:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Burger Overload ::

I've known for a few months that Five Guys Burgers would be opening here on the beach and I've anticipated it with a mixture of craving and apprehension. I wrote about my first meal there and I thought it compared favorably to In-n-Out Burger, if not exactly surpassing the Fast-Food Burger Standard.

Still, I wrote this: "I'm glad that this place is located off the island and requires me to take two busses to get there because if they opened up on the Beach, I'd weigh 300 pounds in two months."

Famous last words. Not only is the new location a relatively short walk from my place, it's also not too far from where I work. They opened up Sunday and of course I, with a few co-workers, went there later that night. Unlike the other location, this spot is open until 4am. Yes, it was delicious.

As good as their fries are, it's just as well I can't get them animal style. Did I say two months? I'll probably need new pants in three weeks

Labels: cheeseburger, food, i'm a fatass, in-n-out

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:35 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Fettuccine, Linguini, Martini, Bikini ::

As much as I love spending time in the kitchen some friends are surprised that I don't own any of those informercial cooking products that blare from the TV at three in the morning. (They're probably asking because they know I'm usually awake at three in the morning.)

It's a good question actually and my answer usually falls along the lines of either "it looks like a piece of shit" or "I prefer doing it old-school." It's why I never owned a George Foreman Grill (I prefer a good skillet AND I like the grease to stay put when I cook my steaks, thank you), one of those Ronco rotisserie ovens (doesn't work well with cedar planks), or any type of food storage savers (I never have leftovers and nothing lasts very long in my fridge.)

You guys know about my love of a good cheeseburger so I almost picked up one of those Big City Slider Stations until I read this review. "Smells of noxious chemicals" doesn't sound very appetizing and I prefer a good full-size burger anyway. Also, judging from the size of your typical slider, I'd have to eat at least twelve or so of these before I got full and I don't have that kind of time. (Actually I do these days but, whatever.)

I do a lot of chopping and dicing when I cook so when I first saw the informercial for the Slap Chop it seemed like a Godsend... Until I realized the "star" is that same hypermanic guy pushing the Sham-wow. I don't know about you but I can't not laugh at this thing. There's his classic line at the 0:37 mark that I can't believe made it past the writers and directors of this car crash. There's a part of me that wants to buy this thing for the sole purpose of being able to use that line on some friends while keeping a straight face.

Then there's classic line number two when he's talking about the "Gratey." "Fettuccine, linguini, martini, bikini." I don't know about you but I have this visual of an Italian Bistro in the Bahamas that features a swim-up bar.

After watching that a couple of times, he killed it for me. Something about him just seems... off, and not just because he could be the A.D.H.D. posterchild who reuses to take his medication. He seems like a guy that would try to peddle real-estate deals to people who got ripped off by Bernie Madoff. That and the Slap Chop just seem like it would come apart after two weeks so it falls under the "piece of shit" category. I have a decent chef's knife. I'll stick with that for now.

Side note: Am I the only one that saw the informercial for the Snuggie and got creeped out?

Labels: cheeseburger, cooking, humor, unintentional comedy, wtf

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:11 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Hungry? ::

With all the time I spend in the kitchen I thought I should post photos of some of the dishes I whipped up. It's not quite food porn but it's definitely not for the faint of heart. And if you're a vegetarian you should probably move along.

Some brats boiled in beer with caramelized onions. Perfect food while watching football.

The Fatty Melt and the Luther Burger. How would you like your coronary prepared?

Deep fried whole Red Snapper with a white wine garlic cream sauce, crispy shallots, and roasted asparagus. It's fish. Of course it's healthy.

Rack of lamb with garlic, rosemary, and dijon crust. I love lamb. 

Saving the best for last, my version of the Bistecca alla Fiorentina (Florentine T-bone). It's very different from how I normally cook a porterhouse steak but the flavors were amazing. Serve rare with a side of cannelini beans, roasted garlic and a big Amarone. Don't eat till you're full, eat till your tired.

