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Thoughts, observations, and introspections from an art student waiter/bartender in South Beach. Arcane humor ensues.
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:: Sunday, November 06, 2005 ::

:: First the Vikings' "Love Boat," now this... ::
I love football. Especially when news like this hits the net. Apparently two of the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were caught having sex in a bathroom stall. One was a brunette, the other was a blonde (the redhead only does boy-girl), and this occured at a Tampa Bay nightclub called Banana Joe's. You can't make that up. Seriously, this is kinda of crap that happens on those horrid Cinemax movies.

Two hot cheerleaders doing it in a bathroom. This not only proves that there is a God and that he is indeed a man and that he does truly love us, but the phrase "God is in the details" was never more appropriate. The quote "If God is with us, who can be against us?" doesn't work as well since the only conceivable answer is "Jerry Falwell." Actually... that works quite well. I'm going to hell.

They were caught when other patrons outside the bathroom started complaining. The biggest complaint being that the stall doors were blocking the view.

NFL commisioner Paul Tagliabue couldn't be reached for comment, with reports saying he was reviewing videotape evidence as thoroughly as possible, very very slowly.

Not only does this get the imagination running for every male football fan out there, it also confirms suspicions as to what happens in, say, the privacy of their locker rooms. You guys also realize that from this point on, any time two girls go to the restroom together, requests of "we won't be long" is going to be followed by uncontrollable laughter. And if there are any girls from Tampa reading this, next time you're out and you head to the restroom with your girlfriend and every eye in the place is following you, this is why.

This could be the NFL's way of drawing all those female WNBA fans into the herd. Crowd. I meant crowd.

Angela Ellen Keathley (the brunette) is a registered (helloooo) nurse whose favorite quote, according to the Panther's official website, is "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away." I'm only guessing but that probably includes coming up for air once in a while.

Kristen Lanier Owen (the blonde, no relation to Terrell... can we have ONE week in football where an Owens doesn't make the news? Please?) is a college student whose hobbies include "Wuzzles." You guys remember them right? A short-lived cartoon back in the 80's. This is part of their theme song. Again, not making this up.

"Here in the Land of Wuz, they're havin' twice the fun!
'Cuz every single thing is really two-in-one!
A little bit of this... a little bit of that!
And when you add it up you get a lot of laughs!
Oooh they got originality - driven with a split personality!...
...Two times the fun, wrapped up in one!"

My favorite part is "twice the fun/two in one." Clearly, lyrics she took to heart. This crap just writes itself.

Also, her favorite food is cereal. While probably not a fan of Corn Flakes (give it a moment, you'll get it) she's reportedly a huge fan of Sugar Crisps. (I am a warped, twisted man.)

Wouldn't you know it, the radio at the place I'm typing this entry suddenly starts playing "My Neck My Back" by Kia. OK I made that up.

The article says "Owen and another person began arguing and Owen hit that person in the face... Keathley, who was escorted from the nightclub, was so drunk she could barely stand... [behaving] rude and belligerent with police." After reading that did anyone else's mind go directly to the Miller Light Catfight commercials? Or is that just me? My second thought: This is gonna make its way to a "Girls Gone Wild: Cheerleading Whores" tape, I just know it.

And my favorite part is that they're cheerleaders for the Panthers. ('Cuz a panther is a big cat, and another word for cat... um, I'll stop.)

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 10:45 PM [+] :: | 0 comments

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