:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Week 12 Recap ::

A few thoughts from the Thanksgiving Weekend football games:

- The Detroit Lions finally enjoyed a Sunday where their team didn't lose.

- Steve Mariucci being fired for the Lions' dismal season is like blaming everything on George Clooney for "Batman and Robin."

- I felt conflicted about picking my 49ers to beat the Titans since it probably meant we're out of the Reggie Bush sweepstakes. Thanks once again for showing how a shameless homer can overestimate your team's talent. Don't EVEN think about winning another game. To quote Darth Vader in "Return of the Jedi," "there is no conflict."

- Ryan who? Harvard? What? Well gee, I hope this doesn't get into the heads of Harvard grads, since we know how they're all such a humble bunch.

- I really, really, REALLY wanted to make Jay Feeley jokes along the lines of "three strikes you're out," "he's now buried next to Jimmy Hoffa," "I guess he wasn't 'Feeley-ng' it," or (help me) "he must be kicking himself" but the man has suffered enough.

- On a note completely unrelated to football, did you guys know that Pat Morita actually garnered an Oscar nomination for this role as Mr. Miyagi in "Karate Kid?" And given my fondness for saying "you're dead to me," I sometimes wonder if the etymology of that phrase is from "Karate Kid II" where the villan dude takes hostage of Daniel-san's love interest and tells his uncle something like "I am dead to you, remember?" I don't know what's sadder, that I actually remember that scene or simply acknowledging the fact that I even watched "Karate Kid II."

- Lovie Smith is setting himself up for failure. Hear me out: while his defense is spectacular, he has just enough to go one-and-done in the playoffs, setting up unrealistic expectations for next year, where anything less than a NFC championship will be considered a failure.

- Chad Johnson's golf shot imitation was ironically, a better shot than what Tiger Woods could muster all day.

- I feel almost heretical typing this, but I want Apple to stop running those iPod video commercials featuring Bono during football games. It might be tolerable if they showed him singing one of their good songs but also, in this day and age of portable DVD players, does anyone really want a little 2.5" screen?

- Tom Brady should be sent over to the Middle East to overthrow the terrorists, which would be easy for him given the way he overthrew his receivers on Sunday.

- Not to belabor the point about my Frisco 49ers sucking but even though this season is a failure, it's still an improvement over last season's abject failure.

- New Orleans has a built-in excuse for losing all these games; hurricane Katrina, "home" games played to two locations nowhere near home, losing their best offensive player, coaches and players who desperately need a new environment. Hey Houston? What the hell is your excuse?

- Speaking of the Houston game, if there's a circle of hell reserved for the lowest possible scum of humanity (Bundy, lawyers, Hitler, militant vegans), there has to be one just below that for the St. Louis Rams. Just above the circle for the SanFran Giants. I'm not bitter.

- Over the weekend, former Dallas Cowboys wideout Michael Irvin was caught with a crack pipe in his car. His excuse was the hackneyed "it belonged to a friend" line. If that's the case, to any future girlfriends; if I'm ever caught with a pair of panties in my car, I just want you to know that they belong to a friend.

- Is there any truth to rumor that Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil cried at the end of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith?" (Look, they can't all be funny.)

- Let's say that the Vikings somehow salvage this season with a Wild-card spot in the playoffs. What are the odds that the celebration is going to take place on dry land?

- Terrell Owens is (still) a giant douche.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:22 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Open your Eyes ::

Once you reach my age (30s), guys have to be a little more diligent about taking care of their bodies. This includes the eyes. Here's a link for a virtual eye exam that demonstrates the symptoms of several conditions relating to macular degeneration.

You can thank me later.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 9:11 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Behind every good man... ::

This is a concept I've always liked so I really enjoyed this article about great women behind some of the great men in history.

Oddly enough, Courtney Love and Yoko Ono were not included.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:52 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Good Friends, Dumb Conversations, and Exposing Myself ::

Just so you know, any jokes I use in this post are leftovers.

I had an interesting conversation with a buddy back in L.A sometime last week. While he reads my blog only occasionally, he does know me well enough to know some of my habits. One of the things he asked me was why I suddenly decided to write about Eve and TG since I rarely blogged about dating before.

Well, you know, to blog about dates, it helps to go on them.

"Shut the fuck up, dude. You never wrote about that Cuban chick so how come all of a sudden you're writing about [TG]?"

(SIGH) She's Colombian.

"Whatever. You didn't blog about her!"

So, what's the big deal? You knew.

"That's not the point. You never write about your dates and half the time you don't even tell me about it and now you're writing all about [TG] and [Eve]. What's up with that?"

[TG] and I aren't even dating. We just play tennis. And besides, she smokes.

"So what? Get over it." Nah. "I mean it."

It's one of my Dealbreakers. We talked about this.

"Fine, whatever. But I still wanna know why you're all of a sudden writing about these chicks."

I wrote about dates before. "When?!" There was that girl in Prague.

"That doesn't count!" It doesn't? "That was like, a whole different country. And it's not like you had..."

You know this thing we do? Where we talk about shit like this? "Yeah?" Remind me never to do this with you again.

That is really how we talk and yes, we're very good friends. But I understand the point he was trying to make, even if I was being a dick about it. I'm usually reticent about discussing my love life with anyone but my closest friends and even then, they sometimes have to force it out of me. I've always been like this.

I think some of this new openness is partly because some of the blogs I'm reading are about dating. There's one that I've followed since my L.A. days and reading about her adventures did move me to open up a little more, at least with that part of my life. I also though I'd see if sharing a few things with and maybe getting advice/tips from fellow bloggers might help a little. Also, being an introvert, I like my privacy so other than a few close friends, I enjoy being somewhat anonymous to everyone else who reads this. (This is also why you'll never seen a photo of me here. Not that you wanna see that anyway.)

That being said, there's still a lot I'm going to keep to myself. Just because.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:05 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Now I'm gonna kill Kenny ::

I came across a pretty sweet site the other day while browsing aimlessly. You can create your own "South Park" avatars and being a fan of the show I just had to give it a spin. There are so many options available that you can come up with some pretty warped characters but being the narcissist that I am, I just had to see how I'd look if I was character on the show. So without further ado, here it is:































I'm not quite that tanned and my hair is really flat and straight but the rest is fairly accurate, especially the disproportionately large head. Now it's your turn. Go to the South Park Studio, create your look-alike, and post it on your blog.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:27 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Happy Thanksgiving! ::

Things I'm thankful for:

• Every little thing I've been through, both good and bad, the last two+ years in Miami.

• My friends that have kept in touch with me all during that time.

• My kid brother for being the smart one, which helped my parents deal with the fact that I'm going to be working in a field that they still can't quite comprehend.

• That my parents have been supportive anyway (not that I gave them much of a choice).

• That comfortably bloated feeling you get after eating too much.

• Finally watching a Batman movie that doesn't cause unintentional laughter.

• My guitar, Lilly. And Colette? I haven't forgotten about you baby. (Colette is my other guitar.)

• Free food.

• U2. Even though I didn't get to see them this year.

• Living in an apartment with just enough space that I can rock out on air guitar.

• Playoff beards.

• Movie likes "Old School" and "Wedding Crashers" that make me think, maybe just maybe...

• My kid brother for being the good-looking one in the family so any questions about marriage and grandchildren automatically get deferred to him.

• Those deep, intimate conversations with my best friend... That neither of us will ever admit to having.

• Always living near a beach.

• Always living in fair-weather cities.

• Classic gee-tawr blues.

• Oakley sunglasses.

• That the number of people who read my blog went from 11 to like, 17. That's huge.

• For all the sports I've been playing, I've yet to suffer any serious injuries.

• Free refills

• Never feeling the need to wax anything anywhere on my body.

• My kid brother for not being as funny as I am, not that it makes a difference since my parents can't seem to comprehend my sense of humor, either.

• My kid brother.

• Being in Miami where the weather is warm and the women are warmer, while almost everyone else is freezing.

• Really, my life in general.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Remember, it's not just about eating turkey. It's also about eating mashed potatoes, stuffing, creamed corn, sweet potato pie...

