:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Server Stories: Keep an Eye on Your Camera ::

I had a five top of some yuppy types from New York who were in town for Miami's Winter Music Conference. Their reservations are at eight, when it's nice and dark outside. It started off with four, three guys and a girl. I tell them the specials, take their drink orders, ask for their IDs, which they're only too happy to do (they're all aged 25-27; since when did kids that young get so happy to be carded?). It's the girl's birthday so I make it a point to give her my version of VIP service: extra attention, maybe a free drink, and some mild flirtation.

The fifth person finally arrives as I'm serving the appetizers. It's a curvy brunette in a low-cut, flowing green mini-dress sporting some impressive cleavage. "Good evening miss, welcome to Swanky Trendy Restaurant. How you doing?" (I didn't quite do a "Joey" from "Friends" but it was close... I did pronounce the last "g.")

"I'm good. How are you?"

"I'm great thanks... now that you're here."

She throws me a big smile, looks at her friends and says "wow, I like the place already."

It's a Wednesday so it's not that busy, and all my other tables are low-maintenance deuces so I can keep birthday girl, her friend, and the guys happy (roughly in that order). I refill their waters, get fresh cocktails, light their cigarettes, make small talk, flirt lightly, and keep the whole table happy. Near the end, birthday girl is getting cold (she's wearing a short, sleeveless dress) so while she's selecting a dessert, I warm her up by rubbing her arms (I have very warm hands).

When I return with the desserts, the guy who was sitting across from her is now sitting next to her and has his hand on her waist. Oh, umm, oops. (Look, they never gave any sort of indication that they were a couple. No smiles, no hand-holding, nothing.)

Fast forward. Everyone is happy, birthday girl is glowing from her champagne and chocolate cake, and her friend is right there with her. When they leave, I light her cigarette one last time and she says, "thanks. I hope I see you again." "I'll be here all weekend. Stop by any time."

This is where the good part of the story starts:

They forget their camera. I'm closing out the bill, and checking other tables so they're long gone when I come back to clear the glasses. When I get back, they're on the phone with Jed, the manager. (Who, by the way is great for blog material, but that's for later.) He sees me and asks, "Dan-E, did you find a digital camera?" I hand it over, he returns to the phone, and tells my customers that we have their camera, and to stop by and ask for Jed.

I don't even think about that table again until today. When I get to work and start setting up my station. Jed comes up to me and asks, "Hey Dan-E, you remember that camera that you found the other day? Did you look through the photos?" "No. Why? "Dude, there were some fucked up photos on that thing. You should have looked while you had the chance." "Like what?"

"There's a picture of a guy with a dildo jammed up his ass."

And you felt I needed to see this? Why?

"And it wasn't just one. There were several." Within minutes, everyone working that day knows about the camera. A few minutes later, everyone knows it was from my table and they’re asking me, “which one of the guys was it?" As if I can tell from looking at someone if they like to stuff dildos up their asses.

Jed chimes in. "And the fucked up thing is that this guy was taking photo of himself with that dildo up his ass." After which he proceeds to demonstrate just how said photos might have been taken.

"Wait, they didn't stop by yesterday to pick it up?"

"They never came. They're probably too embarrassed to come back and get it. There was also some pictures of a chick in a thong flashing her tits."

"You couldn't mention that first? You had to mention the dude with a dildo up his ass, you homo."

"Yeah, but they weren't that great. Don't get me wrong, I'd still beat off on them but I've seen better."

"Good to know."

"I hope it wasn't that chick you were flirting with."

Shit. "I couldn't tell you. It was dark."

Everyone is having a field day with this. We laugh about it during set up. I joke that I'm going to download the camera to my laptop and create a fake Flickr page titled "Weekend in South Beach."

Just before we open, two of the guys show up asking for the camera. I inform Jed to which he replies, "dammit, I liked that camera." "Dude, you liked the photos." "Yeah, but I've been thinking about getting a digital camera anyway."

I tell the guys that the manager will be right down. Then I notice a girl yapping on a cell phone walk up behind them. She's wearing a denim skirt and a black tank top that's unnecessarily tight, since her pooch is kinda hanging out. Her face is okay but she's scowling for some reason. She doesn't notice me but she does look familiar... oh crap was that the girl in the green dress?! I turn around and walk back into the restaurant.

I'm going to sound like a dick for saying this but... talk about a letdown. How did she go from looking great that night to so... bleh? Yeah, I know. It was dark, she had on makeup, she was probably wearing a push-up bra, I was probably tired, whatever. That’s just wrong. I thought maybe I was being a little harsh until Jed comes up to me and asks, "that's her from the photo. She the one you were macking on?"

"Don't remind me."

"What? She wasn't that bad."

"She looked so much better that night. I don't even know what happened to her in the last two days."

"It's alright brother. Believe me, I've done a lot worse than that."

"Good to know."

Labels: boobs, girls, naked, server stories, stupid customers, waiting

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:15 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Starbucks ::

i'm at my usual starbucks right now and I just had to listen the people in front of me say this:

Gay Guy: Does your cinnamon dole-see (actually spelled "dolce") latte have sugar in it?
Clerk: Yes, we use a...
GG: Oohhhh, if can you leave that out and use equal instead, I'd absolutely love you. (Verbatim.)
C: (Forced smile) Sure. What size?
GG: Oh, whatever your medium is.
C: Grande Cinnamon Dolde Latte with Equal instead of...
GG: Wait, doesn't grande mean large?
C: (Looking like he wants to hurl himself out the window) It's just the way we...

I roll my eyes and tuned out after that. Then the girl in front me walks up and spews this gem:

"I'd like a grande, extra-shot, half-decaf, four-Spenda, four-pump, 130-degree dolce latte."

