:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: How Not to Get on the Manager's Good Side ::

We just got a new Assistant General Manager at our Steakhouse. He's rather brusque and occasionally trenchant in his interactions with the staff, both front and back of the house. He also has a near-pathological infatuation with the sound of his own voice. Naturally, he's met with some resistance from the current employees and a couple have already left for greener (quieter) pastures.

Last night he questioned me about a certain method we use when serving our guests, and given that he has his own ideas of what constitutes "good" service, my answer wasn't good enough for his tastes. When he voiced his incredulity, I had my own rather sardonic response to which he asked, "Dan-E, are you trying to be a smartass?"

"Not at all. I can be one with very little effort."

Luckily the GM, who does posses a sense of humor, interjected before it got out of hand.

Labels: fights, humor, server stories, waiting

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 12:54 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Just Thinking out Loud ::

It was dead for the first couple of hours at work this morning. I spent some of that time pondering the irony of the First Family's new Water Retriever puppy being given to them by, of all people, Ted Kennedy.

John Madden, thanks for your unbridled enthusiasm all these years. Your ceaseless passion for football made us enjoy the game just a little bit more. You also made us meathead football fans feel like smarter men.

Working at a restaurant that just opened is akin to the blind leading the stupid. There is crossover.

As much as I like U2, the new album feels more like a continuation of the last album. Not as enamored with it as I initially was. However, "Magnificent" is in fact, so.

I have three different bottles of "good" scotch and one bourbon that I haven't touch in months. It's because I don't feel like I've done anything that warrants a good drink.

Hasn't kept me from enjoying a pour of Jack, however.

Apparently, there's no truth to the rumor that U.S. Naval forces tried to detain pirates for the purpose of getting their $9.50 and 2 1/2 hours of their lives back for "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End."

I've been listening to Beethoven's "Symphony No. 3 in E flat major 'Eroica'" a lot after tasting and enjoying a Washington State Riesling of the same name.

I'm not turning gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Good thing Wagner never wrote a piece called "Doppelbock."

(Not even sure what that last line meant.)

I have my health, I have a job, and my guitar still has all six strings. I've always tried to be a "glass is half-full" type, as long as there's beer in it.

I never watch "American Idol" and yet I still know who Susan Boyle is.

Thanks to my hair, there are few guys in Miami that looking anything like me, so when I notice a woman staring, I honestly can't tell if it's because she thinks I'm attractive or if she think I'm some rare, visual curiosity.

Every time someone orders a steak well-done, an Angel's Halo goes dim.

I don't want Mr. Obama to fail. I don't agree with a some of his politics and many of his plans for pulling our country out of this malaise but but Goddammit I hope he doesn't fail. I'm not one of those rhetoric-spewing, fuckmook idealogues who say stupid shit like "I'm moving to Canada if Bush gets reelected." Why? I like it here. If I'm not living in Miami, it'll be some other part of America because this is the greatest country in the world. I want Obama to return us to the greatness of decades past where allies respected us and rivals feared us. Because as long as I and 300 million of my fellow Americans choose to reside in this young, great land of ours, we desperately need it to recover. I want Mr. Obama to make us forget the misguided war, the enervating recession, and the ignominious legacy of the last Administration. I even hope he ends up greater than the Messianic perception that he and the media has manufactured. For the sake of those around me, and for the sake of this country, I want him to succeed.

I'm just not getting that vibe from him, that's all.

Labels: alkie, humor, irony, random thoughts, unintentional comedy

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 8:25 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Fettuccine, Linguini, Martini, Bikini ::

As much as I love spending time in the kitchen some friends are surprised that I don't own any of those informercial cooking products that blare from the TV at three in the morning. (They're probably asking because they know I'm usually awake at three in the morning.)

It's a good question actually and my answer usually falls along the lines of either "it looks like a piece of shit" or "I prefer doing it old-school." It's why I never owned a George Foreman Grill (I prefer a good skillet AND I like the grease to stay put when I cook my steaks, thank you), one of those Ronco rotisserie ovens (doesn't work well with cedar planks), or any type of food storage savers (I never have leftovers and nothing lasts very long in my fridge.)