Yeah, I can cook  a litte.

Labels: awesomeness, cheeseburger, cooking, fish, food, steaks

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:34 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Hole-y Cheeseburger ::

...In Heaven, looking down at us, shaking his head thinking, "Jesus, we're gonna have a lot more people coming up next year."

That's the answer to the question posed by the mastermind featured in this video.

Labels: awesomeness, cheeseburger, double double, food, in-n-out

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 12:09 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Fattier Fatty Melt ::

Remember my last post about the Fatty Melt?

Only guys like me would look at that and think of adding more grease in the form of bacon. All I did was add a couple of slices of bacon on top of the tomato. This guy went ahead and trumped my creation with this monster. Go ahead and scroll to the bottom of the page.

Why didn't I think of that? Well played, sir.

Labels: awesomeness, cheeseburger, cooking, food, i'm a fatass

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 12:33 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Fatty Melt ::

Stuff like this makes me happy.

A good friend emailed me the link asking, "is it odd that i thought of you when i saw this?" No, not at all. If anything, you know me too well.

Of course I made it at home. Several times. Add some bacon and a touch of mayo and you have all sorts of awesomeness.

Labels: cheeseburger, cooking, food, i'm a fatass

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 6:59 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Double Double vs. Five Guys ::

You guys know how much I revere the Double Doubles from In-N-Out Burger. It's not just that it's something I grew up with, or that it's best damn fast-food burger ever, or that it's comfort food in a way that nothing my mother ever made could match (that last sentence would probably kill her, if not for the fact that she was already dead. And by "dead" I mean, "dead to me").

(The last two sentences were jokes, just so we're clear.)

I've lamented the fact that there's nothing like that anywhere out here in South Florida. It's not that you can't find a good burger, you just have to have a waiter or a bartender ask you about what cheese you'd like and what temperature you’d like your burger. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But sometimes I want to walk up to a counter, order my burger and fries and grab my own refills at a fountain and do it at a place not named McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, or Checkers. They finally opened a Fatburger here and while good, it's not the same.

That may have changed.

There's a baseball scout/writer for ESPN named Keith Law who also maintains a separate blog about food and entertainment. He travels a lot and writes up his scouting reports for ESPN's website. On his other blog, he writes reviews of various restaurants he visited when he's traveling. He's been to L.A a few times and has written glowing reviews of the place and proclaimed the In-N-Out the Gold Standard for fast food burgers, which is why he's also one of my favorite writers.

That was tested somewhat when he wrote about a place called "Five Guys" burgers. It's also a regional burger chain that's scattered up and down the East Coast. He ate there during a trip to Palm Beach during spring training and this is what he wrote:

"...it’s off the charts, and I'd rate it above In-N-Out in the fast food burger category. The fries are the key – hand-cut, like In-N-Out’s, but thicker, and a regular order comes with more fries than I could eat in a sitting. The burgers are thicker than In-N-Out's, of roughly equivalent quality, but because they only cook burgers well done, the patties start to dry out, which one can compensate for somewhat with extra ketchup, but it's not the same thing."

Off the charts? Perhaps but above In-N-Out? No way. No fricken' way. Impossible. Not happening. Especially not if you need ketchup to compensate for overcooked beef. And it's not my West Coast Bias talking. There are plenty of fast food places that try to copy In-N-Out but they can’t match the overall quality of flavor that a Double Double has. Fatburger is the perfect example. I dismissed it as reckless hyperbole.

Then I found out they opened a new location just off 36th and Biscayne, near the Design District where a new plaza opened up a little over a year ago. There's a Target there and I need to stop by anyway so this was perfect. I find out they also pride themselves on fresh produce, never-frozen beef, and the aforementioned hand-cut fries. Again, other places do this but with inferior results.

