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:: Saturday, November 19, 2005 ::

:: Week 11 Picks ::
Can we have one week go by without Terrell Owens being in the news? Can we? Please? We need a breather here. I mean, despising someone and wishing ass cancer on them (thanks Mr. Hand) takes quite a bit of effort, you know.

Edit: I was missing picks for two games (thanks Dani =P) so now they're up.

Rams beat Cardinals
Sidelined coach Mike Martz finally makes a cameo appearance during practice this week and out of habit, Kurt Warner throws for 300 yards and 4 INTs. You remember at the beginning of the season how everyone was picking Arizona to be the "dark horse" team of the season? Me neither.

Patriots beat Saints:
I actually spent a good half hour yesterday trying to figure out if my Nature Theory would work with two teams named after types of people and this is what I came up with: patriots could easily beat the crap out of a bunch of saints since they're heavily armed and occasionally liquored up, whereas the saints do little more than sit around and chant. But if you were to believe in what the saints do, then the patriots could be theoretically be eliminated with a wave of a hand. But then again, considering what's been happening to the saints, you just know someone's really pissed at them.

Giants beat Eagles:
While I'm picking the Giants here, I wanna urge cautious optimism for those who are anticipating a Manning vs. Manning Super Bowl. They lost to the lowly Vikings last week. While I believe Eli is destined for stardom, the reason he's been winning is the same way Big Ben went undefeated last season; he has an excellent running game (thanks again Tiki) to fall back on and some good receivers to work with. It's not exactly surprising Plaxico caught passes from both guys. Unlike Big Ben, Eli is completing only 51% of his passes and he still looks shaky. Oh, and T.O. is a giant douche. (Had to get that in.)

Raiders beat Redskins:
Another case of the Nature Theory applied to two teams named after types of people. Never mind that the Chris Simms-led Bucs put up 36 on the 'Skin's supposedly vaunted defense, or that Kerry Collins is going into Week 11 and still hasn't tossed double-digit INTs. I'm pretty sure that a bunch of raiders could put the beating on a bunch of redskins since they have projectile firearms, cannons, and snarky one-liners. But that's just me.

Ravens beat Steelers:
Pittsburg looked like they phoned it in against a subpar Baltimore team last time they played and they're starting Tommy Maddox this week. This is how much confidence they have in Maddox right now: WR Antoine Randel El took practice snaps this week "just in case." Not in case Maddox also gets hurt, but in case Maddox has three turnovers before the second quarter. This even though Randel El last played QB in college over four years ago. Has anyone ever fallen this far this fast since that shockingly good resurgence three short years ago? I mean, other than the last few years of "Frasier."

Buccaneers beat Falcons:
I didn't think it was possible but it almost looks like Michael Vick's passing game regressed from last year. Sure they have that good running game but they're hardly the standards of the league. And for whatever reason, Tampa has always defended Vick pretty well. And even though I think QB Chris Simms is gonna have a letdown after last week's "how the hell did he do that?" showing, he's still gonna show Vick that the whole point of being a QB is, you know, passing.

Panthers beat Bears:
Very fascinating matchup of two teams with great defenses and juuust enough offense to get by coached by two knowledgeable guys who are relatively new to head coaching. Except Carolina has gone from just enough to showcasing what's possibly the most spectacular QB to WR combination this side of Manning/Harrison in Jake Delhomme and Steve Smith. And make no mistake about Chicago coach Lovie Smith; he's a good goach on his way to being a great coach but there's no way to get around the fact that he's been able to over achieve with this year's team. That and he has a huge head.

Dolphins beat Browns:
Speaking of freakish QBs, what the hell got into Gus Frerotte last week? Someone spike his Gatorade? The only other thing I remember from that game is that the commentator actually uttered the words "Gus Frerotte is in the zone right now." This against a Super Bowl winning defense. Seriously, will someone tell me how he was able to pass for 360 yards against the Pats? That's like saying Michael Jackson got into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame twice before Van Halen gets in even once. What? That actually happened? Well, shit.

Cowboys beat Lions:
The nice thing about being a Lions fan is that you always expect a suck-fest and when Joey Harrington has those occasional good games, it's just secret sauce on the turd burger. Joey has never had two good games in a row so look for him to throw three or four INTs this week. You probably knew that. On the other hand, it's gotta just suck to be a Dallas fan because of all the teasing and hyperbole about "potential" and "coaching." Your stomach must sink every time Drew Bledsoe has to pass the ball in a close game because you just know it's 50-50 that it could turn out really, really bad. It's the same way guys feel when their girlfriends come up to them and want to have "the talk."

Jaguars beat Titans:
Since I can't think of anything to wite about this matchup, I'm wondering which team this week is going to have the testicular fortitude to try to Go for Two this week. First it was K.C. in a gutsy move against Oakland. The very next week John Gruden of Tampa calls for Two. Regardless of whether or not the replays show that Mike Alstott did or didn't break the plane (that could actually be a new metaphor for masturbating) it was a huge risk that paid off. This week, I'm picking either the Vikings or Dolphins.

Seahawks whomp 49ers:
I keep dismissing Seattle as our rivals due to their long history of sucking. Even though they've played well against my Niners the last few years and have a string of winning seasons, I took solace in the fact that they always imploded in the second half or lost in the first round of the playoffs. In short, they've become the Left Coast's version of the Miami Dolphins.

Broncos stomp Jets:
I actually also spent some time trying to see if I could finagle the Nature Theory into this game but... nope.

Colts trample Bengals:
The Nature Theory still applies here because these Colts have some big friggin' teeth and instead of hooves, they have those boots you see in the old Kung Fu movies that have hidden knives that flip out if you're surrounded by bad guys. As well as the Bengals have played this season, they just don't have the claws to make it past the five or six teams that are better.

Chargers zap Bills (sorry):
I thought it was kinda odd back in the 90s when the Chargers brought over coaches, managers and players that once worked for the Bills, earning them the nickname "Buffalo West." Yeah, the Bills had that run of four straight Super Bowl losses that defined both consistency and futility. So it's only fitting that the Chargers look like they're about to follow last year's winning season with another one while Marty Schottenheimer is coaching, since he also has a playoff history of both consistent futility.

Chiefs scalp Texans (I'll stop):
I think the Rams' and Chiefs' high-powered Run 'n Shoot style offense has become more predictable than the story lines in the last few seasons of "Three's Company." Neither team is consistently putting up the 30+ points like they used to and K.C. somehow only managed 3 points last week. At least they have teams like the Texans to beat up on. And this week, Coach Vermiel is going to cry about the "character of team" for coming back from a "devastating loss."

Vikings beat Packers:
Somehow, the Vikings have won four of their last five, some of those even against good teams. They've finally got past the stink of the "Love Boat" incident (thanks to heavy doses of antibiotics) and are finally starting to gel as a team. And remember when Coach Mike Tice got knocked down on the sidelines last week? I love how he was trying to downplay his injury by sounding all tough saying he'll wait till the offseason to surgically repair his knee. That's good Mike, because pacing the sideline, yelling and refs and players, and tossing that red flag at inopportune times is exactly the same as running up the middle, catching the ball, or making tackles.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 4:42 PM [+] :: | 0 comments

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