You guys know about my love of a good cheeseburger so I almost picked up one of those Big City Slider Stations until I read this review. "Smells of noxious chemicals" doesn't sound very appetizing and I prefer a good full-size burger anyway. Also, judging from the size of your typical slider, I'd have to eat at least twelve or so of these before I got full and I don't have that kind of time. (Actually I do these days but, whatever.)

I do a lot of chopping and dicing when I cook so when I first saw the informercial for the Slap Chop it seemed like a Godsend... Until I realized the "star" is that same hypermanic guy pushing the Sham-wow. I don't know about you but I can't not laugh at this thing. There's his classic line at the 0:37 mark that I can't believe made it past the writers and directors of this car crash. There's a part of me that wants to buy this thing for the sole purpose of being able to use that line on some friends while keeping a straight face.

Then there's classic line number two when he's talking about the "Gratey." "Fettuccine, linguini, martini, bikini." I don't know about you but I have this visual of an Italian Bistro in the Bahamas that features a swim-up bar.

After watching that a couple of times, he killed it for me. Something about him just seems... off, and not just because he could be the A.D.H.D. posterchild who reuses to take his medication. He seems like a guy that would try to peddle real-estate deals to people who got ripped off by Bernie Madoff. That and the Slap Chop just seem like it would come apart after two weeks so it falls under the "piece of shit" category. I have a decent chef's knife. I'll stick with that for now.

Side note: Am I the only one that saw the informercial for the Snuggie and got creeped out?

Labels: cheeseburger, cooking, humor, unintentional comedy, wtf

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:11 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: BRUUUUUUCE ::

One thing I completely forgot to mention about the Super Bowl was the halftime performance by Bruce Springsteen. I'm a fan of The Boss, not quite to the degree that I'm a U2 fan, but I like a good number of his songs, and "Born to Run" is by far my favorite album and song.

Watching him do the things he did on that stage was pretty cool for me. At the same time, when he started to climb up on that piano, my first thought was "I hope he doesn't fall and break his hip." The dude is my dad's age (actually, he's younger) for crying out loud and the only thing dad is likely to climb on these days is his bed. But he performed with an energy, verve and stage presence that younger musicians, like say Billy Corgan would kill for... assuming he would ever stop being a pretentious, self-loathing, fuckmook with that pathetic whoa-is-me I'm-a-starving-artist-facade. (And I like Smashing Pumpkins. Seriously. And I digress yet again.)

Just a few thoughts:

• There were no fewer than four moments during that halftime show that made me question whether or not he'd injure himself. That shot of him grabbing the mic stand and leaning back with his knees bent like that, I swear I thought saw a genuinely pained look on his face and I wasn't sure whether or not he'd actually be able to get up from that without Little Stevie and Clarence Clemons helping him out. Though I admit, if he did hurt himself and had to be taken off the field on a cart, that would have amused me to no end.

• (Speaking of which, one of the my favorite bizarre moments was seeing the Big Man on the cowbell for "Glory Days." It was cool, unnecessary and unintentionally hilarious at the same time. Look, I'm a huge advocate of more cowbell but what's the point if you can't even hear it? They had a seven-piece band you put him on the cowbell? On the other hand, if anyone can make a mute cowbell seem cool, it's Clarence. Gene Frenkle would be proud.)

• I like watching power slides as much as the next rock fan but Springsteen's power slide gave me two thoughts: 1. When he was running (read: ambling) to build up speed he looked, well, old. That or his pants were way too tight. 2. I really didn't want to see his crotch flying towards the camera (read: right at me) at that speed at that close of a range, especially on the HD screen at the bar. Good thing that portion of the show wasn't in 3D or else someone might have hurt themselves from flinching.

• The setlist was pretty good. I noticed he changed the lyrics in "Glory Days" to fit the football theme, though it didn't bother me nearly as much as it did other hardcore Springsteen fans since, let's face it, he's not exactly Alexander Solzhenitsyn to begin with. For example, in "Glory Days" you throw a "fastball" whereas a "speedball" is something you do to get high. Not that I'd know anything about that.