I walk in and I'm greeted to a nice, clean restaurant that would be almost sterile if not for the fact that there's a row of potato sacks that divide the lines from the dining area. Okay, it's different from the standard dividers but it also looks like they don't have enough storage space. On either wall is a haphazard array of posters and printouts with quotes from various publications (Washington Post, Zagat, etc.) extolling the excellence of Five Guys. I don't ever recall any In-N-Out Burger location (and I've been to plenty) ever having any posters like that because quite frankly, they don't need it. Strike two. However, the smell emanating from the kitchen is strikingly similar to that of In-N-Out.

I finally check out their menu and they do have a bit more in the way of variety. They have kid’s burgers, more toppings, and HOLY CRAP they have bacon! (If there's anything I might love more than a Double Double, it's bacon.) I'm tempted to order a bacon cheeseburger but I stick to the regular cheeseburger so I have more even comparison. I try to keep the toppings as similar as possible: lettuce, tomatoes, and fried onions. In-N-Out has their famous "spread" that's like Thousand Island but better, so I go for mayo and mustard (no ketchup). Other toppings range from sautéed mushrooms (nice), jalapeno and green peppers (very nice), A1 and BBQ sauce (ugh, really?), and relish (that's for hot dogs. I don't get the relish thing. Fatburger also does this and I just can't see it being that good on a burger. But what do I know. I'm unemployed.) I also get a regular order of fries. The Cajun style fries sound tasty but again, for comparison's sake, I stick with the normal fries.

I pay, get my order number and wait. I'm tempted to give them strike three for their prices (almost $11 for a cheeseburger, fries and a soda. For that, I could order TWO Double Doubles, fries and soda and have change left) but it's Miami and prices everywhere on everything have been going up. To be fair since I haven't been to In-N-Out in over two years so I have no idea what they charge now ($2.70 last time). The length of the wait is similar, which is fine since they cook oer order. I notice a large barrel of peanuts at the end of the line, which seems completely out of place, yet it makes sense to give people something to munch on while waiting for their meal. Of course I ate some.

They call my number, and I get my order. In a bag. Didn't I say it's for here? "Sorry man we don't have any trays." Really. "Yeah, you can just rip open the bag and use that." Okay then. I refill my soda, grab some ketchup and sit down. I open the bag and the first thing I notice is the smell, which again, is remarkably similar to In-N-Out. I pull out my burger and rip open the bag and lay it flat. I see the fries and Keith is right, there are a lot of fries here. They stuffed them into a cup about the size of a grande at Starbucks but there's so much left at the bottom of the bag that it could easily fill two. They also had a nice brownish tint instead of the pale yellow you most other places. I grab one and take a bite and... damn it's hot... and good. Disturbingly good. Eat a few more. Keith is right again... bastard. In-N-Out fries taste almost like you're biting into a baked potato, but with that deep-fried crispy goodness. These are similar but the thicker cut really brings out the potato flavor. I'm feel conflicted.

I unwrap the burger and I have to say, it was impressive. It's slightly bigger than a Double Double and there are sesame seeds on the bun. Crisp looking lettuce leaves, good-sized slice of tomato, and the onions look grilled to perfection. I take my first bite and... damn... this is awesome. I take a few more bites. Can this be happening? Something is actually going to sway my opinion? Did somebody actually one-up the benchmark fast food burger?

Well, no.

It was really damn close, however. The two beef patties were thicker, and being well done (they even have a sign behind the counter that states all burgers will be cooked as such) they were a little drier. It had that same pungent, beefy flavor you'll find in a Double Double but it wasn't any more so despite the thicker patties and the texture wasn't as good. The bun was fine but despite having sesame seeds, didn't provide any additional flavor and could have been something bought off the shelf at a Whole Foods. However, the lettuce, tomato, and onion were all fresh and the overall balance of all the ingredients was almost (and emphasize the "almost") perfect.

(By the way, if you're wondering how I could possibly do a fair comparison despite not having had a Double Double in over two years, it's because I've been there enough times over my lifetime that the taste will stay with me until I die. They probably made enough money on me alone that they could finally expanded as far east as Arizona. If I'd known I was moving to Miami in 2003, I would have doubled my efforts. Maybe even recruited some friends.)

