna read this in morning and think to myself, "did I really type this shit?")

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:45 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: I got Tagged. Again. ::

*SIGH* Ok for this one you Google your name and the word "needs" in quotations. I tried "dan-e needs" and all I got was "Did you mean: "dane needs"" (no dumbass) and "Dan-E needs a roommate." All that means is that there's some unoriginal prick out there who not only stole the spelling of my name but is also scaring away the people they live with.

So I finally got around to doing this with "danny needs" and got these:

Danny Needs Surgery ... like I need another hole in my head. Actually, I've been asking around about the going rates for a frontal lobotomy. Or a breast reduction.

"Danny" needs to know that the adults who love and care for him are acting co-operatively with him in mind. You've clearly never met my parents.

Danny needs his routine to be consistent. Hey, I wake up at the crack of noon every day. Piss off. Oh, the title for the website where this came from is "Danny's Reduction and off Zyprexa." I thought it was funny. So did I.

Danny needs Rusty more than he needs Tess or the money and he just didn't see it before. And the title of the page for this one is "Everyone in Cell Block E." Don't let the name fool you, Rusty is very gentle.

Danny needs money badly. Danny needs to be exposed for his mob contacts. WHO TOLD?!?!?! You better hope I never find you.

Danny needs to help him out if he is to go to his big gig that Danny needs. Danny needs to stop repeating himself. Really, Danny needs to stop repeating himself.

Danny needs to get more involved in comics Because I need yet another reason for girls not to have sex with me.

Danny needs to eat four items - something sweet, something sour, something bitter and something hot. Being as it she's quite bitter, does my ex-girlfriend count? (I don't even know what that means.)

Danny needs to build organizational skills to stay on-task and complete ... Complete what? Sentences?

"Danny needs to buy a laptop" fund that you're all invited to donate to. I'm probably gonna blow it all on drugs and whores but send money anyway.

So here it is. I'm not gonna tag anyone.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 7:36 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Must be a slow news day ::

This is somehow newsworthy??? Are you kidding me? What's the next, reports that she does the fold-over to save paper every time she wipes her ass? (9 to 1 odds she probably does.)

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 6:29 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Advertising Christmas Card ::

My buddy SD sent me this Copywriter Christmas Card and it's the funniest thing I've seen this month. Given that I've been bitching about my lack of employment the timing was perfect. This may only make sense to people who work on the creative side of the advertising industry... or maybe not? Even though I'm an Art Director (or trying to be anyway), I've done a little copywriting here and there and my overall writing skills aren't terrible, so I can relate.

EDIT: When I got that text from Eve yesterday, I didn't know it was her at first since I deleted her number. I wrote back about an hour or so later - I wanted to finish writing that post; and I got hungry - and just like I expected, I haven't heard from her since.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:11 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: More Pavement Pounding (With my HEAD) ::

Ok, so I get up this morning to resume my job hunt, except I can't because it's raining buckets and I don't have an umbrella. I wait for the rain to stop, which it finally does in the early afternoon. I leave my apartment, only to have it start up again once I get a few blocks away. I think to myself "fuck it" so once it lets up again, I grab my laptop and head over to Taste Bakery to see if I can get any work done.

On the way there, I get a call from the manager of a totally different seafood restaurant that I applied at weeks ago. I have an interview tomorrow at four. Things are looking up.

After being at Taste for about an hour, this cute redhead walks in. We make eye contact, she smiles and says "hey you" like we've met before. I simply smile and reply "hey." In the meantime, I'm racking my brain trying remember how or why I should know her. After she orders, she walks back to my table and we catch up. It seems she's a former student at my school. "Former" because she decided that it wasn't for her so she dropped out to become a writer. Which is cool so I end up with her number. I'm still not exactly sure how that happened. (I'm such a smoothie. Not.)

Good day right? Nope. Being the tormented artsy type, I naturally lament the fact that I'm suddenly getting this female attention at a time when I'm out of school, unemployed, living off the last fumes of my students loans, life is unfair, fight the power, stick it to the man, blah blah blah. Then I remember that I could never quite pull off the tormented artist facade so I stop (Note to guys: if you wanna mimic the tortured artist to pick up chicks, learn from my mistakes and don't, you know, smile so much) and smile to myself because it has been a good day so far.