• The mic-sharing spit-off with Little Stevie was vintage but having the fake referee go out there to throw a flag was egregious. I'm pretty sure several lines were crossed there.

• "Born to Run" isn't just my favorite album, it's one of my favorite songs and I was really hoping he'd end with it. Instead he clumsily mixed in "Working on a Dream" from his new album. That and the fireworks shooting off in time with the beat of "Born to Run" seemed out of place. Bruce Springsteen, a sellout? Say it ain't so. On the bright side, despite rumors he didn't sing "Secret Garden."

• Out of all the people sitting at the bar patio, there were literally six people who seemed to be into the halftime show, and they were all my age or just a little older. A lot of the younger customers and the Latin audience used that moment to go to the bathroom, order more beer, or get high. I know the peak years of his popularity are behind him but you can't honestly tell me that that many people are apathetic to a living rock legend. I know I'm biased but still.

Despite the flaws, I really enjoyed it. A little more than last year's Tom Petty and way more than Paul McCartney. (What, was Oasis busy?)

Labels: football, humor, more cowbell, music, unintentional comedy

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:33 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Cold ::

Today's has been the coldest day in MIami in quite a while, with the high reaching only 59. Just so you know, I'm not complaining. My little brother lives in Boston and the high there was 25. (I don't know about you but if the "High" doesn't even make it above freezing, you need to start finding new words to use. Maybe "Low" and "Really Freakin' Low.") I also know that a good number of my seven readers are from the cold northern states so I'm not going to bitch about chilly conditions here.

(Though it did take a while for the shower to heat up this morning but, whatever.)

It never fails to amuse me how people who spent most of their lives in warm climate react to non-sunny weather. I should know. You know you're in Southern California if you get a half inch of rain and every newscast starts blaring "STORMWATCH 2009!" And you know you're in MIami if the residents start throwing on layers the moment the temperature drops below 70.

Right now at Starbucks, there are women in fur coats, scarves, boots, thick sweaters, and even earmuffs. The guys are also breaking out the thick jackets, winter shirts, and some funny looking hats. The other thing that gets me is that any time it gets like this, Starbucks and other places overcompensate by cranking up the heat as if it's snowing outside. It's almost like walking into a sauna. Judging by the way everyone is huddling in their seats, I'm probably the only one who thinks so.

Labels: cold, humor, weather

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 4:11 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Football Round 2 Recap ::

Last weekend's football results made me nostalgic for the good ol' days when things like home field advantage, experienced quarterbacks, bye weeks, and statistical analysis actually meant something. Instead, we had the goofiest results this late in the playoff in a long time. That sound you heard Saturday evening was the thousands of people who lost money that day.

Tennessee had the best record on the regular season thanks to a stifling defense and balanced, steady offense. Baltimore had an equally good defense but were "led" by rookie QB Joe Flacco. Thanks to three ill-timed fumbles, the Ravens won despite Flacco completing only 50% of his passes, possibly because they were deflected by his unibrow. My pick: Tennessee.

Philly somehow Forrest Gump-ed their way into the playoffs despite playing wildly inconsistent all season. (They lost to Washington twice including a 10-3 snoozer that made soccer games exciting; and a bizarre 13-13 tie to Cincy, one of the worst teams in the league). Beating Minnesota wasn't a big surprise but watching Eli play like it was his rookie year was a little surprising. He let loose more floaters than I do after eating at a Mexican buffet. My pick: New York.

The snow game in Pittsburgh was a classic, if you define "classic" as "complete blowout." Sandy Eggo lost by eleven points but it wasn't really that close. Absolutely true fact; Sandy Eggo had possession for exactly one play, which was an interception in the entire third quarter. Absolutely true fact that I might have made up; Darren Sproles is actually a Hobbit. He's the fastest Hobbit from the Shire and I think maybe the fact that he had to wear spikes slowed him down. My Pick: Pittsburgh.