The final verdict: well it's a toss-up. Five Guys does have better fries, thanks to the thicker cut and the fact that they use peanut oil instead of vegetable oil. (In-N-Out provides the option of Animal Style however, which is awesome.) As for the cheeseburger, it had that similar great beefy taste and overall balance of flavor, BUT the texture was off since the patties were well done. Don't get me wrong. We're not talking cardboard here. But I've never got anything less than juicy, flavorful burgers at In-N-Out.

So Five Guys has the better fries but In-N-Out has the better burger. And since we're talking burger joints here, the final verdict goes to... (drumroll)...

In-N-Out!

Shocker right? Honestly, I gave Five Guys a fair chance, and I wanted to like it, which I did and I'd recommend it to anyone. If by some miracle they opened up a place in the same city, you can't go wrong either way. (Or go to In-N-Out for the Double Double and Five Guys for the fries.) We're talking options 1A and 1B here. And I'm sure some people might disagree with my verdict (you dogmatic despots).

Last note: I'm glad that this place is located off the island and requires me to take two busses to get there because if they opened up on the Beach, I'd weigh 300 pounds in two months.

Labels: cheeseburger, double double, five guys, food, i'm a fatass, in-n-out

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:43 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Job Search: Day 1 ::

Today was my first job hunt in about two years and considering just how well it went the last time I wasn't really expecting much.

After I got home last night, I sat in my chair for a minute, still a little numb. Oddly, I wasn't worried about my finances or my living situation as much as I was wondering what The Hostess is going to think once she arrives at work and discovers I was fired. Stupid, right?

Anyway, I snap out of it, and start typing out last night's post. It's about 7:20 and I decide to go play some tennis to blow off some steam. So far, my mental state has gone from shock (I'm fired? Over that?) to denial (they'll call me in a couple of days because they'll be short-staffed) to acceptance (whatever, I'll be fine. I started hating that place anyway). But while walking to the park, acceptance slowly boiled into fury (if they're going to fire me over that shit, fuck them). During warm-ups my first few forehands flew to the back of the fence without bouncing. As much as I tried, I couldn't get that day's events out of my head and it got to me. Bad shots seemed that much worse, near misses didn't seem close, and even my good points made me angrier (why can't you play like that all the time you hack?) It's a miracle I never had an ulcer. Oddly enough, that anger seemed to fuel my inner Federer and I actually played well, considering.

I come home and take an extra-hot shower hoping it would clear my head. I sat at my desk, opened up my resume and begin updating it. I finish, move on to the cover letter, finish that, and head over the Kinkos. Then I check out Craigslist for any possible leads. An Open House at the Raleigh Hotel looks promising. It starts at noon, which is perfect. It's located up on Collins and 18 and after, I can make my way down Lincoln Road and see who’s hiring. I'll grab a New Times (new issue every Thursday) on the way over and see what they have in the back.

I leave and walk briskly towards Washington. Two blocks away, I realize I forgot to bring a pen. I don't remember if I wrote about this, but many times at my last job, applicants would often walk in asking for about work in less than professional attire. Many times they wouldn't even have their own pen, and several waiters took the liberty make a note on the application regarding that error. I never did that but I found it annoying.

And now here I am without a pen.

I stop by LeeAnn drugs and buy a nice Pilot rollerball and it was the best $2.50 I spent in a while. Once at the Raleigh, I walk up to the counter and ask about the Open House. The desk clerk gets a pained look on his face and tells me that someone other than the hotel posted the ad as a prank and that there is no Open House. Okay, what the FUCK. "Are you still hiring?" "Yes, you can fill out an application and someone from human resources will review them." Fine. I take my application outside and fill it out in the patio, enjoy the warm weather and the cool breeze, while wondering what the hell my immediate future holds. When I walk back inside, the lobby is filled with applicants and the poor clerk's look went from pained to constipated. I staple my cover letter, resume, and application together and turn it in, then turn to the lobby to get a look at my "competition." It's mostly guys, and most of them showed up wearing jeans and T-shirts, and a few are sporting caps. I only notice two other who brought separate resumes. There are a couple of girls, one who's dressed professionally, and another who looks like she's about to clubbing, sporting some very nice cleavage. It's then I think to myself, "maybe I'll be okay."