So far. Remember two weeks ago how I wrote that Eve from Starbucks is out of the picture? Well guess who just text messaged me "How are u?" just now as I was typing this? Go ahead, guess.

And while you're guessing, I'm gonna resume pounding my head against the wall a few dozen more times. More later.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:37 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Quick Question ::

is it possible to be hooked on beer and not be an alcoholic? (Of course this is stricly hypothetical.)

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:55 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Week 13 Recap ::

I sometimes wonder if this is all my blog has become: weekly updates followed by a recap a few days later, with some with some bits of humor, commentary, and the occasional bits about dating. I suppose it could be worse. I could be pouring out my neurosis for everyone to read in an attempt to garner some pity attention but that's just not me. (And I'm don't have a lot of neurosis to share.) Though if it were I'd probably have a lot more readers. Like, 20 or so.

• After yesterday's win over Pittsburg, I finally believe that Cincy is for real. However, let's ease up on the "changing of the guard" rhetoric about the AFC East. They were thoroughly dominated in their first matchup but this win was a squeaker against a team with an average secondary and an injured QB. Considering Big Ben threw three picks, the score shouldn't have been so close. Still, it's good to see a former laughing stock become respectable.

• Remember how I wrote about Brett Favre's horrible play? I'm almost convinced he's either channeling Aaron Rodgers' rookie mistakes or he's mentoring Rodgers by showing him things not to do as an NFL QB.

• Random thought completely unrelated to football: I don't care how skinny a girl is. If her jeans are so tight that her pooch belly pokes out over the beltline like a mini spare tire, that's just not attractive. Either do more crunches or realize that having a waistline bigger than 24" is not the end of the world.

• Baltimore running back Jamal Lewis, who is normally a sure-handed runner, dropped his fifth fumble of the season. He's also had trouble catching passes. I really hope he didn't drop things this often while in prison.

• Christ Chambers caught 15 passes for 200+ yards but he also dropped four passes. He's also dropped at least a couple of passes each game this season. Let's hope for his sake that HE never goes to prison.

• Every football season living in Miami has forced me to listen to crap about that one hallowed season where the Dolphins went undefeated and how they all meet for celebratory drinks and food after the last undefeated team loses. I want the Colts to go undefeated just so I don't have to hear about this pathetic group of geezer with their desperate clench on past glories. They remind of that sad, sad person in their 30s who still talk about their halcyon days that peaked when they were elected to the Prom Court. You think maybe it's karma that's kept Miami out of the Super Bowl all these years? I'm only asking because I actually like the Dolphins.

• Second random thought completely unrelated to football: I wonder if there's any truth to the rumors that the Houston Texans (don't even try to tell me they're a real football team) are trying to get current free agent Roger Clemens to QB next season under the theory that even if he hurls the ball right at opposing defenders, they'll completely miss it 'cuz his stuff is so filthy.

• I used to watch Carolina halfback DeShaun Foster play at UCLA. He was injury prone back than and still is, so every time I see him, I almost expect him to collapse due to some limb tearing off.
  

• The only thing that kept me from being perfect in this week's Picks isn't Jake Plummer's two INTs, but their running back not having the sack to pound his way up the middle for the one yard to get that critical first down. I hate you. You suck. Wuss.
  

• I really like Kurt Warner and seeing him healthy and flourish in Arizona is great. He's one of the good guys in the NFL and he's earned every successful feat he's accomplished. If only he can get his wife to shut up.

• I'm already hating the Alex Smith era. It's not his fault my 49ers are so bad but I don't care. We shouldn't have signed him. And for the few of you wondering why Brandon Lloyd isn't making highlight plays anymore, it may have to do with the fact that when he's not being spectacular, he's crap.

• For those who think life is fair, I offer you this: Detroit Lions GM Matt Millen still has a job after all these years of putting together a losing team after losing team and I can't even get a job pushing coffee. Me? Bitter? (Maybe.)

• Third random thought completely unrelated to football: now that it's dropped to a brisk 72 degrees at night here, I can see why people are starting to break out the wool sweaters and leather jackets.

• I have no doubt that they'll be back next year, but the Patriots have about as much chance of three-peating as I do getting a date with Kelly Monaco.

• My 49er's biggest rival at the moment is the lowly Arizona Cardinals. Last season, our only two victories were overtime wins against them. This year, half the Card's four wins are against us. My kid brother, who at one time was an even bigger Niners fan, has completely given up on not just the team, but also the entire organization. I can't say blame him. And he is the smart one.