Carolina was 8-0 at home during the regular season while Arizona was 3-5 on the road, including 0-5 at games played in the Eastern Time Zone. Arizona had the fewest cumulative rushing yards during the regular season (less than even the bottom-feeding Detroit Lions), while Carolina had the third most prolific ground game. Knowing all this, for some reason, I still picked Arizona to win the game. Why? Call me crazy, I had a gut feeling. Also, I wasn't betting any money on it. If I was playing in even a $5 playoff pool, you'd better believe I would have picked the Panthers. (Fuck my life.)

Next week, Arizona and Philly will play for the chance to play in the Super Bowl. It's the only time that two teams with less than ten wins have ever faced off in a divisional championship game. One month ago when both these teams were floundering, if I told you that they'd both be one game away from the finals, you'd think I was hitting the Jack Daniels a little too hard (then again, you could have said the same thing last weekend). You can't predict anything in this league. Anyone can win any game at any time.

Last year, Baltimore was 5-11 and now they're playing in the AFC championship game. Last year, Arizona was 8-8. While they improved by only one game, they're now playing in the NFC championship game. Good God, the Lions might be respectable next year.

(Who am I kidding, they're years away from merely "no long a laughing stock.”)

Labels: football, humor, NFL, picks, sports, wtf

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:02 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Server Stories: Early Night ::

"Dan-E, my wife and I got into a fight this morning so I'm closing tonight."

"Good to know Tino, thanks."

Weekdays at work have been slow lately, enough so that some of the floor staff is often cut even before we open. I don't mind working slow nights. I usually get a good section, the customers are more mellow than some of the human garbage that trolls through on weekends, and I still make good money since the slower pace allows me to be more attentive with my tables. But the constant six-day workweeks (and a few seven-days) for the last five months or so since I got hired here are getting to me. So when he volunteered to stay, I looked forward to being cut early.

Tino's a good guy. He's an immigrant from Argentina who started here working as a busboy. But unlike some complacent types, he worked hard to better his English and worked his way up to food runner and eventually a waiter, which is what he's been doing for the last year or so. We've really bonded in the last month or so since our sections are often right next to each other during weekends and we work well together. We enjoy good small talk, bitching about the managers, and we both have ponytails.

His wife is actually very gregarious, with a strong, outgoing, straightforward personality that leaves little room for ambiguity. I've had a few fun conversations with her after work. "You sure you want to stay?" I ask just to be nice. "Yeah man, my wife is gonna beat the shit out of me," he replied with a laugh that was only half-joking.

But it's also clear who wears the pants in the family (Tino seems to prefer those calf-length pirate pants) and having met his wife, I'm pretty sure she could kick his ass. She's not huge or anything; a thin 5'7" but she's a workout freak and looks like one of the girls who are freakishly strong, kinda like Monica from "Friends." (Also, she's fourteen years older than him.)

I helped set up the place and wish him good luck before I take off. "Thanks, but it's probably going to be dead."

"No, I mean good luck when you go home tonight."

Labels: girls, humor, waiting

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 10:09 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Server Stories: Cosmos ::

Now, I don't know what it's like at other restaurants but at my current and last place of employment, the guys (who are hetero) usually all get along pretty well. If it's slow and we're standing around talking, conversations can get pretty crass. If it's all guys working that night, it becomes a frat house, with all the shit talking, pranks, and other crap we pull to get through the night. I wrote about it here and here.

I'm sure the majority of my female readers (do I have any male readers any more? Raise your hand(s)) know what movie is coming out this weekend. It was a source of humor for most of the male waiters at work this week and Ramon started it a couple of nights ago while we were setting up the restaurant. "Hey ladies, you remember to keep Friday open so we can go see 'Sex and the City, okay?" (That in itself was funny because we're so shortstaffed that nobody gets Friday or Saturday night off.)

Theo chimes in with "I'm so there girlfriend!"

"And we're gonna go to a lounge and drink some Cosmos and try to find some sugardaddy."

Of course, I can't stay quiet. "And we just have to stop by the Steve Madden store because I saw the cutest pair purple pumps in the window the other day."

(Sometimes, straight guys bond by acting really gay e.g. professional athletes rewarding a great play - touchdowns or home runs - by slapping each other on the ass, but that's a whole other post.)