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 6:01 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Week 12 Picks ::

I sometimes type these up while sitting at my favorite Starbucks. Their radio station seems hellbent on playing Alanis Morisette as much as possible. While I like her music, there's only so much of her you can take so I've taken to listening to stuff on my iTunes. You know what works while you're writing about football? AC/DC. Especially "Hell's Bells." \m/_ _\m/

Falcons beat Lions:
Mike Vick is finally staying back and throwing the ball like a good QB. His last two games were actually solid, if not spectacular, passing games for him and Atlanta rewarded him with two losses. Given that they're playing Detroit in this Turkey Bowl Game 1 (otherwise known as Detroit's Super Bowl) look for Vick to revert to his old ways just because he can.

Broncos beat Cowboys:
An immobile Drew Bledsoe going up against a fast, blitzing defense made up of Cleveland Browns cast-asides, being led by a formerly error-prone QB who hasn't tossed an INT since the last Paris Hilton sex tape. Mike Shanahan finally seems to be living up to his "genius" moniker. Most impressive is how he's keeping a very tight leash on QB Jake Plummer. It's almost like Chandler stopped being so neurotic and learned how to score dates like Joey.

Chiefs beat Patriots:
Remember what I said about last week's 'Skins vs. Raiders? Well, the Chiefs are doubly pissed just because their brethren got beat last week so they're intent on taking their revenge out on the evil Patriots who stole all their land, raped their women, and gave them casinos in return. Or I could have just said this is the Nature Theory in affect.

49ers beat Titans:
This is the first time in... actually all season that I can pick my Niners to win with reasonable confidence. And yet I feel conflicted about this because as warped as it seems, I want them to finish with enough losses that we can get an early enough draft pick to pick up USC running back Reggie Bush, who sometimes looks like the second coming of Gayle Sayers. And while Brandon Lloyd has had a few spectacular circus catches the last couple of weeks, I wish he'd find a happy medium between un-freakin'-believable and utterly crap-tastic.

Vikings beat Browns:
Ruben Droughns has been a total stud RB for Cleveland this season but Minneapolis seems to have washed off the stink from the Love Boat scandal by purifying themselves in the water of Lake Minnetonka (I had to use the reference eventually) and are finally playing some slightly above average football. But then what else can you expect from a team owned by a guy who calls himself "Ziggy?"

Bears beat Bucs:
Did you see what Chicago did to Jake Delhomme last week? Chris Simms, welcome back to Earth. I love how earlier this week, Steve Young claimed Simms wasn't mentally tough because he grew up in a "lasseiz-faire atmophere." This from a guy who came up the hard way in the 'hood of Greenwich Connecticut. Steve Young will always have a special place in my heart for what he did for the 49ers but dude, stick to gameplay analysis.

Chargers beat Redskins:
If the 'Skins can get beaten by some invaders, you think they'd really stand a chance against a Force of Nature in the shape of lightening bolts?

Texans beat Rams:
This is my Spite Pick of the week because: 1. Houston just has to play a good game eventually and 2. The Rams crewed up last week's picks by somehow losing to the one team in their division (ok, two) that's worse than they are. All you guys on the Rams can suck it.

Panthers beat Buffalo:
This is Carolina's "revenge game" after being so thoroughly whomped by San Diego last week. And since I can't think of anything else to say about this game, I'll... uh... stop here.

Bengals beat Ravens:
"Expert analysts" have been saying that Indy's offense exposed holes in Cincy's secondary last week. That's like saying an RPG exposed a weakness in a Kevlar vest. Their defense will be fine. We're talking about Baltimore here. Their offense amounts to a poorly-aimed potato gun.

Raiders beat Dolphins:
The head coach of Miami was quoted as saying that this year's record doesn't matter since it's basically an audition for who's going to stay and how next year's team is going to look. Now, the question is did he come to this conclusion before or after he realized a winning season is out of reach? Their logo still, sucks by the way.

Jaguars beat Cardinals:
Anyone who thinks Kurt Warner's breakout game last week wasn't the product of an unacknowledged grudge against his former team that dumped him is just stupid. That said, all he's playing for this week is another job next season as a starter that he's eventually gonna lose to a young up-and-comer.

Seahawks beat Giants:
I don't really have anything against the Giants and I think Eli will become a great QB. However, I will never root for him for that virtual hissy-fit he threw during the draft. It's ridiculous to hear rookies making demands like they're established players and the entire point of a draft is that the team is the one that determines where a college kid will play, not the other way around. And the way he swindled his way out of San Diego sets an unhealthy precedent for the NFL. Anyway, rant over. Owens sucks.

Packers beat Eagles:
The only thing the announcers are gonna be talking about is the how a promising Philly team has to endure a total trainwreck of a season after losing both Owens and Donovan McNabb. In the meantime, Green Bay is over there waving their arms saying, "hey! Our season's a disaster, too! Hellooo!" Anyway, given the way the Pack hung in against a resurging Vikings team, I think they'll do well against the sinking mess that is Philly. Owens is a douche.

Jets beat Saints:
A game featuring two teams in the midst of horrible seasons with nothing to lose playing in front of a national audience hoping to not embarrass themselves. Does anyone even know what QB is starting for the Jets? Does anyone know who's the RB for N'awlins? Anyone?

Colts beat Steelers:
It doesn't matter whether Big Ben is gonna play. It just means that the Steelers are only going to lose by 6, as opposed to 24 if Tommy Maddox starts. You guys remember at the beginning of the season when everyone was asking "what's wrong with Peyton Manning?" or "have defenses caught up with Indy's offense?" Me neither.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:37 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: L.o.P.D. Turkey of Year Honorable Mention ::

(Edit: It helps to read the previous post first)

You Nosy Readers.
Stop commenting or emailing me asking for sordid details about whatever sex I may or may not be having. There are plenty of websites out there where you can read about that sort of crap. This is a reputable blog and I refuse to write anything that'll compromise the personality and integrity that I've worked so hard to develop. Penis.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 8:46 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: First (and maybe only) Annual L.o.P.D. Turkeys of the Year Awards ::

You probably read the title and thought, "he must not like Thanksgiving or something." Actually, I enjoy Thanksgiving and I have quite a lot to be grateful for this year and I'll write about that later. But Thanksgiving, like anything else, isn't immune from me having a little fun with in my own way. So while "Turkey of the Year" awards aren't new, this is my own version of it. Just to warn you, some of these will fly completely over your heads because those are just for me. So without any further ado, my Top uh... Nine (in no particular order) Turkeys of the Year:

• The Los Angeles Dodgers. Yeah they're my favorite team but I'm not ripping on the players so much. (Except for Yhency Brazoban, you gutless wank.) Ever since being bought by that retard Frank McCourt, they have become what was once the league's model of class, tradition, winning as well as loyalty, front-office stability, and fan-friendly demeanor into the laughing stock of the professional baseball. They went from winning the NL West division to second to last in the span of one season. McCourt's first major response after the season? Fire the GM and install cupholders on every seat.

• Terrell Owens (you just knew he'd be here). I've ranted enough about this asswipe and hearing that his suspension will be upheld made me giddy. But I'm so sick of being bombarded by news updates about this pathologically insecure and self-destructive crybaby of a man-child that he almost made me not want to watch SportsCenter. And that I cannot forgive. Honorable mention goes to his agent Dick Rosenhaus, especially during that news conference, for somehow answering the question, "could there be a bigger cocksucker on the planet than Owens?"

• Mother Nature. We get it. Don't mess with you. Blah blah blah. Stop with the hurricanes already!

• Starbucks. Never mind that that I've spent enough money at your stores to be responsible for the last stock split. Ignore the fact that training me to make the 14 varieties of lattes would take all of 12 minutes. Sure you have no problem taking my money but to hire ,me? Noooooo. What, was I overqualified or something? You're all dead to me. All of you. And yeah... I'll see you tomorrow.

• That semi-attractive bartender at Automatic Slims dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl. Look, I realize that Slims is a glorified dive bar and I shouldn't expect great service but if a guy orders a Guinness from tap, don't expect me to tip you if you give it to me in a plastic cup, alright? All you had to do was turn around and grab a pint glass. And don't give me that pouty face. It doesn't work on me any more. By the way, I lied; it's not your skirt that makes you look fat. It's your too-tight skirt and tank top that makes your midriff fat bulge out like an overstuffed sausage that makes you look fat.