• While watching the replays of Carolina WR Steve Smith doing an end zone celebration by pretending to wipe the football like a baby that just pooped itself, my only thought was "considering the football is a similar shape and color to a giant turd, I wonder why no one's thought of this before?" Are you reading this Chad Johnson?

• Considering last week's huge comeback that Hah-vahd (Harvard) grad Ryan Fitzpatrick engineered (pun not intended), I almost wanted him to repeat it this week against the 'Skins. But quoting Nietzsche during huddles and spouting the Pythagorean theorem and Avogadro's Number during audibles probably only works that once.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 7:16 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: I got Tagged. ::

I got tagged for the very first time. My thanks to the Brookester for making me do this meme which is probably gonna take time out of life which I'll never get back and..., oh who am I kidding. I love this crap.

3 names I go by:
Dan-E (pronounced "danny")
Dan (I prefer "danny" but don't ever call me "Daniel")
Dude (but only by my best friend BN)

3 screen names I have:
dan-E
dan_hyphen_e
theHyphenate

3 physical things I like about myself:
My dimples (I used to hate them)
My legs
I have asymmetrical features

3 physical things I don't like about myself:
My midsection
My thick, yet patchy facial hair
I have asymmetrical features

3 parts of my heritage:
Human
Wolf
Freak

3 things that scare me:
Success (I'm an artist)
Commitment (I'm a guy)
Cockroaches (I'm a wuss)

3 of my everyday essentials:
Caffeine
Laptop
Guitar

3 of my favorite musicians:
Bono/The Edge
Jimi Hendrix
Richard Wagner

3 of my favorite songs:
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2
Texas Flood - Stevie Ray Vaughn
One - U2
(The last two change all the time.)

3 things I want in a relationship:
Intimacy
Trust
Fun

3 lies I tell:
"Nothing. I'm just tired" (If you ask me what's wrong)
"I'll call you" (If the date wasn't that good)
"Just give me your money and I won't kill you"

3 physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me:
Eyes (especially big, blue ones)
Smile (can't beat a great smile)
Really nice legs (total leg/ass man)

3 of my hobbies right now:
Playing my guitar
Playing sports
Writing

3 things I want to do really badly now (with a special someone):
(Only three???) Hold her hand
Have a fun, engaging conversation with
Have sex

3 careers I've considered doing:
Rock Star (it could happen)
Psychiatrist (except I can't keep a secret. I LOVE that joke)
Assassin (as a matter of fact, I do have a mental list of people I wanna kill. And I'm a good shooter.)

3 places I would like to go on vacation to:
Europe (especially Ireland)
Australia
Baja

3 kid's names I like:
Chlamydia
Luke and Leia (for twins)
Kenny

3 things I want to do before I die:
Jump out of a helicopter and ski down fresh powder
Be an awesome guitar player
Meet the women of my dreams

3 ways that I'm a stereotypical guy:
I love sports; both playing and watching
Dry, arcane humor aside, I love a good poop joke
I'll eat almost anything that's been deep-fried

3 ways that I'm a stereotypical girl:
I have long hair
I try to smell nice (or at least not smell at all)
I own the "When Harry met Sally" DVD

3 people I would like to see take this quiz:
wumanjoo
Jenne
Nikki
(And anyone else who wants to.)

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 12:02 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Embarrassing Moments ::

Being an introvert, there are a lot of things I enjoy doing but only in the privacy of my own place. (Yeah, especially that.) One of those is singing. I'm not a great singer or anything but back when I had a car, anytime I was alone and on the freeway, I was one of those people you might catch singing along to something on the radio. The car was my own personal recording studio. I memorized songs by U2, Bon Jovi, Tom Petty, and even a couple by Lynyrd Skynyrd (neither of which was "Freebird" or "Sweet Home Alabama"... I am such a Caucasian) thanks to that habit. It's only on the freeway because one my more embarrassing moments involve singing in the car:

I was driving down Artesia with the windows rolled down on a typically warm L.A. morning. There wasn't too much traffic so I was quietly singing along to one of my favorite songs on the radio (I don't recall exactly what song since I've tried - unsuccessfully - to repress this memory). So I pull up to a red light and since the good part was coming up, I really wanted to finish it. I look around just to make sure there's no one within earshot. Since the coast is clear, I close my eyes, and belt out the last few bars like I'm Bono at Live Aid. Song over, I feel good.