It's funnier if you actually listened in on it while it happened, since a couple of the girls who work with us were laughing. (Or maybe not.)

The jokes keep going until last night, where I suddenly have this bright idea: "Hey you know what we should do: we should stop by Finnegan's, do shots 'till we're all hammered, then go to a screening and heckle the movie until they throw us out."

I was (only sorta) joking except a few of the guys looked at each other and nodded, and then they gave me that "it's not a bad idea" look. Of course, talk then deteriorated into the stuff we could shout at the screen during SATC, most of which is puerile and sophomoric. I'll spare you the details but a lot of it resembles what a drunk frat guy might yell at a drunk sorority chick during Mardi Gras weekend, and for a few minutes before we opened, we were in stitches.

(By the way, I graduated high school in 1992, in case you were wondering.)

I walked by the bartenders tonight before we opened and quipped, "you guys got enough Triple Sec?" They got the reference and laughed (Triple Sec is a key ingredient in Cosmopolitans) but the scary part was that even though I was joking, I don't think I walked pass the service bar the whole night without seeing at least one Cosmo waiting to be served. Theo had the first table of the night, a group of six middle-aged women, and their first round consisted of four Cosmos and two Sourapple martinis. We had a few bachelorette parties, and some all-female parties tonight each of those tables had at least two Cosmos every time I walked by.

Not only that, our restaurant is a few blocks from the local megaplex so after 8:00, there would be a huge crowd of women walking by every hour or so. Oddly, about half these women seemed either angry or sullen, was the movie as bad as I heard? Who knows, and really, who cares. We never followed up on my bright idea, which was probably a good thing, but I'd be lying if there weren’t a small part of me that wished I could have had that "I once got thrown out of a movie theater" story.

Labels: drinking, humor, I'm an idiot, movie, unintentional comedy

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:15 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Server Stories: April Fool's ::

I'm not a big prankster (though I do like a good Pranqster) so April Fool's is usually just another day. I get called into work to cover a no-show and I arrive to see Antonio still kinda on edge from last night.

Short version: Mondays are usually dead and there were only five waiters, three bussers, and one bartender scheduled. No hostess and no barback. It would have been okay but our reservation computer went from twelve reservations to seventy-nine and one waiter called in sick. I arrive to hear Jed yelling into his cell phone, "I know I'm managing right now but I'm still just a fucking waiter and it's not my job to bail out this fucking restaurant every time someone fucks up!... Look, there are seventy nine reservations and I only have (looks around) four of my five waiters here right now... no, this is not how you run a fucking restaurant!!!..." He goes on and on. He's high-strung as it is - probably from all the coke - but this is new.

Jed was supposed to manage but he changes into his waiter uniform. It's a disaster for many of us. The guys handling the private parties are okay until they're forced to take other tables. Others waiters are trying to juggle more tables than they're accustomed to. I'm actually doing okay since all my tables were friendly but at one point, I have a two tables in the patio, two inside on either side of the bar, and I'm still trying to help out Jed with his 18-top private party before he loses it stabs someone with a steak knife. I'm sweating hard trying to cover a lot of ground. Bussers are overtaxed. The lone bartender is bombarded with orders. Cora has to run the service bar on top of serving bar customers. She has no barback to help her get bottles of wine from the cellar. (And half of her staff got fired over the weekend.) Antonio is trying to manage, seat customers, and once in a while, grab wine from the cellar.

Drinks take a while. Food comes out late. Some customers are very unhappy. I'm trying to make jokes but no one is laughing.

The night ends, everyone is frazzled. But we close early and everyone relaxes after a while. I'm one of the last to leave and I'm allowed a shift drink. Cora pours me a large shot of bourbon and I sip it while doing my sidework.

Back to the story. April Fool's is my day off but I get called to fill in. Our hostess is there organizing the menus and I give her a big hug and sarcastically say "oh my gawd we have a hostess! Hey Antonio! Don't let her leave. Give her whatever she wants, okay?" Acouple of guys from last night hear this and laugh but Antonio just waves me off and says "alright, alright. No more jokes about last night. Geezus."