• About half the people who sat next to me on a plane. I don't why it is that on every other cross-whatever flight, I get stuck sitting next to the overly garrulous, ebullient, Jonathan Livingston-type character who just has to tell me their life story starting from birth. Just so you know, if the person sitting next to you is wearing headphones and reading a book, chances are good they're not seeking converstaion.

• Budweiser (U.S.). You guys make cool commercials and all but you really need to stop with the façade about being a classy American Beer. I find your lawsuit preventing the original Czech Budweiser from being properly distributed here to be petty and classless. I've enjoyed many (many, many) bottles of the Real Budweiser during my three months in Prague and it made me sad that my fellow Americans are forever stuck drinking your swill. You'll never get a cent out of me. Again.

• Liberal Douchebags spouting hollow rhetoric. There's a running joke among guitar players that the only bad thing about jazz music is the jazz musicians. Just so we're clear on this, I agree with a lot of liberal ideology, especially the part about helping out your fellow human beings in need. And since too many people are caught up in their own narrow lives, government aid and incentives are good as well. But don't go into a tirade about welfare this-and-that and suddenly get that deer-in-the-headlights look when asked if you've ever personally volunteered your time at a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen. What? You donated a toy at your local coffee house? Well, that's great. You've reached a level of altruism equaled only by my friend's kindergarten-age kids. Go buy yourself another Crown on the rocks.
  

• That dude named Dan-E. Who the hell does this guy think he is anyway? He can't even spell his name right. Idiot doesn't even have a job for gawd's sake. Go eat some stuffing you fuckmook.

Up next: weekend football picks.
Tomorrow: the many things I'm thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:27 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Oddity of the Day ::

I was browsing Craigslist for possible job leads. Nothing surprises me any more so I simply laughed when I saw this want ad.

I'm not quite desperate enough for work to apply but even if I was, I may be severely underqualified. I mean, I have a 46" chest but I'm barely an "A" cup. So stop staring at my tits.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 9:21 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Possible Stocking Stuffers ::

All I know is that I laughed out loud for a good minute or two when I saw this. Can you imagine the Abbott and Costello-type exchange finding this on your friend's kitchen counter might cause?

Dude, what the hell is this?

Oh that? It's for my banana.

Your... your banana?

My banana. So it doesn't get all smooshed.

Don't they have other stuff for that? Like, cups?

No, I mean it's for a real banana.

Why do you keep calling it that?

Calling it what?

Your banana?

What about my banana?

Why do you keep calling it that?

'Cuz that's what everyone calls it?

Whatever, just keep that thing away from me.


On the other hand, I'm not quite sure what to make of these. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a very small part of my inner child saying "that's the coolest thing ever!" Which is why I had to take him outside and beat him.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:36 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Dammit ::

I just got back from a round of tennis with TG. A friend of hers and his son showed about an hour after we started. Now, this son is freakin' amazing. He's ten, been playing since three (THREE!) and his skills are better than some of the guys that were on my college tennis team. TG was done since her callouses were hurting (wimp) so I played with the kid for about 25 minutes before I had to sit down. We get back in car and this conversation happened:

Me: That kid's gonna turn pro.

TG: I know! It's so funny how after you and his dad were done playing, you guys were panting and he's all "let's keep playing!."

Me: (Chuckling) I know. It's nice being young.

TG: I'm kinda scared to play him.

Me: I think you'd do well. And you're probably the only one who wouldn't be panting afterwards.

TG: (Mumbling) Yeah, if I quite smoking.

Me: Yo... (I turn to look at her. She somehow already got a cigarette in her mouth without me noticing.) You smoke. (Not said in the form of a question.)

TG: Yeeaaah.

Maybe I should relax that Dealbreaker Rule a little. Maybe. Anyway, I'm gonna go pound my head against a wall a few dozen times. More later.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 8:36 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Week 11 Picks ::

Can we have one week go by without Terrell Owens being in the news? Can we? Please? We need a breather here. I mean, despising someone and wishing ass cancer on them (thanks Mr. Hand) takes quite a bit of effort, you know.

Edit: I was missing picks for two games (thanks Dani =P) so now they're up.

Rams beat Cardinals
Sidelined coach Mike Martz finally makes a cameo appearance during practice this week and out of habit, Kurt Warner throws for 300 yards and 4 INTs. You remember at the beginning of the season how everyone was picking Arizona to be the "dark horse" team of the season? Me neither.

Patriots beat Saints:
I actually spent a good half hour yesterday trying to figure out if my Nature Theory would work with two teams named after types of people and this is what I came up with: patriots could easily beat the crap out of a bunch of saints since they're heavily armed and occasionally liquored up, whereas the saints do little more than sit around and chant. But if you were to believe in what the saints do, then the patriots could be theoretically be eliminated with a wave of a hand. But then again, considering what's been happening to the saints, you just know someone's really pissed at them.

Giants beat Eagles:
While I'm picking the Giants here, I wanna urge cautious optimism for those who are anticipating a Manning vs. Manning Super Bowl. They lost to the lowly Vikings last week. While I believe Eli is destined for stardom, the reason he's been winning is the same way Big Ben went undefeated last season; he has an excellent running game (thanks again Tiki) to fall back on and some good receivers to work with. It's not exactly surprising Plaxico caught passes from both guys. Unlike Big Ben, Eli is completing only 51% of his passes and he still looks shaky. Oh, and T.O. is a giant douche. (Had to get that in.)

Raiders beat Redskins:
Another case of the Nature Theory applied to two teams named after types of people. Never mind that the Chris Simms-led Bucs put up 36 on the 'Skin's supposedly vaunted defense, or that Kerry Collins is going into Week 11 and still hasn't tossed double-digit INTs. I'm pretty sure that a bunch of raiders could put the beating on a bunch of redskins since they have projectile firearms, cannons, and snarky one-liners. But that's just me.

Ravens beat Steelers:
Pittsburg looked like they phoned it in against a subpar Baltimore team last time they played and they're starting Tommy Maddox this week. This is how much confidence they have in Maddox right now: WR Antoine Randel El took practice snaps this week "just in case." Not in case Maddox also gets hurt, but in case Maddox has three turnovers before the second quarter. This even though Randel El last played QB in college over four years ago. Has anyone ever fallen this far this fast since that shockingly good resurgence three short years ago? I mean, other than the last few years of "Frasier."

Buccaneers beat Falcons:
I didn't think it was possible but it almost looks like Michael Vick's passing game regressed from last year. Sure they have that good running game but they're hardly the standards of the league. And for whatever reason, Tampa has always defended Vick pretty well. And even though I think QB Chris Simms is gonna have a letdown after last week's "how the hell did he do that?" showing, he's still gonna show Vick that the whole point of being a QB is, you know, passing.

Panthers beat Bears:
Very fascinating matchup of two teams with great defenses and juuust enough offense to get by coached by two knowledgeable guys who are relatively new to head coaching. Except Carolina has gone from just enough to showcasing what's possibly the most spectacular QB to WR combination this side of Manning/Harrison in Jake Delhomme and Steve Smith. And make no mistake about Chicago coach Lovie Smith; he's a good goach on his way to being a great coach but there's no way to get around the fact that he's been able to over achieve with this year's team. That and he has a huge head.

Dolphins beat Browns:
Speaking of freakish QBs, what the hell got into Gus Frerotte last week? Someone spike his Gatorade? The only other thing I remember from that game is that the commentator actually uttered the words "Gus Frerotte is in the zone right now." This against a Super Bowl winning defense. Seriously, will someone tell me how he was able to pass for 360 yards against the Pats? That's like saying Michael Jackson got into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame twice before Van Halen gets in even once. What? That actually happened? Well, shit.

Cowboys beat Lions:
The nice thing about being a Lions fan is that you always expect a suck-fest and when Joey Harrington has those occasional good games, it's just secret sauce on the turd burger. Joey has never had two good games in a row so look for him to throw three or four INTs this week. You probably knew that. On the other hand, it's gotta just suck to be a Dallas fan because of all the teasing and hyperbole about "potential" and "coaching." Your stomach must sink every time Drew Bledsoe has to pass the ball in a close game because you just know it's 50-50 that it could turn out really, really bad. It's the same way guys feel when their girlfriends come up to them and want to have "the talk."