The only thing I've had so far that day was some grapes and a can of Rockstar. I'm more thirsty than hungry so I go to Burger King to with my New Times, grab a soda, and see what's available. There's a few promising leads and I tear out the pages and head to stop number two.

Number two is another Hotel on James Ave. Their only opening is for a part-time bartender, but I apply anyway. Nothing remarkable about that place except this: when I walk into their spacious lobby, it's filled with women. Attractive women. Hot women. Everywhere. And I'm the only dude. I've had dreams like this. The least pretty would rate as "yeeaaah, give me two drinks and I'd do her" while the hottest rated as "I would drag my balls through a firepit just to hump her shadow." I don't know what they were doing there (other than the fact that maybe God hates me... I don't even know what that means) but I focus on my task at hand. I get an application, fill it out, attach my papers, and walk out. As I'm walking out, I notice a bleach-blonde Latin chick looking at me. When we make eye contact, she smiles and I smile back... and I almost walk into the doorframe. Smooth, Dan-E. Very Smooth. You idiot.

The next stop would be the most fruitful. It's at another hotel on Collins, and unlike the Raleigh, their Open House ad was legit. I'm there five minutes early and grab an application, but the guy doesn't show up until about 2:40. In the meantime, I'm chatting up a couple of girls who are also there to apply. There's a friendly blonde that seems promising (so much for focus) and I'm making progress until the interviewer finally shows up. Asshole. He turns out to be a friendly enough guy. At first it's only four of us so he does group interviews. My first question is what goes into a Long Island Iced Tea (vodka, gin, rum, tequila, a splash of sour mix and coke, lemon wedge garnish... but I forgot the Triple Sec. I don't know why but I always forget the Triple Sec.) He asks me to make the ultimate margarita (2oz. of a good, Añejo tequila, fresh juice of two limes, 1oz. Gran Marnier; on the rocks with a salt rim. You need a salt rim. Don't argue with me.) Suddenly, our foursome triples in number and he sits us all down and addresses us all on what the company is doing, and what he expects of us. He'll does a quick one-on-one with us, and the blonde goes first. I'm next. We go through my job history, he asks if my name is really spelled "Dan-E," and a few other things about serving and bartending. I guess he likes me enough that he tells me he'll call on Saturday to let me know when I can start training.

SCORE!

I'm stoked. I shake his hand vigorously, and I walk away with a big smile. Awesome. Hired on the spot. It was about 3:15 when that happened and it's when Gay Wingman finally wakes up and calls me to ask how I'm doing. I tell him what happened and he's happy for me.

Not much else happens at the other places I apply at. I stop by an Italian place, a sports bar, a regular bar, and a beer and wine bar. Once I reach Alton Road and head towards home, I check my phone, which I kept on "silent" the whole time.

Remember my buddy, who offered me a job as a supervisor and works at an Irish tavern? I called him the night before just to ask him if he had any openings. He left a couple of texts, saying no promises, but I'll see what's available. When it's all said and done, he ended up telling his boss about me, and she wants to meet me. And now I have an interview tomorrow at noon at his restaurant.

This is awesome. It's nice to have options. Though if I end up working a the Irish place, I'll have to buy this guy a beer. Or maybe a bottle Jack Daniels. Whatever, he's good people. We'll have to wait till the weekend to see what happens. I can't wait.

Labels: bartending, cheeseburger, job search, moving on, the gay wingman, waiting, whiskey

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 12:01 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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