Cora sees this also and says to me later that we really need to pull a prank on him. We discuss ideas, and include Jean, one of the older waiters. He's been there for three years so if he's in on it it'll be that much better. Fight breaking out in the patio? Wouldn't fall for it. Sudden reservation for a party of 100? Nope. The stove and ovens are broken? The chef is a humorless prick and would never play along. What if one of the staff gets sick? Hmm. Maybe.

We get Dave, another waiter, to lie down in the hallway like he hit his head. I grab some ketchup from the kitchen and apply it under his nose and around his mouth to simulate blood. Jean runs to grab Antonio and brings him over. I'm kneeled over Dave with my hand under his head and I lean in like I'm checking to see if he's breathing. Antonio arrives. "Oh no no no what the fuck happened?

"I don't know man, I heard something in the hallway and I check it out and he's lying in the hallway bleeding!" It was masterful.

The other waiters gather around, in on the joke, and act concerned. "What happened?" "Is he okay?" "OH MY GAWD IS THAT BLOOD?"

He reaches for his cell phone and flips it open to dial 911. Jean then tells him, "oh and one other thing... April Fools!!!" Everyone starts laughing. Dave lifts his head and points and laughs. Antonio is PISSED.

"I'm trying to do some fucking inventory and you guys are doing this shit? What the fuck?! You're all fired!" And he storms off.

Needless to say, we all still have jobs and once he's done with liquor inventory, he's back to his normal, pre-Monday self. Everyone else has fun with it the rest of the night.

Labels: humor, new job, server stories, waiting

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:24 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Server Stories: Restaurant Blues ::

It gets busy every year during the Orange Bowl since Miami becomes overrun with college football fans in town to support their teams (playing in one of the many anonymous, meaningless, BCS-mandated Bowl games. Seriously, what's the names of these Bowls? Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl, Konica Minolta Gator Bowl, San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. It's only a matter of time before we have the Tampax Bowl Presented by Valtrex... but that's neither here nor there). However, the kitchen managers seemed to forget that little detail this year since during a busy Friday night, we started running out of fish. If you work in a seafood restaurant, this is a problem. We have twelve different fish on the menu. By 10:00p.m. we were down to four. Our introductory spiel, which normally consists of rattling off specials, was reduced to telling everyone what we had left:

"Welcome to Seafood Grill. About the menu, there are a few items are currently unavailable. They are grouper, red snapper, swordfish, tuna, whole yellowtail snapper, mahi mahi, lobster, and whole pompano. The fish that are available are trout, salmon, tilapia, and wahoo. Wait, I'm sorry, we just ran out of wahoo. (This is where I try to avoid eye contact and force a smile to hide my abject embarrassment. And not just because I had to say “wahoo.”) Oh, and our soup of the days is New England Clam Chowder. I think we have some left. Now, can I get you some drinks?"

Most of my customers were good natured about it, even the ones that walked out. A few found it funny (especially after I mentioned that someone was getting fired that night.) This happened a couple of times before and it was actually worse ("welcome to Seafood Grill, would you like steak, chicken, or shrimp?") and I try to laugh it off but my buddy Chuck wasn't as amused. After his third table walks out on him, he walks up to me and says "people have written bad country songs about shit like this."

I had a "oh, what the hell" moment and started making up lyrics for a bad country song (is there anything more redundant than “bad country song?”), sounding like Willie Nelson on acid (as opposed to weed). Chuck thought it was funny and contributed a few words here and there. It got funny enough (or perhaps we lost our minds) that I had to write it down. This is what we ended up with that night:

I'm workin' in a diner and we're runnin' out of food
The customers are cranky and they're acting kinda rude
The waiters are all angry, the cooks are all pissed off
The busboy says he'd rather watch a porno and jerk off

CHORUS:
I got the blues, the blues, the restaurant blues
I really hate this job, but I don't know what else to do
It sucks the life right out of me
I drink so much I always pee
The blues, I got the blues, the restaurant blues

The manager is looking like she really wants to cry
Bartenders are drunk, the hostess has gone bye-bye
The owner's on a rampage, he's steamin' from the ears
All I wanna do is go home and drink some beers

Chorus

That's all we have so far. It's a little rough, there's room for editing, but I think we have something.