And then out of nowhere, I hear clapping.

I look left and I see a couple of girls in a Cabriolet looking at me with huge grins on their face and giving me sarcastic applause. I have no way to confirm this but I'm certain my face turned about as red as my car. I did the best I could slide down into my seat (and through the floorboard, if possible). When the light turned green, I waited until the girls took off before I went on my way, and even then I took a right at the very next light just because I was so embarassed.

Ever since then I still sing in my car, but only on the freeway since I usually have my windows rolled up and people are too busy talking on their cell phones to be looking over at the car next to them.

Granted, it's probably not up there in the embarrassment scale compared to other people and especially since it doesn't start with the phrase "this one time when I was really drunk..." There are a couple even more embarrassing things that have happened but that one just sticks out for me.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:25 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Week 13 Picks ::

Ok, just so we're clear, I don't having anything against Lenny Kravitz. He does have a couple of songs that I don't mind listening to if there's nothing else on the radio. But the thought of him - a derivative musician who makes no qualms about ripping off past artists - playing one of the greatest and most innovative musician/guitarist in the history of Rock, quite honestly, makes my ears bleed.

But I have nothing against Lenny. Anyway, here's my picks.

Miami defeats Buffalo:
I think this is the first time that Dolphans will be happy that their team might actually finish with a .500 record. I mean, after last season's disaster where, I kid you not, Miami sports bars would sometimes hang their flags at half mast, 8-8 would be a success. As a 49ers fan, I can relate. Except for the part about the .500 season.

Tampa Bay defeats New Orleans:
During last week's surprisingly watchable Saints/Jets game, Joe Theismann actually said Saints coach Jim Haslett deserves to be "Coach of the Year" and that he's done a "remarkable" job. This for leading an undisciplined team that's 2-8. I have no way to prove this but I suspect that Broadway Joe may be back on the sauce.

NY(G) defeats Dallas:
I can almost guarantee you that the most-watched moment in football this weekend will be when Jay Feely lines up to go for his first field goal after last Sunday's meltdown. I don't wanna say he's on a short leash but I don't think they'll let him go for anything over, say, 25 yards.

Carolina defeats Atlanta:
Since I can't think of anything to write about this game, can I just say how fucking retarded I thought it was when I read that atheists planned on boycotting the movie "Chronicles of Narnia" because of supposed "religious undertones?" Do these idiots not see that it's the same narrow-minded thinking that makes fundamentalist Christians protest "Harry Potter" movies because it supposedly promotes "pagan Wiccan practices" or some stupid shit like that? Seriously, I want the kind of life where I need to protest stupid shit just so I can say I'm supporting a cause. Actually no, I don't want that kind of life.

Cincinnati defeats Pittsburg:
For sports fans, few things are more fun to watch than players who seem to genuinely enjoy their job. One guy is pitcher Dontrelle Willis of the Marlins and another is Hines Ward of Pittsburg. He's the toughest WR in the league, blocks like a fullback, isn't afraid to run up the middle, and has the athleticism to put up gaudy stats. And yet, every shot of him on the field shows him smiling like he just he just got flashed by Pam Anderson. You have to love that. I feel bad picking against him since Big Ben just doesn't look quite right and there is the possibility of a Tommy Maddox sighting.

Baltimore defeats Houston:
Remember how in "My Best Friend's Wedding" you weren't really sure whether or not the guy would end up with either Julia Roberts or Cameron Diaz? He had both the history and better chemistry with Julia even though Cameron was perkier and hotter. For a while it looked like Julia's scheming might actually work and she'd run away with the guy (she did get top billing after all) but in the end he ended up married to Cameron. It was kinda like that for me while watching last week's Texans/Rams game. Sorta. (I'm sure you can relate.)

Chicago defeats Packers:
The Brett Favre era is grinding to a screeching halt. While no other guy deserves the chance to end his career on his own terms as much as he does, he's been trying way too hard to lead talent and make plays that aren't there. He's making mistakes that would have Eli Manning shake his head (and possibly even Joey Harrington... or not) and it's killing whatever chances his team might have in winning.

Jacksonville defeats Cleveland:
Trent Dilfer? Meet bench. Bench, this is Trent Dilfer.

