:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

Thoughts, observations, and introspections from an art student waiter/bartender in South Beach. Arcane humor ensues.
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:: Saturday, March 29, 2008 ::

:: Server Stories: Keep an Eye on Your Camera ::
I had a five top of some yuppy types from New York who were in town for Miami's Winter Music Conference. Their reservations are at eight, when it's nice and dark outside. It started off with four, three guys and a girl. I tell them the specials, take their drink orders, ask for their IDs, which they're only too happy to do (they're all aged 25-27; since when did kids that young get so happy to be carded?). It's the girl's birthday so I make it a point to give her my version of VIP service: extra attention, maybe a free drink, and some mild flirtation.

The fifth person finally arrives as I'm serving the appetizers. It's a curvy brunette in a low-cut, flowing green mini-dress sporting some impressive cleavage. "Good evening miss, welcome to Swanky Trendy Restaurant. How you doing?" (I didn't quite do a "Joey" from "Friends" but it was close... I did pronounce the last "g.")

"I'm good. How are you?"

"I'm great thanks... now that you're here."

She throws me a big smile, looks at her friends and says "wow, I like the place already."

It's a Wednesday so it's not that busy, and all my other tables are low-maintenance deuces so I can keep birthday girl, her friend, and the guys happy (roughly in that order). I refill their waters, get fresh cocktails, light their cigarettes, make small talk, flirt lightly, and keep the whole table happy. Near the end, birthday girl is getting cold (she's wearing a short, sleeveless dress) so while she's selecting a dessert, I warm her up by rubbing her arms (I have very warm hands).

When I return with the desserts, the guy who was sitting across from her is now sitting next to her and has his hand on her waist. Oh, umm, oops. (Look, they never gave any sort of indication that they were a couple. No smiles, no hand-holding, nothing.)

Fast forward. Everyone is happy, birthday girl is glowing from her champagne and chocolate cake, and her friend is right there with her. When they leave, I light her cigarette one last time and she says, "thanks. I hope I see you again." "I'll be here all weekend. Stop by any time."

This is where the good part of the story starts:

They forget their camera. I'm closing out the bill, and checking other tables so they're long gone when I come back to clear the glasses. When I get back, they're on the phone with Jed, the manager. (Who, by the way is great for blog material, but that's for later.) He sees me and asks, "Dan-E, did you find a digital camera?" I hand it over, he returns to the phone, and tells my customers that we have their camera, and to stop by and ask for Jed.

I don't even think about that table again until today. When I get to work and start setting up my station. Jed comes up to me and asks, "Hey Dan-E, you remember that camera that you found the other day? Did you look through the photos?" "No. Why? "Dude, there were some fucked up photos on that thing. You should have looked while you had the chance." "Like what?"

"There's a picture of a guy with a dildo jammed up his ass."

And you felt I needed to see this? Why?

"And it wasn't just one. There were several." Within minutes, everyone working that day knows about the camera. A few minutes later, everyone knows it was from my table and they’re asking me, “which one of the guys was it?" As if I can tell from looking at someone if they like to stuff dildos up their asses.

Jed chimes in. "And the fucked up thing is that this guy was taking photo of himself with that dildo up his ass." After which he proceeds to demonstrate just how said photos might have been taken.

"Wait, they didn't stop by yesterday to pick it up?"

"They never came. They're probably too embarrassed to come back and get it. There was also some pictures of a chick in a thong flashing her tits."

"You couldn't mention that first? You had to mention the dude with a dildo up his ass, you homo."

"Yeah, but they weren't that great. Don't get me wrong, I'd still beat off on them but I've seen better."

"Good to know."

"I hope it wasn't that chick you were flirting with."

Shit. "I couldn't tell you. It was dark."

Everyone is having a field day with this. We laugh about it during set up. I joke that I'm going to download the camera to my laptop and create a fake Flickr page titled "Weekend in South Beach."

Just before we open, two of the guys show up asking for the camera. I inform Jed to which he replies, "dammit, I liked that camera." "Dude, you liked the photos." "Yeah, but I've been thinking about getting a digital camera anyway."

I tell the guys that the manager will be right down. Then I notice a girl yapping on a cell phone walk up behind them. She's wearing a denim skirt and a black tank top that's unnecessarily tight, since her pooch is kinda hanging out. Her face is okay but she's scowling for some reason. She doesn't notice me but she does look familiar... oh crap was that the girl in the green dress?! I turn around and walk back into the restaurant.

I'm going to sound like a dick for saying this but... talk about a letdown. How did she go from looking great that night to so... bleh? Yeah, I know. It was dark, she had on makeup, she was probably wearing a push-up bra, I was probably tired, whatever. That’s just wrong. I thought maybe I was being a little harsh until Jed comes up to me and asks, "that's her from the photo. She the one you were macking on?"

"Don't remind me."

"What? She wasn't that bad."

"She looked so much better that night. I don't even know what happened to her in the last two days."

"It's alright brother. Believe me, I've done a lot worse than that."

"Good to know."

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:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:15 PM [+] :: | 0 comments

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