:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

Thoughts, observations, and introspections from an art student waiter/bartender in South Beach. Arcane humor ensues.
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:: Wednesday, November 23, 2005 ::

:: First (and maybe only) Annual L.o.P.D. Turkeys of the Year Awards ::
You probably read the title and thought, "he must not like Thanksgiving or something." Actually, I enjoy Thanksgiving and I have quite a lot to be grateful for this year and I'll write about that later. But Thanksgiving, like anything else, isn't immune from me having a little fun with in my own way. So while "Turkey of the Year" awards aren't new, this is my own version of it. Just to warn you, some of these will fly completely over your heads because those are just for me. So without any further ado, my Top uh... Nine (in no particular order) Turkeys of the Year:
  • The Los Angeles Dodgers. Yeah they're my favorite team but I'm not ripping on the players so much. (Except for Yhency Brazoban, you gutless wank.) Ever since being bought by that retard Frank McCourt, they have become what was once the league's model of class, tradition, winning as well as loyalty, front-office stability, and fan-friendly demeanor into the laughing stock of the professional baseball. They went from winning the NL West division to second to last in the span of one season. McCourt's first major response after the season? Fire the GM and install cupholders on every seat.
  • Terrell Owens (you just knew he'd be here). I've ranted enough about this asswipe and hearing that his suspension will be upheld made me giddy. But I'm so sick of being bombarded by news updates about this pathologically insecure and self-destructive crybaby of a man-child that he almost made me not want to watch SportsCenter. And that I cannot forgive. Honorable mention goes to his agent Dick Rosenhaus, especially during that news conference, for somehow answering the question, "could there be a bigger cocksucker on the planet than Owens?"
  • Mother Nature. We get it. Don't mess with you. Blah blah blah. Stop with the hurricanes already!
  • Starbucks. Never mind that that I've spent enough money at your stores to be responsible for the last stock split. Ignore the fact that training me to make the 14 varieties of lattes would take all of 12 minutes. Sure you have no problem taking my money but to hire ,me? Noooooo. What, was I overqualified or something? You're all dead to me. All of you. And yeah... I'll see you tomorrow.
  • That semi-attractive bartender at Automatic Slims dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl. Look, I realize that Slims is a glorified dive bar and I shouldn't expect great service but if a guy orders a Guinness from tap, don't expect me to tip you if you give it to me in a plastic cup, alright? All you had to do was turn around and grab a pint glass. And don't give me that pouty face. It doesn't work on me any more. By the way, I lied; it's not your skirt that makes you look fat. It's your too-tight skirt and tank top that makes your midriff fat bulge out like an overstuffed sausage that makes you look fat.
  • About half the people who sat next to me on a plane. I don't why it is that on every other cross-whatever flight, I get stuck sitting next to the overly garrulous, ebullient, Jonathan Livingston-type character who just has to tell me their life story starting from birth. Just so you know, if the person sitting next to you is wearing headphones and reading a book, chances are good they're not seeking converstaion.
  • Budweiser (U.S.). You guys make cool commercials and all but you really need to stop with the façade about being a classy American Beer. I find your lawsuit preventing the original Czech Budweiser from being properly distributed here to be petty and classless. I've enjoyed many (many, many) bottles of the Real Budweiser during my three months in Prague and it made me sad that my fellow Americans are forever stuck drinking your swill. You'll never get a cent out of me. Again.
  • Liberal Douchebags spouting hollow rhetoric. There's a running joke among guitar players that the only bad thing about jazz music is the jazz musicians. Just so we're clear on this, I agree with a lot of liberal ideology, especially the part about helping out your fellow human beings in need. And since too many people are caught up in their own narrow lives, government aid and incentives are good as well. But don't go into a tirade about welfare this-and-that and suddenly get that deer-in-the-headlights look when asked if you've ever personally volunteered your time at a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen. What? You donated a toy at your local coffee house? Well, that's great. You've reached a level of altruism equaled only by my friend's kindergarten-age kids. Go buy yourself another Crown on the rocks.
  • That dude named Dan-E. Who the hell does this guy think he is anyway? He can't even spell his name right. Idiot doesn't even have a job for gawd's sake. Go eat some stuffing you fuckmook.

Up next: weekend football picks.
Tomorrow: the many things I'm thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:27 PM [+] :: | 0 comments

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