Minnesota defeats Detroit:
No more "Love Boat" jokes about the Vikings, since it seems like they've somehow salvaged this sinking ship (ok, that was the last one) of a season. And did anyone else foresee QB Brad Johnson leading his team to a 5-0 record during his starts? That's like Sammy Hagar joining Van Halen and somehow keeping them a kick-ass rock band despite the complete change in sound and personality.

Indy defeats Tennessee:
I love Colts coach Tony Dungy's quote after last week's dismantling of the Steelers: "We gotta be able to play with composure in these situations. We're playing with energy, we're playing with emotion, we're playing with talent. When we put it all together and play with composure, we're gonna be very, very tough to beat." Uh, really? Just what happens when the Colts do "put it all together?" Does Peyton Manning suddenly reveal superpowers? Will Marvin Harrison sprout wings and somehow become even more open? Will their defense stop world hunger? Does Dungy know that his team is 11-0? Where am I going with this? Will I ever stop asking questions? Wait, where's everybody going?

Washington defeats St. Louis:
I have to admit, while watching parts of the St. Louis game I couldn't help but be impressed with Ryan Fitzpatrick's composure and passing ability (at least when I wasn't throwing stuff at the TV). And then I remembered that he was playing against the Texans and that even my grandmother could probably have a pretty good game against them and she's been dead for twelve years (God bless her soul).

Arizona defeats San Francisco:
Kurt Warner has been looking like the Warner of old, but every time he passes for over 300 yards, his team loses. His luck as to change eventually and it'll probably happen against my 49ers. Of course, now that I picked against them, it just means Warner's streak will continue. And I have no problem picking the Cards since I've entered that rarified air of rooting for my team to lose so we can have a shot at picking up a Reggie Bush. I'm not proud of this, by the way.

New England defeats NY(J):
Tom Brady never has two bad games in a row and after last week's four INT showing, he's gonna bounce back like U2 after the "Zooropa" album against a Jets team that also seems to be in the running for the Reggie Bush sweepstakes. I should really be rooting for them to win since they're competing against my 49ers but I still want to win a few picks here.

Denver defeats Kansas City:
Jake Plummer showed flashes of his old self by throwing... well... one INT. I don't know exactly what's gotten into him this season. While there are QBs that are late bloomers (Rich Gannon), my theory is that coach Mike Shanahan forced his QB to undergo a lobotomy. Either that or he has blackmail photos of Plummer nekkid with farm animals.

San Diego rapes and pillages Oakland:
LaDanian Tomlinson is in fact the best running back since Marshall Faulk but Marty Schottenhiemer was a little premature in waxing superlatives about him. That said, he's gonna go bonkers anytime he plays against a team that somehow made the Dolphins look good.

Seattle beats Eagles:
This would seem to be the perfect game to invoke the Nature Theory if not for the fact that I don't even know what an actual seahawk is. All I know is that the eagle has landed... and it's tired.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:54 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: 'Scuse me while I... ask for a refund ::

I read that Lenny Kravitz is slated to play Jimi Hendrix in an upcoming biopic.

NOOOOOOOOO.

That purple haze? It's the cloud of dust from people running out of the theater.

This could potentially render the Jimi Hendrix Experience as ultimately forgettable.

And finally, in tribute to this upcoming travesty, I'd like to present to my loyal readers, a song called "Sucky Lenny" written to the melody of "Foxy Lady." Feel free to sing along.

Sucky Lenny

Sucky
Sucky

You know you're a short little wind breaker
Sucky
You know you're a crap weasel song-maker
Sucky

You just a shameless ham
You can't act worth a damn
You really got to die; to die
UGH, Sucky Lenny

I see you, heh, rip off old songs
Sucky
You make our ears shoot out steam
Sucky
A whiny poseur now
We've made up our minds
We're tired of losing our precious hearing
You really got to die; to die
Sucky Lenny
There you go

You just a shameless ham
You can't act worth a damn
You really got to die; to die

There you go
Your career is ova'
Sucky Lenny
You sound so bad
Yeah, Lenny
Yeah, go away
Suck
Yeah, suck it, wank
You make me feel like
Feel like blowin' chunks
Sucky
Sucky Lenny
Sucky Lenny

(This is, by the way, why I don't write my own songs.)

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:18 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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