:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::
Thoughts, observations, and introspections from an
:: Saturday, August 20, 2005 ::
Even though I wrote a pretty good set of rules, it's been a while since I had the chance to actually practice it and I finally got around to it Friday night. I was a little rusty but overall, I did well. But I digress. Here's a condensed version of my rules (and keep in mind, I wrote this mostly to show how funny I am):
"Rules to being a Good Wingman"
1. REMOVE HIS BEER GOGGLES: Assess his drunkenness. Know that his judgment of a woman's ass-ets will be off. Even if he's president of the "Butter Face Fanclub," his actions are killing any chance at future booty calls with bipeds. The task of preventing sloppy-skank-shagging is one of a your primary functions so you're allowed any action within legal boundaries to prevent any tragedies. If he ignores your multiple objections in view of at least one credible witness, he's on his own for the remainder of the evening.
2. BACK UP HIS LIES: If your friend is embellishing his status by trying to raise his employment status from "busboy" to "Dwayne Wade's Bodyguard" and the girl he's talking to is become skeptical, it's your job to step in and corroborate his bullsh... story. No lie is too gigantic or too asinine since the plausibility of a lie has strength in numbers. While entitled to a slice of his glory, never leave your pal hanging; if he crashes and burns, so do you. Always stay near the emergency exit ("But enough about us. What do you girls do?") so his cock-and-bull story won't leave your cock feeling blue.
3. SACRIFICE THE BODY: Like playing defense in volleyball minus the beach babes in bikinis. Dating can be ugly, and so is "the friend." Your man is chatting up a hottie at the bar but danger lurks in the form of her drinking buddy, a bitter feminazi that doesn't like to shave and has never missed a meal who'll do or say anything to disrupt his come-ons. If they're not with him, they're against him. It's up to you to keep her from him completing his mission. Feign interest; buy her drinks, nod sympathetically at her "men are jerks" rants, offer to read her paw. Most important, be prepared to go the distance. If you find yourself burdened, literally, close your eyes, go to your happy place, suit up (a biohazard suit if needed), and, take one for the team. Obviously, the pal benefiting from this sacrifice must keep his your awful secret until death. He also owes his friend one beer for every one-to-10 point of attractiveness separating his beauty from your beast.
4. KEEP HIM CORRUPT: Your former lead is MIA. Whether he's heartbroken and won't engage (remember Maverick after Goose died?) or his new warden...er...girlfriend has him in leg clamps, he's left the buffet and is at risk of choking on commitment or cowardice. As his good friend, he hopes you'll understand. You don't. You have to bring your partner back into the fold as soon as possible or he'll never be in a position to do the same for you. Plan according to his disability. Broken heart? Plaster his office with strip club ads, night club fliers, and happy hour paraphernalia, after which you organize a guys night out and get him laid at all costs. Whipped? Use any ploy to get him out on the town. Then grab his keys, line up the shots, and let him unleash his dormant inner fratboy. He'll be so blitzed he won't know Liv Tyler from Seabiscuit. (Which is when you refer back to to Clause #1.) Help him remember what life is all about.
So anyway, those are my Wingman Rules. Like so many things, these are guidelines more than set-in-stone laws but still, use them wisely. Also, I'm sure I left a few things out so feel free to add anything in the comments section.
:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:44 PM [+] ::
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