That's roughly what she said though I'm not completely sure since I think head caved in at that moment. I also thought for a moment that I heard the ex since she's the only one who ever ordered anything that way. This girl was an employee at another store. That's the only explaination.

Anyway, the poor clerk looked like he wanted to set himself on fire by the time I walked up. Through his forced smile and barely veiled contempt for humanity, he greets me and asks for my order.

"Large coffee, please."

Labels: starbucks, stupid customers

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 4:19 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Server Stories: More Idiot Customers ::

Last weekend was Winter Music Conference here at Miami. Any time there's an event or a convention here, there's usually welcome uptick in local businesses here. Most of the time, we welcome any and all patrons to our restaurant but in the case of WMC weekend, everyone at my restaurant had to deal with a rather odd crowd.

Don't let the title fool you. "Winter Music Conference" is actually a mish-mash of events featuring mostly DJs and electronic music artists (i.e. guys who remix music). People who attend this are usually ravers, partiers, clubbers, and Eurotrash hipsters that think wearing sunglasses after dusk is cool (this is a growing trend that I'll never understand, by the way. Most of the bars and clubs here are so dark that you can barely see anything with the naked eye, and you have these idiots walking around with sunglasses. I don't get it.) So while most of out customers very friendly (probably because they were buzzed on x-tacy) we had more than the usual amount of halfwits and douchebags. For example:

• A guy at my tables asks what beers we have. By the bottle, we have Sierra Nevada, Sam Adams, Anchor Steam, Bud, Bud Light, Stella Artois, Heineken, Corona, Amstel Light, and Michelob Ultra. (Yes, that's our actual selection, and I have to repeat that every time someone asks for beer.) "Do you have Land Shark?" (A what???) No. "Do you have Budweiser Select?" My server smile fades and I stare intently into his forehead. "What about Miller Genui..." (Firmly, and probably louder than I intended) Nope.Would you like me to repeat the selection? "Amstel Light, please."

• Another guy orders a trout with a side of pasta. I ask if he wants marinara or white whine clam sauce. "Do you have alfredo sauce?" I shake my head. "Can you make it?" This table is right next to where we keep the pepper mills and I'm seriously considering grabbing one and taking batting practice with this guy's head. I throw him my server stare and say no, we will not. "Well what kind of pasta is it?" Linguine, sir. "Do you have angel hair?" No. "What about penne?" My stare becomes withering and I reply; sir, maybe you should've just stayed at home and have your mom cook for you. And the second I say it, I see my entire waiter career flash before my eyes. SHIT. This guy's going to bitch the managers and I'm gonna get fired. Instead, he simply lowers his head and says "white sauce." Thank you sir. As I take their menus, I see his date glaring at him and shaking her head. She must be a server somewhere.

• I greet another couple that just sat. Welcome to Seafood Grill, we have a couple of specials tonight... "What's the difference, between marsala and piccata?" the lady interrupts. Great, one of those types. It's all explained right there on the menu, ma'am. Can I start you off with a drink? "Oh. Umm, I really don't feel like reading all this, can you just explain it to me?" (I swear to God that's exactly what she said.) I explain. Then she asks what our soup of the day is. New England Clam Chowder. "That's it?" Yes, ma'am. "You don't have like, a vegetable soup or anything?" I was about to saying something I would have regretted, except the guy she was with suddenly interjected, possibly because he felt the steam coming out of my ears. "We'll take a couple of glasses of water for now please. Thank you."

• On our menu, the fish selection is all under the heading "Grilled Fish." Just under that explains how our fish is "...cooked on the grill..." in case there's any confusion. And yet, all weekend I was getting questions like "how is the fish prepared?" (Oh, we cook it.) "How do you cook the fish? (Carefully.)"Can I get it deepfried?" (Can I pee on your face?).

Those three questions, along with the three incidents I listed, all happened on Sunday night between 8:30 and midnight. And believe me, that's way too much stupidity crammed into a three and a half-hour period for a waitstaff to handle.

Labels: server stories, stupid customers, waiting

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 8:47 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Server Stories: I'm not Nostradamus (I'm not very nice either) ::

I get a call during a lunch shift a few weeks ago from a customer wanting to make a reservation for February 17th. "How many in your party?"I ask.

"Party of two." "Sir, we only take reservations for parties of six or more."

"Well, can you tell me, by your best guestimation (he used exactly that word), on how busy it might be around 8:00 that night?"

I blink a couple of times before I reply "one moment sir."

I put him on hold and walk over to one of my tables to take their order. I don't have time for this shit. I couldn't tell you how busy it'll be that night (or even what that day's date is at the time) much less what it's going to be a few days from now.

After entering their orders, I go back to the phone. "Sir, we're completely booked for that evening and there will probably be a two hour wait. You'll just have to come in." (At this point, I still have no idea what day February 17th falls on.)

"Well, we still need a reservation for two" ("We?") "No." "Well what if I made a table for six?"

This guy won't quit. I sigh rather loudly, enough that there's no doubt he heard it. "Again sir, we're completely booked."

Click.

Whatever. I check my tables, then go to the reservation book to see if we are in fact, booked. As it turns out, the 17th was a Saturday during the Miami Boat Show, which is typically our busiest weekend. Naturally, we were completely booked. And if the number of reservations on that page weren't enough, one of the managers wrote in large red letters, "DO NOT TAKE ANY MORE RESERVATIONS" at the bottom of the page. I even told the general manager about the call and he got a good laugh out of it.

I have no idea if the caller tried to come in that night, but we didn't miss his business, since it was very lucrative for everyone who worked (I made my rent and then some in three nights). For once, kharma let me off easy.

Labels: server stories, stupid customers, waiting

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 6:20 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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