:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Thursday, November 17, 2005 ::

:: Nip/Tuck ::

The only TV series I watch these days is "Nip/Tuck." For those of you that aren't familiar with it, it's a show about two Miami surgeons who run a highly successful plastic surgery practice. Sean McNamara is the gifted surgeon with strong code of ethics, a (now ex) wife and two kids (including an angst ridden teen son) and a desire to help people. Christian Troy is the ambitious partner with a lust for money, a (disturbingly) hot girlfriend that he regularly mistreats and cheats on, and is intent on become the biggest manskank possible (in other words, my idol).

Tuesday's episode was again excellent but I noticed that completely missing from it was that teen son, Matt. It's probably a good break for him since the creators of the show are hellbent on filling his life with as many traumatic events as possible. Here's what's happened to so far, in roughly chronological order. I haven't seen old episodes in a while and I've also missed some so the details may be slightly off.

• On top the typical insecurities of showering in the boy's locker room, he's also uncircumcised. Despite repeated pleas to make him "normal" his father says it's an unnecessary procedure. So Matt decides to search the Internet to learn how to self-circumcise. Surprisingly, it doesn't go well. Father finally agrees to procedure.

• He's in the passenger seat when his stoned friend runs over a girl crossing the road. Unable to locate her body they flee the scene, only to discover in the paper the next morning that the girl survived and is now in a coma. They manage not to get caught but are guilt-ridden. In an attempt to confess to his father, the father instead confesses to Matt that he's just ended an affair. "Thanks for stealing my thunder, dad!"

• The girl at school he has a crush on turns out to be a lesbian. Her girlfriend is bisexual and insists on bringing Matt in just so they can experience a penis every now and then. They get caught. By his mom. They get a stern talking to. Has to deal with the reality that once you?ve had a threesome in high school, life is just downhill from there.

• Discovers that Christian Troy is his real father. Since he can't throw himself off the side of a huge tailwing, he instead throws a series of hissy fits.

• Dr. Troy takes Matt to a porn convention. Boy meets girl. Girl turns out to be a fluffer. Girl shows Matt exactly what a fluffer does. Girl comes back later to tell him that he should worry about any unusual rash or bumps that might appear, you know, just in case. Boy left feeling not so fluffy.

• Matt's friend that was driving when they ran over that girl raped her while she was still in a coma. He spills about the hit-and-run. Matt testifies under oath that he was not involved. Friend asks Matt "dude, why ya hafta harsh my mellow?!"

• His mom gets a "Life Coach" named Ava who may or may not have mutant powers. Ava seduces Matt, causing a huge rift between him and his mom. She tries to teach him the ins and outs (sorry) of sex. Eventually has to deal with the reality that once you've had a threesome in high school, and your first real "girlfriend" is a sexually experienced older woman, life is just downhill from there.

• He discovers later that his "girlfriend" has been seeing a friend of his on the side. That friend happens to be her stepson.

• He discovers even later that the "girlfriend" is a post-op transsexual. (And you thought that "mutant" crack was yet another arcane reference. HA!) Hilarity ensues. Writer of this blog explains that why he?s been using the word "girlfriend" in quotes. Writer promises to stop.

• He discovers later than that that he's still in love with his girlfriend and wants to fly away with her. He goes to her place to try to catch her before she leaves, only to discover the body of his friend/her son mere minutes after he shot himself. Finds himself strangely aroused. Ok, not really.

• Matt's parents divorce. Must be an off week.

• He goes to a bar full of cross-dressers and effeminate gay guys, ostensibly to look for his "girlfriend" (sorry). He goes home with a dude. He's shocked to discover that the dude has a penis. He beats the crap out of the dude.

• Dude gets a bunch of his friends to hunt down Matt. Matt tries to run but is caught while trying to climb a chain link fence. Kinda like in "Karate Kid" but instead of a bunch of guys in crappy skeleton costumes, it's a bunch of muscled up, hairless guys in women's clothing. Viewers still aren't sure which is more gay. After beating the shit out of Matt, they drop their pant(ie)s and urinate all over him.

• Eventually has to deal with the reality that once you've had a threesome in high school, your first real "girlfriend" is a sexually experienced older woman, and you finally fulfilled your golden shower fantasy before hitting the legal drinking age, life is just downhill from there. (I may have made up that last one.)

• Having already slept with MacNamara and Troy, his mom decides to make it a Hat Trick and sleep with the new third partner. She doesn't actually but it kinda looks that way, setting up for a classic "this isn't how it looks" scene.

I know I left out a few things so feel free to add whatever. Even then this list is a hell of lot of things to happen to you between the ages of seventeen and twenty. That's why I wrote earlier that it's a good thing that he had the week off. Can you imagine?

Matt: Mom? Dad? And dad? Can I have at least one week where something that'll scar me for life doesn't happen? Please??? I need a moment here for God's sake!!!

Sean: I guess now's a bad to tell you that your little sister is a...

Matt: AAUUGGGHHH!!! (HEAD EXPLODES.)

I know what you readers are thinking. "I was wondering how he'd slip in that obligatory weekly 'head-explode' joke into this." Well, now you know.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:33 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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