:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

Thoughts, observations, and introspections from an ~~art student~~ waiter/bartender in South Beach. Arcane humor ensues.

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:: Tuesday, April 19, 2005 ::

:: So we have a New Pope ::
So now that there's a new Pope (although at the time of this writing, we still don't know who it is) I'm guessing there's going to be an onslaught of Catholic humor and "is the (new) Pope Catholic" jokes so I'm gonna hurl the first volley. (And keep in mind, I've been working all day so I'm really tired.)

The new Pope is SO Catholic...
- ...he's already feeling guilty about the appointment.
- ...he was in the confession booth when they found him... confessing his sins.
- ...that during his introductory speech, he said "well, I'm not a religious man..."
- ...when some Cardinal jokingly asked him "how many Popes does it take to change a lightbulb," he replied "we use candles, dumbass"
- ...he declared disassociation with all Protestants.
- ...that when he approached a man about to jump off the building he yells "don't jump! Think of your family!" Man replies "my family is dead." The Pope then goes through a list of people; parents, siblings, friends, etc. Each time the man says they're dead. Desperate the Pope yells "Don't jump! Think of the Virgin Mary!" Man replies "Who?" Pope yells "You're causing a scene Protestant! Jump already!"

You wanna hear a good Catholic joke? Wanna hear it again?

Oddly enough, the thing that finally got the new Pope elected were the returns from the Ohio polls.

Out of habit, John Kerry gave a concession speech.

The new pope is 78. He's so old...
- ... Anna Nicole Smith just announced she's turning Catholic.
- ... he's eligible to pre-board the Popemobile
- ... that he was there when Jesus was Crucifed
- ... that he was the co-author of the Dead Sea Scrolls
- ... that he babysat Yoda. (Oh wait, that's your Star Wars-fanatic dad is so old...)
- ... he doesn't fart dust but he pees Holy Water. Twice a night.

Priests in America are so happy about the announcement that they celebrated with hi-fives as well as patting each other on the butt. As opposed to their normal habit of patting the altar boys...

Ok I've been at this for half an hour and my brain is tired. I'm going to hell.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 12:38 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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