:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Saturday, December 10, 2005 ::

:: Week 14 Picks ::

Good gawd, it's Week 14 already? Hell, it's DECEMBER already. I can't believe how fast this year is going. It probably doesn't help that I'm already getting ahead of myself and looking ahead to spring training.

Minnesota over St. Louis
It's completely fair to say that one should level their expectations of the Vikings since their recent win streaks have come against teams worse than they are. However, considering that they're doing it with Brad Johnson at QB and an inconsistent running game just says that they've been really, really lucky. And the Rams suck. I'm not just saying that because they're a hated division rival. They really do suck.

Oakland over Jets
Raiders RB LaMont Jordan is performing capably, in his first year as a full-time starter. The only thing about him is that while his TD celebration routines are funny, he just hasn't done enough to be deserve performing them just yet. Guys like Chad Johnson and Steve Smith score TDs all the time so they'e earned it. I remember earlier this season when Jordan scored, he pretended the football was a chainsaw and acted like he was chopping down the goal post. It was funny and all but I really wanted the PA announcer to start saying something like "Attention LaMont Jordan! Stop pretending to shop down the goal post! You are 'LaMont Jordan!' Trying having a thousand yard season before you start doing those celebrations! That's right LaMont. I'm talking to you! Are you listening?"

Pittsburg over Chicago
This is my unsure pick of the week since both teams have pretty good defenses and the possibility that the combined point total won't even hit double digits. And now that I've said that, this is going to turn out to be a 37-30 type shootout.

Carolina over Tampa Bay
Remember back in Week 10, after Chris Simms led the Bucs to a dramatic victory over Washington, how there was all this talk about how Simms is the now the future of the franchise?

I don't either.

Indianapolis over Jacksonville
Sure the Jags held the Colts to just 10 points in Week 2 but come on, that was a fluke. I have a feeling that Peyton Manning is reading all this press about how David Gerrard is a starting QB in waiting and chuckling, thinking to himself "yeah, I'll show him exactly what a starting NFL quarterback can do." After which he proceeds to single-handedly dismantle the Jag's defense the same way Neo bitchslapped Agent Smith after finally realizing he's the one.

New England over Buffalo
This week's version of my Nature Theory comes in the form of food, specifically each city's signature dishes. New England Clam Chowda or Buffalo Wings? For me it's, uh, wings. As much as I love clam chowder, my inner primate loves things that involve gnawing on broiled animal flesh off a bone (I also love BBQ ribs), especially if they're hot enough char your lips. But I still pick the Patriots. (Ok, that was pointless. I'll do better next time.)

Bengals over Browns
I admit, I'm one of those that can't wait to see what Chad Johnson is going to do next. I was a little disappointed that he didn't score last week since we didn't get to see his latest TD celebration routine. Not that it would have been a surprise since his "hint" gave away the entire thing like a bad movie trailer anyway.

Houston over Tennessee
Being the winner of this game is like getting the award for "Best Gay Porn Star" at some Porno award show: sure you won something but in the end, you still suck.

Seattle over Frisco
49ers fans, say it with me: Reg-gie! Reg-gie! Reg-gie! Reg-gie!

Giants over Philly
It's gonna take a lot of Chunky soup for anyone on the Eagles are able to start feeling better about this misbegotten season. And considering the level of play, it probably couldn't hurt to send in Donovan McNabb's mom in there for a couple of plays just to see what happens.

Washington over Arizona
Since I can't think of anything to say about this game I'm, uh, gonna move on.

San Diego over Miami
The Chargers have the QB/RB combination that the can Dolphins only dream about. Though that solution may come faster than Dolphans think. Sandy Eggo has to decide whether or not they're going to keep Drew Brees (uh, YEAH) or first-round draft pick Philip Rivers. They're gonna keep one, so chances are very good you'll see the other in a Miami uni next season. You heard it here first (or maybe you already heard it somewhere else and I'm just reminding you).

Kansas City over Dallas
I know Drew Bledsoe had a surprisingly good start to this season but even diehard Cowboys fans can't be surprised that he's reverted to being, you know, Drew Bledsoe. They also need to realize that the Bill Parcells era is coming to a fizzling end. (America's team my pasty white ass.)

Denver over Ravens
I kinda regret having used the "I hope Jamal Lewis didn"t drop stuff in prison" joke earlier this week since I can't think of anything to say about this game either.

Packers over Detroit
This is another sad matchup of two losers. Considering that both General Managers have done poorly in fulfilling the needs of either team, they need to realize that for them, winning this game is like coming in first at the Special Olympics. Sure you may have won a game but you're still retarded.

Atlanta over New Orleans
It's been a while since Michael Vick had a huge running game and you just know that he's going stir crazy staying in the pocket all these weeks. I have a hunch that some of his meetings consists of him on his knees pleading to his coaches for one game to go nuts. "Can I pleeeaaase have just one run that goes more than 10 yards? Please?!"

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:35 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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