:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

Thoughts, observations, and introspections from an art student waiter/bartender in South Beach. Arcane humor ensues.
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:: Thursday, December 15, 2005 ::

:: Actual conversations I may or may not have had in the last week: ::
Some of these are paraphrased since I can't remember the exact words, but the spirit of the conversation is there.

At a South Beach Poolhall called Felt:
Me: I can't sink anything tonight
DT: I'm having trouble too.
Me: It's weird playing on good pool tables with good sticks. (Holding up cue) these are actually straight.
DT: And the balls don't roll sideways at the last second.
Me: I play so much better on shitty tables. This place sucks dude. Next time we're going to Playwright. (I shoot and miss. Again.) Dammit.

At Lost Weekend:
DT: (Checking out a girl wearing lo-cut jeans) I love it when you can see those lines on their midriffs, just above the beltline, right at the hips.
Me: Yeah, they're like arrows pointing to the Promised Land.
Me: (Holding up my beer) cheers man.
DT: Cheers.

After discussing various shows on the Food Network:
PK: Yeah, I love that channel.
Me: Me too. It's channel is porno for guys that like to eat.
PK: (Pause) You really have a way with words.
Me: So I've been told.

Me playing Wingman at Playwright:
Girl: Oh please, you can't bust my balls. I'm a badass. (laughs.)
DT: I'm not busting your balls. I'm busting your tits.
Girl: Whatever! I'm badass! (laughs.)
Me: Sure you are. Now say it again without laughing.
Girl: I'm... (Giggles) badass... (DT and I look at each other and shake heads, and then look at her). Ok, stop looking at me and say something.
DT: Not a fan of awkward silence?
Girl: No! (Another - this time intentional - silence.) Seriously, someone say something!
Me: Penis.

Standing in line at Starbucks:
Some lady in line behind me: (Taps me on the shoulder) Excuse me.
Me: (Turning around) Yes?
Lady: (Looking surprised) oh, I'm sorry I thought you were a woman.
Me: (Pause. I may have blinked a few times) you thought *I* was a woman?
Lady: Yeah, I just assumed because of the long hair. It's quite lovely.
Me: You thought... (Unsure whether to be offended that I was mistaken for a woman or flattered that my hair is... ugh, lovely) did you not see my big hairy legs sticking out from my shorts?
Lady: No, 'cuz I just noticed the hair and I was wondering what products you use.

Talking to a friend about heartbreak:
Me: That first time always sucks the most. But I think you get used to it.
DK: (Skeptical) How do you get used to it?
Me: Well, I mean like, it gets easier, I think. You learn how to deal with better. I'm probably not explaining this properly 'cuz...
DK: I think I know what you're trying to say.
Me: ...'cuz I was thinking: it's like giving birth, the first one hurts like hell but I read that it's supposed to get easier as you...
Me: Ok, that may have been a bad example.
DK: Ya think?
Me: Heartbreak is like... is like... I can't think of another analogy.
DK: It's like anal sex...?
Me: There you go.

That's not even half the stuff that I... actually, I should shut up now.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:16 AM [+] :: | 0 comments

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