:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Saturday, December 31, 2005 ::

:: Week 17 Picks ::

First off, apologies to my loyal readers for missing last week's Recap column. I know you were all crestfallen when Wednesday came around and realized that it might not happen. Thanks for sticking around anyway. There's a lot I wanna say about last week's games except that it boils down to this: that was quite possibly THE WORST week of football for me on both a personal and professional level. Personal because my 49ers somehow pooled together the foolhardy temerity to go ahead and actually win a game against the St. Louis Rams, who, if it was up to me, would be banished to a circle of Hell reserved only for the likes of Hitler, Ted Bundy, and the parsimonious prick who stiffed me on a $70.00 bill even after I happily informed him of a few good tourist stops in South Beach and refilled his iced tea so often that I'm pretty sure he's pissing lemon zest. It sucked professionally only because I write these columns under the delusion that I'm a legitimate sportswriter or something and that my picks went a combined 6-9 and many of those picks were even more retarded than the guy who actually thought that "Joey" was a good idea. (No more run-on sentences here on out.)

And there's a potential 4-way tie in the Reggie Bush sweepstakes between SanFran, Houston, Green Bay, New Orleans, and the Jets. If that happens, it looks like Houston might get the top pick based on the tiebreak that's determined by division losses, strength of schedule, and possibly the combined weight of their starting offensive linemen. As much as I really wanna believe that my 49ers pulled out a win because they played hard, I really believe, even though there's no way to prove it, that the Rams purposely laid a stinker last Sunday just to spite their hated rivals in order to prevent them changing the face of the division against them. Either way, I'm openly wishing Ass Cancer on each and everyone one of the people involved in any with the St. Louis Rams organization, be it players, coaches, waterboys, or fluffers.

Chargers beat Broncos:
Denver is resting their key players for the playoff run but given the way a San Diego team with so much talent can self-immolate over 17 weeks, I'm almost certain they're gonna lose just to spite me. If San Diego really wants to do something in the postseason the next few years, they'd call for the death of Martyball.

Giants beat Raiders:
Does anyone else besides me think that the Giants going to be the first team eliminated from the playoffs? Sure they have the great Tiki and a pretty good defense but in order to do well in the playoffs, you need a QB who doesn't get happy feet under pressure and throws better than a 52% completion rate (are you listening Mike Vick?). Then again, teams have won Super Bowls with Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson so what the hell do I know.

Patriots beat Dolphins:
The popular picks seems to be Miami in this game since they've been playing surprisingly well the last month and New England is going to mail it in for their final regular season game. Except Bill Belichick is known for not allowing down weeks and after a couple of brilliant weeks, Chris Chambers is back to being Chris Chambers and Ricky Williams' beard is going to get called for illegal motion. Last point, who would you pick, Gus Ferotte on the road or Tom Brady at home in Foxborough?

Bills beat Jets:
I actually want the Jets to win this game but I just can't see it happening. I'll say this about Jets fans; they might be most loyal, yet most delusional group of fanatics ever to follow a Super Bowl team. My ears are still bleeding from the proclamations of a Super Bowl berth right after Chad Pennington's breakout year not too long ago. That's like saying that Van Halen would dominate the charts and sweep the Grammys just because Sammy Hagar had one good song. (Notice how Van Halen references have become something of a safety net for me if I can't think of anything else?)

Bucs beat Saints:
People think New Orleans coach Jim Haslett must have big, hairy, brass ones to ask for a 5-year contract extension with after leading his team to a lousy 46-50 record during his coaching tenure, kinda the same way Farrah Fawcett turned into Mariah Carey (in her previous life) after one good year of "Charlie's Angles." No one can convince me he wants a real extension. He wants out of the Big Easy so badly he just upped his demands to point that ownership has no point but to say no to him.

Panthers beat Falcons:
I can't believe just how soft the Panthers looked last week when they lost to the Cowboys. That said, does anyone else thinks it's completely ridiculous that Vick is trying his hand at being a sports agent? I wish the good people of Atlanta would stop the Mike Vick navel-gazing and tell him that he should eventually try his hand at being a quarterback. Also, I want coach Jim Mora Jr. to have a long career as an NFL head coach just because after last week's press conference meltdown, I'm convinced we've only barely scratched the surface for unintentional comedy that could make his distinguished father look sane.

Ravens beat Browns:
Brian Billick has been with Baltimore - a team known for defense more than anything else - so long that I actually forgot that he was once a highly regarded "offense oriented" coach. On that note did anyone even know that NBC was once known for its potent comedy lineup? Or that the New York Times was once regarded as the benchmark or truth and objectivity in journalism? Or that people at one time actually thought Michael Keaton was a respectable actor with a bright future?

Packers beat Seahawks:
Seattle is going to resting a lot of guys for the playoffs so there's a decent chance at a meaningless upset here. Still something tells me that given Seattle's tortured history, we're in a for an epic playoff collapse rivaled only by the Yankees in 2004 in the ALCS. You have no idea how happy that would make me.

Colts beat Cardinals:
Given the spectacular offensive showings of young wide receivers Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald, who ever thought the Arizona would be the standard for drafting talented wideouts? (Are you paying attention Detroit?)

Bengals beat Chiefs:
I know that given their long, long, loooong history of sucking, being new to this whole "winning" thing which is the only explanation for players dousing the coach in Gatorade during the regular season. But given their naïveté, I still giggle at the thought of Chad Johnson during media week if they somehow managed to get to the Super Bowl, especially after last week's Santa Claus act for the fans. Not only would the prospect of potentially classic soundbites, quotes, and antics from Johnson be a reporter's wet dream realized, the fact he'd be adored by the media despite being such an attention whore is enough to make Keyshawn Johnson's and Terrell Owen's head explode. And you have no idea how happy THAT would make me.

Steelers beat Lions:
I can't tell you how inspired it was for me to watch the entire Dedtroit fan base despise GM Matt Millen to the point that they're wearing opposing jerseys to home games that I now want Niners fans to start wearing sweaters that call for the Yorks to sell the team and stop burying the franchise under a pile of giant turds. Seriously, can we draft new ownership?

Jaguars beat Titans:
Given the similarities of Tennessee QB Steve McNair and Brett Favre - both are talented QBs who are now leading teams with drastically deplete rosters, both with bad losing records - why won't anyone talk about how McNair has put up some pretty decent number almost all by himself?

Texans beat (my dumbass) 49ers:
Don't even get me started. Just don't. I mean it. I could go on forever about this.

Redskins beat Eagles:
Something about this team reminds me of the Chicago Bears in 2001 when they went 13-3 and made it to the second round of the playoffs. Stifling defense, and an offense that had one good WR and not much else. Even Patrick Ramsey reminds me in some ways of the poor guy who had to come in for Jim Miller when he hurt his shoulder. And we all know what happened to Chicago the following seasons (or at least everyone in Chicago does).

Bears beat Vikings:
Despite all his protests about being a "Super Bowl winning Quarterback," the moment Brad Johnon gets pummeled by Chicago's defense, he's going to be reminded of the defense he played with in Tampa and finally admit "ok, maybe that D was the reason I have a Ring."

Cowboys beat Rams:
Given each teams history of their crimes against my Niners, I really don't know who I hate more in this matchup.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:56 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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