:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Tuesday, March 27, 2007 ::

:: Server Stories: More Idiot Customers ::

Last weekend was Winter Music Conference here at Miami. Any time there's an event or a convention here, there's usually welcome uptick in local businesses here. Most of the time, we welcome any and all patrons to our restaurant but in the case of WMC weekend, everyone at my restaurant had to deal with a rather odd crowd.

Don't let the title fool you. "Winter Music Conference" is actually a mish-mash of events featuring mostly DJs and electronic music artists (i.e. guys who remix music). People who attend this are usually ravers, partiers, clubbers, and Eurotrash hipsters that think wearing sunglasses after dusk is cool (this is a growing trend that I'll never understand, by the way. Most of the bars and clubs here are so dark that you can barely see anything with the naked eye, and you have these idiots walking around with sunglasses. I don't get it.) So while most of out customers very friendly (probably because they were buzzed on x-tacy) we had more than the usual amount of halfwits and douchebags. For example:

• A guy at my tables asks what beers we have. By the bottle, we have Sierra Nevada, Sam Adams, Anchor Steam, Bud, Bud Light, Stella Artois, Heineken, Corona, Amstel Light, and Michelob Ultra. (Yes, that's our actual selection, and I have to repeat that every time someone asks for beer.) "Do you have Land Shark?" (A what???) No. "Do you have Budweiser Select?" My server smile fades and I stare intently into his forehead. "What about Miller Genui..." (Firmly, and probably louder than I intended) Nope.Would you like me to repeat the selection? "Amstel Light, please."

• Another guy orders a trout with a side of pasta. I ask if he wants marinara or white whine clam sauce. "Do you have alfredo sauce?" I shake my head. "Can you make it?" This table is right next to where we keep the pepper mills and I'm seriously considering grabbing one and taking batting practice with this guy's head. I throw him my server stare and say no, we will not. "Well what kind of pasta is it?" Linguine, sir. "Do you have angel hair?" No. "What about penne?" My stare becomes withering and I reply; sir, maybe you should've just stayed at home and have your mom cook for you. And the second I say it, I see my entire waiter career flash before my eyes. SHIT. This guy's going to bitch the managers and I'm gonna get fired. Instead, he simply lowers his head and says "white sauce." Thank you sir. As I take their menus, I see his date glaring at him and shaking her head. She must be a server somewhere.

• I greet another couple that just sat. Welcome to Seafood Grill, we have a couple of specials tonight... "What's the difference, between marsala and piccata?" the lady interrupts. Great, one of those types. It's all explained right there on the menu, ma'am. Can I start you off with a drink? "Oh. Umm, I really don't feel like reading all this, can you just explain it to me?" (I swear to God that's exactly what she said.) I explain. Then she asks what our soup of the day is. New England Clam Chowder. "That's it?" Yes, ma'am. "You don't have like, a vegetable soup or anything?" I was about to saying something I would have regretted, except the guy she was with suddenly interjected, possibly because he felt the steam coming out of my ears. "We'll take a couple of glasses of water for now please. Thank you."

• On our menu, the fish selection is all under the heading "Grilled Fish." Just under that explains how our fish is "...cooked on the grill..." in case there's any confusion. And yet, all weekend I was getting questions like "how is the fish prepared?" (Oh, we cook it.) "How do you cook the fish? (Carefully.)"Can I get it deepfried?" (Can I pee on your face?).

Those three questions, along with the three incidents I listed, all happened on Sunday night between 8:30 and midnight. And believe me, that's way too much stupidity crammed into a three and a half-hour period for a waitstaff to handle.

Labels: server stories, stupid customers, waiting

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 8:47 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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