:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Monday, November 07, 2005 ::

:: Panthers (Lesbian) Cheerleaders Follow-up ::

According to this story, it seems that not only did two cheerleaders get caught having sex in a club bathroom, the blonde one isn't who she said she is.

"Renee Thomas, [20, of Pittsboro, N.C], who made the trip to Florida for Sunday's game between the Panthers and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, was released from jail on $500 bail before police learned she was not the person she claimed to be. ...Detectives are trying to determine how Thomas gained possession of the driver's license of the third cheerleader."

This is just one theory but I'm gonna put this out there: cheerleader lesbian threesome.

To the aforementioned Kristen Owen, who was not involved in that particular situation, I say this: Kristen, I'm sorry I made fun of you on my blog. Come back home. I'll be nice.

Thomas is a student and her profile says the most important thing in life is "live every moment to the fullest and love like you'll never be hurt." Hurt? No. Incarcerated? Well...

(You guys remember "Anchorman" with Will Ferrell? I can't believe it took me this long to remember that "Sex Panther" reference. I'm so ashamed. Anyone remember that Keanu Reeves football strike movie "The Replacements?" Where even the cheerleaders went on strike so they got strippers as replacement cheerleaders? I mention it because you just know that all eyes are going to be on the TopCats at the next Panthers home game. Oh, and someone told me to mention the phrase "Spirit Check." Last thing: You know how I mentioned "Girls Gone Wild" yesterday? Forget that. I guarantee you these girls are gonna end up in "Stuff" or "Maxim." [That reminds me, I have to renew my subscription.])

By the way, if any of you wonder why I don't want any kids, one reason is that I'm deathly afraid of ending up with all daughters. Or even one. Not that I'd mind raising them. I'm just going to end up in jail the first time a boy comes to my house to pick her up and I have to shoot the little rat in the face.

And to bring everything I mentioned so far together: something I wanna do just once before I die. If any of my buddies have a little girl, I wanna be with him the first time he goes to a strip club after that. Now, I haven't been to one in over ten years, nor do I have any desire to go back but I have a good reason for this. Once my buddy gets comfy, I'm gonna get a stripper with a similar hair color to his daughter, pay her to give him a table dance and after a few minutes, lean in and whisper her name in his ear. The punchline is that I'm gonna tell her to use the same name as his daughter preceded by an alliterative adjective (e.g. Slutty Sarah, Lucious Lucy, Chesty Chelsea) . I can only imagine his facial expression. And something tells me that even if I was across the room, I'd be able to tell exactly when that moment is. Actually, that would make a great MasterCard commercial:

Cover charge at a strip club: $10
Two drink minimum: $20
Lapdance: $15
Seeing your buddy's face when he learns the stripper grinding his crotch has the same name as his new daughter: Priceless.

I'm SO going to hell.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 8:41 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
.....