Jaguars beat Titans:
Since I can't think of anything to wite about this matchup, I'm wondering which team this week is going to have the testicular fortitude to try to Go for Two this week. First it was K.C. in a gutsy move against Oakland. The very next week John Gruden of Tampa calls for Two. Regardless of whether or not the replays show that Mike Alstott did or didn't break the plane (that could actually be a new metaphor for masturbating) it was a huge risk that paid off. This week, I'm picking either the Vikings or Dolphins.

Seahawks whomp 49ers:
I keep dismissing Seattle as our rivals due to their long history of sucking. Even though they've played well against my Niners the last few years and have a string of winning seasons, I took solace in the fact that they always imploded in the second half or lost in the first round of the playoffs. In short, they've become the Left Coast's version of the Miami Dolphins.

Broncos stomp Jets:
I actually also spent some time trying to see if I could finagle the Nature Theory into this game but... nope.

Colts trample Bengals:
The Nature Theory still applies here because these Colts have some big friggin' teeth and instead of hooves, they have those boots you see in the old Kung Fu movies that have hidden knives that flip out if you're surrounded by bad guys. As well as the Bengals have played this season, they just don't have the claws to make it past the five or six teams that are better.

Chargers zap Bills (sorry):
I thought it was kinda odd back in the 90s when the Chargers brought over coaches, managers and players that once worked for the Bills, earning them the nickname "Buffalo West." Yeah, the Bills had that run of four straight Super Bowl losses that defined both consistency and futility. So it's only fitting that the Chargers look like they're about to follow last year's winning season with another one while Marty Schottenheimer is coaching, since he also has a playoff history of both consistent futility.

Chiefs scalp Texans (I'll stop):
I think the Rams' and Chiefs' high-powered Run 'n Shoot style offense has become more predictable than the story lines in the last few seasons of "Three's Company." Neither team is consistently putting up the 30+ points like they used to and K.C. somehow only managed 3 points last week. At least they have teams like the Texans to beat up on. And this week, Coach Vermiel is going to cry about the "character of team" for coming back from a "devastating loss."

Vikings beat Packers:
Somehow, the Vikings have won four of their last five, some of those even against good teams. They've finally got past the stink of the "Love Boat" incident (thanks to heavy doses of antibiotics) and are finally starting to gel as a team. And remember when Coach Mike Tice got knocked down on the sidelines last week? I love how he was trying to downplay his injury by sounding all tough saying he'll wait till the offseason to surgically repair his knee. That's good Mike, because pacing the sideline, yelling and refs and players, and tossing that red flag at inopportune times is exactly the same as running up the middle, catching the ball, or making tackles.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 4:42 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Plan B Update ::

Eve is out of the picture. I'm not even really sure what happened. She was always prompt about returning phone calls or text messages and even called a couple of times just to say "hi," but she hasn't returned my last two calls and I haven't heard from her in a week. It's not like I'm broken up about it since we never even had a real date or anything but being as it our last conversation went well, I am a little curious as to why she's suddenly not responding.

So it's always nice to have a backup plan and I'm meeting up with Tennis Girl this Sunday for another beating... er... round of tennis. In her case, my interest in her at this point is more of an "activity partner" than anything else. I mentioned this to a buddy in L.A. and he asked me if I was leveling my expectations to avoid disappointment. A fair question, certainly and the answer would be a resounding "no." (There was more to that conversation but I'll write about that this weekend after my football picks.)

If all TG ends up being is a tennis partner, I'll be happy. Partly because that means I won't have shell out $40 a week for tennis clinics. She has more going for her than just athletic prowess, as she's fun to talk to and has a good sense of humor (though she's yet to experience the full range of "Dan-E Humor" - partly because it's hard for to me to crack jokes when I'm gasping for oxygen) and she always seems happy to hear from me whenever I call. And despite her pointing out the varicose veins on her calf - which I would have never noticed otherwise - she has really nice legs.

Unfortunately for me, I have other stuff going in my life that takes priority over any dating I wanna do. I need to find a job. I'm constantly fixing, throwing out, and then re-fixing my book. I need to secure a career path of some sort. I need to make sure that my short and long-term futures are in order. And there's the very real possibility that this future isn't going to be in Miami. I'd imagine she'd be a lot of fun to date but I honestly haven't given it a lot of thought.

Timing was never my thing.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 8:31 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Are you not entertained? ::

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!? *SPIT* *SCOWL*

You scored as Maximus.

After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus's assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the colosseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him.

Maximus 79% William Wallace 67% Captain Jack Sparrow 63% Batman, the Dark Knight 63% Indiana Jones 58% Lara Croft 58% The Amazing Spider-Man 50% The Terminator 46% James Bond, Agent 007 46% El Zorro 38% Neo, the "One" 38% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

Hold the line! Stay with me! If you suddenly find yourself riding alone in an open field with the sun in your face, do not panic! For you are in Elysium! And you are already dead! HAHAHAHA.

(I AM a dork.)

My thanks to Sky for this one.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 4:01 PM [+] :: |
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:: Nip/Tuck ::

The only TV series I watch these days is "Nip/Tuck." For those of you that aren't familiar with it, it's a show about two Miami surgeons who run a highly successful plastic surgery practice. Sean McNamara is the gifted surgeon with strong code of ethics, a (now ex) wife and two kids (including an angst ridden teen son) and a desire to help people. Christian Troy is the ambitious partner with a lust for money, a (disturbingly) hot girlfriend that he regularly mistreats and cheats on, and is intent on become the biggest manskank possible (in other words, my idol).

Tuesday's episode was again excellent but I noticed that completely missing from it was that teen son, Matt. It's probably a good break for him since the creators of the show are hellbent on filling his life with as many traumatic events as possible. Here's what's happened to so far, in roughly chronological order. I haven't seen old episodes in a while and I've also missed some so the details may be slightly off.

• On top the typical insecurities of showering in the boy's locker room, he's also uncircumcised. Despite repeated pleas to make him "normal" his father says it's an unnecessary procedure. So Matt decides to search the Internet to learn how to self-circumcise. Surprisingly, it doesn't go well. Father finally agrees to procedure.

• He's in the passenger seat when his stoned friend runs over a girl crossing the road. Unable to locate her body they flee the scene, only to discover in the paper the next morning that the girl survived and is now in a coma. They manage not to get caught but are guilt-ridden. In an attempt to confess to his father, the father instead confesses to Matt that he's just ended an affair. "Thanks for stealing my thunder, dad!"

• The girl at school he has a crush on turns out to be a lesbian. Her girlfriend is bisexual and insists on bringing Matt in just so they can experience a penis every now and then. They get caught. By his mom. They get a stern talking to. Has to deal with the reality that once you?ve had a threesome in high school, life is just downhill from there.

• Discovers that Christian Troy is his real father. Since he can't throw himself off the side of a huge tailwing, he instead throws a series of hissy fits.

• Dr. Troy takes Matt to a porn convention. Boy meets girl. Girl turns out to be a fluffer. Girl shows Matt exactly what a fluffer does. Girl comes back later to tell him that he should worry about any unusual rash or bumps that might appear, you know, just in case. Boy left feeling not so fluffy.

• Matt's friend that was driving when they ran over that girl raped her while she was still in a coma. He spills about the hit-and-run. Matt testifies under oath that he was not involved. Friend asks Matt "dude, why ya hafta harsh my mellow?!"

• His mom gets a "Life Coach" named Ava who may or may not have mutant powers. Ava seduces Matt, causing a huge rift between him and his mom. She tries to teach him the ins and outs (sorry) of sex. Eventually has to deal with the reality that once you've had a threesome in high school, and your first real "girlfriend" is a sexually experienced older woman, life is just downhill from there.

• He discovers later that his "girlfriend" has been seeing a friend of his on the side. That friend happens to be her stepson.

• He discovers even later that the "girlfriend" is a post-op transsexual. (And you thought that "mutant" crack was yet another arcane reference. HA!) Hilarity ensues. Writer of this blog explains that why he?s been using the word "girlfriend" in quotes. Writer promises to stop.