Labels: anger, drinking, humor, music, rants, server stories, songwriting, waiting

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:03 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Short list of ways to make women happy ::

I just had to share this great email forward I got. Enjoy:

Someone finally came up with a complete list!
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A MAN ONLY NEEDS TO BE:
1. a friend
2 a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a butler
15. a sexologist
16. a gynaecologist
17. a psychologist
18. a pest exterminator
19. a psychiatrist
20. a healer
21. a good listener
22. an organizer
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
- birthdays
- anniversaries
- arrangements she makes

YOU MUST LET HER:
55. dress you up like her own personal ken doll
56. point out your flaws and change you as she sees fit

AND FINALLY:
57. never attempt logic in an arguement since she's always right
58. you must give up your friends, poker nights, sports nights, etc.
59 and if are out, you must let her know exactly where you are at any given point that night


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2.Bring beer

Labels: girls, humor, naked

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 12:21 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Server Stories: Fishing ::

It was a slow lunch shift and I'm behind the bar chatting with Chuck about our usual stuff (boobs, trucks). The day game is over and I'm flipping channels and stop on a bass fishing competition. Our manager walks in, says hi, looks up and asks, "why are you watching this?!"

"We were talking about fishing earlier and this came on."

"What if a customer walks in right now?"

"What's the big deal?"

"Guys, we're a fish restaurant."

And?

Chuck and I thought it was hilarious afterwards but I guess the manager did have a point. Or does he? (He even conceded later that it was a little humorous.) You guys tell me, if you walked into a seafood restaurant and saw a fishing show on their TVs, would that in any way turn you off to eating there?

Labels: fishing, humor, server stories, waiting

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 9:10 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: I Love Baseball ::

If you'd like to see an early nominee for Sports Headline of the Year, check this out. Yeah, I laughed for a solid minute or so when I read it.

(By the way, I graduated high school in 1992.)

I'm also linking to this great blog written by Alyssa Milano. (Yeah, that one.) I'm not just linking to her because she's hot (honest), not because she's some trendy L.A. girl that loves the local teams (she isn't, not that there's anything wrong with that), or even that she's obviously a diehard Dodger fan that inherited her fandom from her father (ok, maybe a little), but because this chick obviously loves baseball. (That and I've had a small crush on her ever since my balls dropped - so it's been at least five years - I'm a late bloomer - but whatever.)

While I'm not surprised to discover that she's a Dodger fan, I'm almost shocked at her insightful commentary, ("...I love that Brady Clark can come off the bench and hit like he's been playing every day. But...why was Lieberthal batting cleanup? Is that some Moneyball thing?" And there's also "Love it or hate it, this is our team. Our outfield, our manager, our LOB #’s, our lack of power. It’s all ours.") tormented-fan griping ("...Base running fundamentals? What’s going on with our base running? ...To anyone that was watching on TV -- did Nomar look safe trying to steal second? He looked safe to me from the stands. ...Power bat please? ...Anyone else stressed right now?") and glorious SanFran Giants-bashing ("Anyone else naively think last night's game was a shoe-in because the Gnats sat Vizquel, Roberts and Klesko? I know I did." And "Hi. Wow. Okay. Last night, I threw up in my mouth a little when Bonds hit that home run.") She calls them the "Gnats." That's so adorably awesome, I could eat her out. Up. I meant up. Let's move on.

And I love her unique, woman's perspective on being a long-suffering Dodger fan ("It's easy for even the most optimistic to get negative after watching yesterday's game, to see the specific flaws instead of the whole picture [kind of like when you look in the mirror and only see the zit on your chin even though it takes up a miniscule part of your whole freaking face]. But I am going to make a conscious decision to stay positive, at least for the time being...") It's been a good fourteen years or so since I stopped worrying about my complexion so while I've also noticed those flaws, it's amusing to read how a flawed lineup is analagous to a zit on a woman's face.

Oh, and then there's this photo.

Labels: Alyssa Milano, baseball, blogs, Dodgers, funny words, girls, humor

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 6:17 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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