• He discovers later than that that he's still in love with his girlfriend and wants to fly away with her. He goes to her place to try to catch her before she leaves, only to discover the body of his friend/her son mere minutes after he shot himself. Finds himself strangely aroused. Ok, not really.

• Matt's parents divorce. Must be an off week.

• He goes to a bar full of cross-dressers and effeminate gay guys, ostensibly to look for his "girlfriend" (sorry). He goes home with a dude. He's shocked to discover that the dude has a penis. He beats the crap out of the dude.

• Dude gets a bunch of his friends to hunt down Matt. Matt tries to run but is caught while trying to climb a chain link fence. Kinda like in "Karate Kid" but instead of a bunch of guys in crappy skeleton costumes, it's a bunch of muscled up, hairless guys in women's clothing. Viewers still aren't sure which is more gay. After beating the shit out of Matt, they drop their pant(ie)s and urinate all over him.

• Eventually has to deal with the reality that once you've had a threesome in high school, your first real "girlfriend" is a sexually experienced older woman, and you finally fulfilled your golden shower fantasy before hitting the legal drinking age, life is just downhill from there. (I may have made up that last one.)

• Having already slept with MacNamara and Troy, his mom decides to make it a Hat Trick and sleep with the new third partner. She doesn't actually but it kinda looks that way, setting up for a classic "this isn't how it looks" scene.

I know I left out a few things so feel free to add whatever. Even then this list is a hell of lot of things to happen to you between the ages of seventeen and twenty. That's why I wrote earlier that it's a good thing that he had the week off. Can you imagine?

Matt: Mom? Dad? And dad? Can I have at least one week where something that'll scar me for life doesn't happen? Please??? I need a moment here for God's sake!!!

Sean: I guess now's a bad to tell you that your little sister is a...

Matt: AAUUGGGHHH!!! (HEAD EXPLODES.)

I know what you readers are thinking. "I was wondering how he'd slip in that obligatory weekly 'head-explode' joke into this." Well, now you know.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:33 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Dog-Related Weirdness of the Day ::

This happened a few days ago: I was sitting at my usual spot at Taste Bakery, alongside the windows right next to the outdoor patio seating. There were a couple of ladies sitting outside eating lunch. The one facing away from me had a little dog on her lap while she was eating her lox and bagels. That's not an unusual sighting here but this next part got a little... odd? Gross? I don't know what the word is...

I noticed that every time the lady took a bite of her sandwich, she'd set her hands down on the table, at which point the dog would start munching away. She'd then lift it back up, completely unperturbed, and proceed to take her own bite. At first I thought maybe the woman was too engrossed in her conversation to notice what her dog was doing but after watching this for a couple of minutes, she actually tilted the sandwich towards the dog to get it to help her eat her lunch. WTF?!?!

Now, I'm not a germ-phobe or anything. I let dogs lick my face just like any other dog person. Hell, it doesn't even bother me if someone drinks from my beer bottle. But this, this can't be normal can it? Any dog owners out there, please answer this for me.


P.S. I have a second interview at a seafood restaurant tomorrow. Send some luck and happy thoughts my way.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:29 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Movie Question ::

I never saw Tim Burton's "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." I heard it was good and all but I read that one of the major changes was that Burton went away from casting vertically-challenged actors for the Oompa-Loompas to using regular-sized actors and shrinking them in post-production using special effects.

I guess that's fine but is there any truth to the rumors that there was a bunch of midgets protesting outside of the Warner Brothers Office citing unfair hiring practices?

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:54 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Dealbreakers ::

I was working rather diligently on my book for a few hours when I needed a break so I decided to browse through my blog list. I followed a few links I normally don't click and I eneded up at this blog where there was an interesting post about "Dealbreakers." Dealbreakers being that one or few things that's enough of a factor to override any other positive attributes about your date. Or as she puts it:

• Definition: A dealbreaker is the trait, characteristic, lifestyle choice, or baggage or skeleton that you will absolutely NOT put up with in your significant other under any circumstances. This de facto that will eliminate many a promising man/woman from your dating pool.

I think what stood out for me is that this person and I have the same Dealbreaker. There are a few others (lousy sense of humor, lacks character, won't swallow) but smoking just seems to stand out as something I won't tolerate in a person I'm dating. Given that I like to hang out at sports bars and Florida being one of those archaic states that have yet to pass that particular ban, I've learned to tolerate it in that environment but that doesn't mean I have to take it home with me. But "Vixen" again, says it better than I could:

• Smoking for example, is an automatic dealbreaker for me. No matter how fabulous you think I am, or how cute you think you are, if there is a whiff of cigarette/cigar smoke around you, it automatically takes you out of the running. (Smokism at it's worst!) There is no way that I can get past the smoky smell on clothes, breath and in the car. It kills whatever tiny shred of attraction that I may have for you instantaneously. I've tried, and it ain't happening.

There was this one girl that I went out with a few times this past summer. She was cute, charming, fun to talk to, had a great laugh, and a huge fan of baseball. We went out a few times, and we seemed to enjoy each other's company but that smoking thing was always in the back of my mind. The final time we went out, as I walked her up to her place, she said "kiss me" and I ended that evening by kissing her on her cheek. I really wanted it to be something I could look past but I just couldn't do it. It really didn't bother me too much while we sitting around at Dewey's watching sports but every time I got close to her, I could smell it in her hair and her clothes. Still, as fun as she was, I figured she'd be a great chick friend to have. As for her, I don't know what she was looking for but we haven't hung out since that cheek-kiss. We're still friendly and we keep in touch, though.

Vixen's post also includes some stuff about having a Master List, ("Definition: A list written when you are not in an emotional place, that has everything you would like Mr. [or in my case, Mrs.] Right4Me to have.") which I also found an interesting read but that's for another post.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:59 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Week 10 Picks (And news about Eve and Tennis Girl Mixed in) ::

Just a few (hah!) thoughts before I head into this week's picks. A friend of mine mentioned to me the other day how it's kinda funny go into Rant Mode every time I talk about Terrell Owens. Well yeah. I've had to deal with his schizoid crap while he played for my 49ers. I clearly remember one game in 2002 where despite putting up otherwise decent stats, he dropped 4 (FOUR!) passes. Three of them would have been for First Downs and a couple of them were passes that landed right in his hands.

In a playoff game against Tampa Bay, the box score may show that Jeff Garcia threw a few INTs but it doesn't show that one of those picks was a tipped ball. It was short yardage slant rout that had it been caught, would have been First Down and put the Niners in field goal range. It wasn't thrown hard, right about chest level and he didn't have to reach for it. Owens was more concerned about the approaching safety instead of keeping his eye on the ball. He bobbled it, turnover, first down Tampa.

At last year's Super Bowl, in another calculated publicity stunt, Owens kept everyone guess as to whether he'd play after breaking his ankle. He played. He played bravely 9over 100 yards receiving) and the Eagles lost badly. During his postgame conference, he went on this self-aggrandizing spiel about how he should be lauded for playing hurt (on an injury that hockey players would mercilessly mock). Never mind that he caught zero (ZERO) touchdowns. He was WAY too upbeat for a guy that just lost the Super Bowl. A true teammate would have said how he was hoping to help but it was for naught since they lost the game. They would have downplayed what was an impressive showing despite being hobbled and focusing instead on picking up his teammates and congratulating the other team for playing better that day. It surprised me how no one in the sports media bothered to point this out.

Sure he puts up gaudy stats during the regular season but he doesn't make a lot of game-turning plays. A lot of his TDs happen when his team is comfortably ahead. He's football's Alex Rodriguez.

Anyway, rant over (and this is the shortened version). On to the picks.

Patriots over Dolphins:
All those years that people didn't think the Pats could go all the way, this might be yet another year they're proven wrong. They have a pretty easy 2nd half schedule and the rest of that division is weaker than Chad Pennington's arm. NE just might be able to get into the playoffs with nine wins and once there, like going to a casino at 2am while completely drunk, anything can happen.

Giants over Vikings:
Everything I've read about recently deceased Giants owner Wellington Mara was that he one of the few pro sports team owners that ran a steady, loyal ship. He preferred to stay out of the limelight and let the players do the talking (you paying attention Mr. Steinbrenner?) The Giants look like they're on a roll and that whole "let's win one for Welly" thing could take off.

Jaguars over Rams:
It doesn't say much for a team known for its defense when the defensive squad performs better despite not have its two stars, Ray Lewis and Ed Reed. Jamal Lewis is killing their running game as well as every fantasy team that he's on. I don't wanna say things are bleak but they're at the point where they're looking to Kyle Boller to spark the offense.

Chiefs over Bills:
I love that gutsy call by Dick Vermiel last week, going for six instead of settling for a field goal (are you paying attention Coach Schottenheimer?). And since I can't think of anything clever to say about this game, I'm gonna invoke the Nature Theory because way back when, Indians did kill them a lotta buffalo.

Bears over 49ers:
You guys see Brandon Lloyd's awesome one-handed, behind his head catch last week? Oh right, it was called back. Shit. This is how bad the QB situation is in SanFran: current starter Cody Pickett was signed on as insurance and was often used on special teams. Despite showing flashes of not sucking, they went and signed career backup Jesse Palmer, who's biggest claim to fame is that he was once the star of "The Bachelor."

Cardinals over Lions:
Even the Nature theory works here. You know in the last minutes of "The Lion King" where uncle Scar is surrounded by and attacked by hyenas? Remember how pathetic he looked? It's like that, but worse. Also, I call the third quarter for when Dennis Green wakes up and puts Josh McCown back in.

Colts over Texans:
It's not even gonna be close.

Broncos over Raiders:
I don't know if its that beard but Jake Plummer has been playing remarkably like (brace yourself) Tom Brady. He hasn't made any huge comebacks yet but it's been impressive the way he manages the game and limits mistakes. So naturally, I'm now predicting a second half meltdown where we see him toss at least two INTs a game like the Jake of old. Speaking of meltdowns, every time I see Randy Moss, he looks more sullen than a German model after a coke binge.

Panthers over Jets:
Imagine Charlize Theron in a magazine spread. Now picture her when she went ugly for her role in "Monster." Remember thinking to yourself "how the hell is that same person?" That has to be the same thought every guy had upon seeing the two Panther's cheerleader's mugshots after ogling over their profiles on the Carolina website. Like Charlize in "Monster" we never, ever want to see that happen again. This is my last cheerleader joke. I promise. Unless that Penthouse thing goes through and then everything is fair game but... anyway.

Seahawks over Rams:
Since I hate both these teams I'm gonna digress and talk about Tennis Girl for a moment. She's one of these workout freaks that I simultaneously hate and envy. We were talking while driving over to the courts and she told me that she goes running every day (!) as well as being a total gym rat. She plays pretty good tennis but I wasn't worried about being outplayed. My concern was being outlasted since I played beach volleyball this morning. I mean, the last time I went running every day was.. okay I never did that.

Most guys try to elevate their game if a cute girl is around but they revert back to weekend hack mode once she walks by. Well, TG wasn't going anywhere so I had to somehow maintain my A++ game for at least a couple of hours. I was ok at first but hour two got a little tougher since my leg started cramping (I sweat buckets). She asked if I was fine but there was no way I was going stop after a measly hour fifteen. Hour two started approaching and I think we were both wearing down but neither of us said anything, turning this into a battle of wills. At the 2:15 mark, I had to quit since my legs were just gone. I told her she won this round. 'cuz I'm a sweet like that =P

I tend to be a little picky about my practice partners and she's pretty good, so we made plans for next week. As it turns out she's fun to talk to as well so there might be a round of pool or a movie in there. Stay tuned.

Redskins over Buccaneers:
Oh by the way, if you're wondering about Eve, I've been maintaining contact with her but she's been busy as well as ill, and I've had plans (heehee). Once she gets better and things settle down, we'll hook up.

Oh, and I found out she'll be using her Master's Degree in Communication to try to get her "dream job." That being a Buyer for Macy's. I wished her luck on her interview, hung up the phone, and thought to myself, "Geez, I might end up dating Rachel."

Falcons over Packers:
Hey Mikey, let's see a 3000 yard, 22 TD season before you run your mouth about proving your doubters wrong. As far as most people outside of Atlanta are concerned, you're the best running back in the East.

Steelers over Browns:
Starting QB Charlie Batch looked rustier than me trying to pick up a chick at a nightclub and the only available starting RB is Duce Staley. Normally this would be bad except they're going up against Cleveland and Trent Dilfer. Now, I don't think he's as bad as people think he is but I can't call him a "Super Bowl Winning QB" without bursting into laughter. And it might seem incongruous to make "Dan-E sucks at dating" jokes after having just mentioned Eve and TG but I think it's funny and it?s my blog dammit.

Eagles over Cowboys:
What does it mean when I pick Philly to win despite not playing T.O. and having a subpar running game? It means I'm a petty, vindictive bastard who thrives on the misery of people who I think are asswipes. I would love to see the Igles prove they don't need Owens to win. But yet, if the world was fair, Philly would have waited one week to suspend him just for the matchup of Ownes versus the brutal Dallas safety Roy Williams. Not only does he hit so hard that the NFL instilled a new rule to prevent the "horse collar tackle" that he perfected, he's the dude that broke Owens' ankle last year. For that he'll always have a special place in my... maybe not my heart but... oh hell. I love him.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 6:59 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Only in South Beach Part II ::

Even now, in the middle of November, despite the temperature falling to a brisk 81 in the daytime, women in really short skirts are everywhere. You guys probably remember me mentioning this here.

This being SoBe, women are trying to out-slut each other and it seems some of girls go to the sports shop and get tennis skirts for daily wear. They certainly aren't shy about what they wear underneath either since I've seen more toasted buns in the last couple of days than at In 'n Out burger during lunch rush. That's partly because they don't seem to mind dressing like this even though it's been quite windy lately. And from my observations (all done strictly for the purposes of entertaining all 14 of my readers) sitting and standing while maintaining some semblance of decency is a bit of a challenge.

I don't have problems with any... most of this.

However, my question is this: Given the relative lack of material on g-strings, are women ever aware of the fact that the cloth can sometimes, umm... shift... off to the side? If so do you have to be sitting at the table across from me, directly in my line of sight, manically crossing and uncrossing your legs like Sharon Stone on meth? And twice in one week? I'm trying to get some work done here.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:27 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Temp Job Search ::

I don't know what it is about looking for restaurant jobs in South Beach but to me at least, they sometimes feel like cattle calls. When they interview at Starbucks, they at least manage to treat you like you resemble a human being. At most restaurants interviews are done in groups, you're nothing more than an anonymous face with a number and you have 30 seconds to stand out from everyone else.

Part of it could be because SoBe has so many upscale, trendy, terminally hip, celebrity hot spots that charge $300 for a damn bottle vodka that you could make more as a bartender at one of these joints than a doctor in their first year of residency that so many people move here seeking full time work as career servers and bartenders and students needing part-time work don't get much sympathy.

Or it could be that some of these restaurant managers originally planned on a different career path and due to a lack of talent, ambition, or luck it just didn't work out for them and they like to take it out on the lowly peons so they're don't feel like the only failures in life. Or that some of them are struggling (read: untalented) artists who think that their arty facade is a valid reason to act like douchebags.

There's always the fact that a third of these applicants are unmotivated, slacker potheads that despite being in their mid 20s, haven't quite figured out that showing up at a job interview in a polo shirt and khaki shorts isn't going to leave the best first impression.

Maybe it's because a flamboyantly gay manager asked one of the flamboyantly gay interview-ees for his position on dating co-workers, possibly looking for an answer like "reverse cowboy," "white mosquito," "Manhattan transfer," or something, and leaving the rest of us in the group looking at each other uncomfortably, wondering if we should leave those two alone. Not that there's anything wrong with that. (And don't ask me what those terms mean.)

I wonder why people say I have a dark sense of humor? Hmmm...

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:41 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: interview at Starbucks follow-up ::

This being my third (and hopefully last) interview, it was nice and short and this time they only asked for a urine sample (they wanted blood last time). I think it went well and I should hear back in the next few days.

It cracks me up how I'll be perpetuating so many stereotypes if I get hired:

I have a degree that's either specific to one industry or is a prestige piece that only exists to look nice on a wall.

I have an "artsy" personality and give off the pretense that I see the world differently than others.

I drink too much coffee for my own good. Caffeine withdraws give me jitters.

I'll probably look at customers who have "normal" jobs with disdain since they're all mindless corporate lemmings even though I secretly envy their paychecks and greet them with a forced smile as I make their vent half-caff soy milk cappuccino (wet!) with two sweet 'n lows.

I have an irregular sleeping pattern.

This is kinda my warped way of looking at things to amuse myself but I'll be pretty happy with a job there. And certainly, my experiences there have been almost flawless. For example, the employees are unfailingly courteous (though sometimes a little too eager for conversation. Something I just want coffee). Most impressive is that as many times as I've been there, they've never once screwed up my order. The only other place that can make that claim is In 'n Out burger.

I've noticed that people who work for Starbucks are there very briefly or there for life, and given their generous benefits and advancement potential, I can see why there would be lifers. One of the managers who knows what I study said that I could eventually make my way up to their marketing design department. She pointed out that even part time, benefits would kick in after three months.

That's great and all but if I get hired and I'm still working there in say, six months, someone fly down here and perform an intervention or something.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:15 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Interview at Starbucks Part... I lost count. ::

Yet another interview at Starbucks in about 25 minutes (my third). For a job pushing coffee. Don't get me wrong, I'd be very grateful and happy if they hired me, especially considering it'd be a short-term thing but I didn't think the interview process would be this drawn out. I couldn't possibly be like this for when I get my *real* job.

Yeah it could.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 9:59 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Plan B ::

So I talked to Eve last night. Or I tried to anyway. I called and left a message, and I got a text message back saying that she came down with the flu and that her throat is killing her. Since she has yet to hear the demented part of my humor, I refrained from making any references about the avian flu and instead wished her a speedy recovery. She said she caught it on Saturday so while I'm no doctor, I think it's a pretty safe assumption that Wednesday night is out.

No biggie. I do have a Plan B lined up for this weekend. with someone I'll call Tennis Girl.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:18 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Hits ::

Is just check my blog and was quite surprised at how many hits I got the last two days thanks to my Panthers Cheerleaders jokes. (Someone let me know if any of my material ends up on Letterman or Leno. I'm not joking.) The really funny part is that almost every keyword search isn't what you'd think it would be (lesbians, sex, stalls, etc). Everyone ended up here typing in the name of the brunette in Google. I don't get it. She's not all that hot. Her nose is a little funny. Anyway.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:49 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Panthers (Lesbian) Cheerleaders Follow-up ::

According to this story, it seems that not only did two cheerleaders get caught having sex in a club bathroom, the blonde one isn't who she said she is.

"Renee Thomas, [20, of Pittsboro, N.C], who made the trip to Florida for Sunday's game between the Panthers and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, was released from jail on $500 bail before police learned she was not the person she claimed to be. ...Detectives are trying to determine how Thomas gained possession of the driver's license of the third cheerleader."

This is just one theory but I'm gonna put this out there: cheerleader lesbian threesome.

To the aforementioned Kristen Owen, who was not involved in that particular situation, I say this: Kristen, I'm sorry I made fun of you on my blog. Come back home. I'll be nice.

Thomas is a student and her profile says the most important thing in life is "live every moment to the fullest and love like you'll never be hurt." Hurt? No. Incarcerated? Well...

(You guys remember "Anchorman" with Will Ferrell? I can't believe it took me this long to remember that "Sex Panther" reference. I'm so ashamed. Anyone remember that Keanu Reeves football strike movie "The Replacements?" Where even the cheerleaders went on strike so they got strippers as replacement cheerleaders? I mention it because you just know that all eyes are going to be on the TopCats at the next Panthers home game. Oh, and someone told me to mention the phrase "Spirit Check." Last thing: You know how I mentioned "Girls Gone Wild" yesterday? Forget that. I guarantee you these girls are gonna end up in "Stuff" or "Maxim." [That reminds me, I have to renew my subscription.])

By the way, if any of you wonder why I don't want any kids, one reason is that I'm deathly afraid of ending up with all daughters. Or even one. Not that I'd mind raising them. I'm just going to end up in jail the first time a boy comes to my house to pick her up and I have to shoot the little rat in the face.

And to bring everything I mentioned so far together: something I wanna do just once before I die. If any of my buddies have a little girl, I wanna be with him the first time he goes to a strip club after that. Now, I haven't been to one in over ten years, nor do I have any desire to go back but I have a good reason for this. Once my buddy gets comfy, I'm gonna get a stripper with a similar hair color to his daughter, pay her to give him a table dance and after a few minutes, lean in and whisper her name in his ear. The punchline is that I'm gonna tell her to use the same name as his daughter preceded by an alliterative adjective (e.g. Slutty Sarah, Lucious Lucy, Chesty Chelsea) . I can only imagine his facial expression. And something tells me that even if I was across the room, I'd be able to tell exactly when that moment is. Actually, that would make a great MasterCard commercial:

Cover charge at a strip club: $10
Two drink minimum: $20
Lapdance: $15
Seeing your buddy's face when he learns the stripper grinding his crotch has the same name as his new daughter: Priceless.

I'm SO going to hell.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 8:41 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: First the Vikings' "Love Boat," now this... ::

I love football. Especially when news like this hits the net. Apparently two of the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were caught having sex in a bathroom stall. One was a brunette, the other was a blonde (the redhead only does boy-girl), and this occured at a Tampa Bay nightclub called Banana Joe's. You can't make that up. Seriously, this is kinda of crap that happens on those horrid Cinemax movies.

Two hot cheerleaders doing it in a bathroom. This not only proves that there is a God and that he is indeed a man and that he does truly love us, but the phrase "God is in the details" was never more appropriate. The quote "If God is with us, who can be against us?" doesn't work as well since the only conceivable answer is "Jerry Falwell." Actually... that works quite well. I'm going to hell.

They were caught when other patrons outside the bathroom started complaining. The biggest complaint being that the stall doors were blocking the view.

NFL commisioner Paul Tagliabue couldn't be reached for comment, with reports saying he was reviewing videotape evidence as thoroughly as possible, very very slowly.

Not only does this get the imagination running for every male football fan out there, it also confirms suspicions as to what happens in, say, the privacy of their locker rooms. You guys also realize that from this point on, any time two girls go to the restroom together, requests of "we won't be long" is going to be followed by uncontrollable laughter. And if there are any girls from Tampa reading this, next time you're out and you head to the restroom with your girlfriend and every eye in the place is following you, this is why.

This could be the NFL's way of drawing all those female WNBA fans into the herd. Crowd. I meant crowd.

Angela Ellen Keathley (the brunette) is a registered (helloooo) nurse whose favorite quote, according to the Panther's official website, is "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away." I'm only guessing but that probably includes coming up for air once in a while.

Kristen Lanier Owen (the blonde, no relation to Terrell... can we have ONE week in football where an Owens doesn't make the news? Please?) is a college student whose hobbies include "Wuzzles." You guys remember them right? A short-lived cartoon back in the 80's. This is part of their theme song. Again, not making this up.

"Here in the Land of Wuz, they're havin' twice the fun!
'Cuz every single thing is really two-in-one!
A little bit of this... a little bit of that!
And when you add it up you get a lot of laughs!
Oooh they got originality - driven with a split personality!...
...Two times the fun, wrapped up in one!"

My favorite part is "twice the fun/two in one." Clearly, lyrics she took to heart. This crap just writes itself.

Also, her favorite food is cereal. While probably not a fan of Corn Flakes (give it a moment, you'll get it) she's reportedly a huge fan of Sugar Crisps. (I am a warped, twisted man.)

Wouldn't you know it, the radio at the place I'm typing this entry suddenly starts playing "My Neck My Back" by Kia. OK I made that up.

The article says "Owen and another person began arguing and Owen hit that person in the face... Keathley, who was escorted from the nightclub, was so drunk she could barely stand... [behaving] rude and belligerent with police." After reading that did anyone else's mind go directly to the Miller Light Catfight commercials? Or is that just me? My second thought: This is gonna make its way to a "Girls Gone Wild: Cheerleading Whores" tape, I just know it.

And my favorite part is that they're cheerleaders for the Panthers. ('Cuz a panther is a big cat, and another word for cat... um, I'll stop.)

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 10:45 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: More Quizzes ::

I love this crap.

Putting your appointed path ahead of any inner conflicts, you make your own
rules for the benefit of all.

If in my life or death I can protect you, I will.

Aragorn is a character in the Middle-Earth universe. There is a description
of him at TheOneRing.net.

Got this from the kooks over at The Wicked Truth.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 7:59 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Week 9 Picks ::

It's already past the halfway point of this season and other than a few surprises, it's been a relatively mellow season so far. But shoot, it's Football!

Colts over Patriots:
I'm breaking tradition by starting with the MNF game first just because this might the most compelling regular season game in a few years. As good as the Colts have been the last few years, Peyton Manning hasn't beat them in four years. In a fitting bit of irony, New England has become the Yankees and Indy is Boston. They may be 7-0, Pats could somehow lose a playoff spot and Manning finally gets a Ring, but the thoughts coming from Indy are that it's a hallow victory if they can't beat Tom Brady and the Patriots.

Manning finally realized passing records and MVP trophies don't always get you Super Bowl victories. Tony Dungy finally has a defense close to what he's always wanted, and they're going up against a very beat-up Patriots team. While Bruschi's return was inspiring, last year's team wouldn't have allowed all those rushing yards last week. And yet, it will be very, very foolish to count out Brady and Bill Belichick. You know where I'll be Monday night.

Falcons over Dolphins:
As long as Mike Vick tries to win all those games with his legs, Atlanta will never be a Super Bowl team. That being said, they'll still be able to beat up on the consistently erratic and mediocre teams like the Dolphins. Seriously, they rack up almost 200 yards rushing and they still lose? To the SAINTS? On top of the Florida's college teams aren't the dominating forces they once were. Miami residents everywhere weep.

Detroit over Vikings:
Coach Tice trying to say the Vikings will be ok with Brad Johnson at QB because he's won a Super Bowl is like saying the Browns will be playoff contenders because Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl. Also, since Jeff Garcia is hurt again, there are rumors of Joey Harrington starting. So when a team with a crappy defense and a crappy QB plays against a team with a crappy defense and crappy QB you... uhh... flip a coin.

Charger over Jets:
One glaring fact that should tell you all you need to know about this game: Chargers halfback LaDanian Tomlinson has as many TD passes (3) as every QB that's ever started for the Jets this season.

Jaguars over Texans:
While the Jags should be a lot better, they haven't lost two in a row this season and look for Taylor to go nuts against the Texans' defense. As long as we're on that, who the hell decided on "Texans" as a good team name? That's as retarded as names like the Montreal Canadians, Vancouver Canucks, and The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California. No, I won't drop it.

Bengals over Ravens:
Other than Big Ben, Hines Ward, and The Bus, Pittsburg looked like they phoned it in last week. At least that's my theory since there's no way that Baltimore should have been in it that late. If they had problems containing Ward so just imagine what Chad Johnson might be able to do. I say "might" because while Johnson may be a better pure receiver, you put those two in a cage match Ward is gonna treat Johnson like a longhaired prison bitch.

Titans over Browns:
Cleveland trying to say they're ok With Trent Dilfer because he won a Super Bowl... wait, I already did that bit... Dilfer may have won a Super Bowl riding a Jamal Lewis' back but highly underrated and underappreciated QB Steve McNair has been to the Super Bowl by actually being a good QB running a balanced offense. Sure he had Eddie George but comparing the two is like saying Pearl Jam is better than Nirvana just because they have an extra guitar player. (I like them both, calm down). Ok, it's nothing like that but you get what I'm saying.

Panthers over Bucs:
I really wanted to see last week's Bucs game, not just because my Niners won but also to see just how many Chucky faces John Gruden could contort in one quarter. I have a feeling we're gonna see Tim Rattay in this game and while he's a very good backup, they're clearly missing Brian Griese. And there's a sentence I never thought I'd write.

Chiefs over Raiders:
Did I miss it? Has Dick Vermeil cried yet this season?

Bears over Saints:
Talk about misleading. Romeo Crenell is gloriously overachieving with this year's squad to an 8-8 or even 9-7 finish. Which only means that next year, when they get Rex Grossman back and start underachieving, Chicago sports guys are gonna be calling for his firing.

Seahawks over Cardinals:
Not only does the Nature Theory work here, but I'm also pretty sure if a flock of Seahawks attacked a group of cardinals congregating outside their church, the cardinals would easily start scrambling for cover. If you think that analogy is out of left field, bear in mind the Kurt Warner is starting this week.

Giants over 49ers:
Apparently, the 49ers' starting QB is a former rodeo cowboy. So after dealing with bucking horses and pissed off bulls, facing a pass rush from Michael Strahan might be a roll in the hay. Might be. And while I don't really have anything against the New York Giants, it'll be fun to root against them and pretend it's a Dodgers game. No, I don't miss baseball. Why?

Steelers over Green Bay:
Big Ben is down for a couple of weeks due to surgery on his knee, and coaches are pondering taking a lead pipe to Tommy Maddox's knees just to be sure he won't enter the game this week. Despite my crack about him a few weeks ago, Charlie Batch wasn't really that bad as a starting QB in Detroit. And he certainly won't be as bad as Maddox.

Redskins over Eagles:
Terrell Owens is:
a. A petulant, self-absorbed, giant douche of a player that's overstayed his welcome.
b. A petulant, self-absorbed, turd sandwich of a player that's overstayed his welcome.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 6:38 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Is it Next Week Yet? ::

Remember Eve from Starbucks? She's... ok she's just "Eve" from here on (and just so we're clear, not her real name). Well, I called her today and we're going out next Wednesday night. I asked about Thursday night but she insisted on Wednesday since she canNOT miss "The OC." I'm so gonna give her grief about that. Just so everyone who watches this show knows: NOBODY who lives in Orange County ever calls it the "OC." It's so lame. Where was I? Oh right. Despite that flaw, she does seem to have some redeeming qualities. Great smile, intelligent, nice ass, and funny. "Funny" meaning "laughs at my lame jokes."

Unfortnately, she won't be wearing that "Leaf" outfit.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:38 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Parents just don't Understand. ::

Even though the first month of my post-graduation life (I'm going to have to change the headline... any ideas?) has been a mix of working on my book, trying to find employment, and struggling to make ends meet, I still haven't been able to shake that feeling not knowing where I'll be at year's end. I felt this a little over two years ago when I was researching art schools. There's some trepidation, some excitement, and some degree of "let's get this over with already." Mostly exciting.

Not that my parents understand or agree with this line of thinking. My mom has been trying to convince me to move back home (uh, NO). My dad, while a little more pragmatic with his questions, still clearly doesn't get what it is I do. He doesn't get why I don't want to move back to L.A., which is understandable, but judging by our last couple of conversations, he doesn't quite get the idea behind the need of a portfolio. "But you said your resume is done," he says. And being your typical left brain thinker, he doesn't quite get that not everyone will look at a book the same way. There was also this:

Dad: Is your hair still long?

Me: Yeah.

D: Do you still have the beard?

M: It's a goatee.

D: Whatever. Isn't that going to hurt you during an interview?

M: It's advertising, dad. It's not like working for a law firm.

D: Are you sure?

M: (SIGHING) Yes.

I'm fairly certain that he's still waiting for the day that I grow out of this phase and decide to go into engineering.

Coming from a family full of teachers, bankers, and engineers, as well as having a kid brother who graduated from Boston College with both a Bachelor's and Master's in Philosophy - in only four years - their inability to fully comprehend the nuances of working in a creative industry is something I've become used to.

I can only imagine their response if I told them that one of the classes I took was Stand-up Comedy.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:04 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Hurricane Journal ::

November 1, Last entry:
Captain's log; Stardate 63... er... Most of South Florida has their power back and while there's still a massive cleanup going on, it seems that life here has returned to some degree of normalcy.

I know because this just happened: this girl sitting at a table behind me, wearing sunglasses (indoors) despite it being it being dark outside, uttered this gem: "I hate theses f*****g hurricanes. All the clubs are closed down, and the humidity makes my hair frizzy."

I just hope Eve from Starbucks isn't anything like this.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:31 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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