:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Server Stories: Keep an Eye on Your Camera ::

I had a five top of some yuppy types from New York who were in town for Miami's Winter Music Conference. Their reservations are at eight, when it's nice and dark outside. It started off with four, three guys and a girl. I tell them the specials, take their drink orders, ask for their IDs, which they're only too happy to do (they're all aged 25-27; since when did kids that young get so happy to be carded?). It's the girl's birthday so I make it a point to give her my version of VIP service: extra attention, maybe a free drink, and some mild flirtation.

The fifth person finally arrives as I'm serving the appetizers. It's a curvy brunette in a low-cut, flowing green mini-dress sporting some impressive cleavage. "Good evening miss, welcome to Swanky Trendy Restaurant. How you doing?" (I didn't quite do a "Joey" from "Friends" but it was close... I did pronounce the last "g.")

"I'm good. How are you?"

"I'm great thanks... now that you're here."

She throws me a big smile, looks at her friends and says "wow, I like the place already."

It's a Wednesday so it's not that busy, and all my other tables are low-maintenance deuces so I can keep birthday girl, her friend, and the guys happy (roughly in that order). I refill their waters, get fresh cocktails, light their cigarettes, make small talk, flirt lightly, and keep the whole table happy. Near the end, birthday girl is getting cold (she's wearing a short, sleeveless dress) so while she's selecting a dessert, I warm her up by rubbing her arms (I have very warm hands).

When I return with the desserts, the guy who was sitting across from her is now sitting next to her and has his hand on her waist. Oh, umm, oops. (Look, they never gave any sort of indication that they were a couple. No smiles, no hand-holding, nothing.)

Fast forward. Everyone is happy, birthday girl is glowing from her champagne and chocolate cake, and her friend is right there with her. When they leave, I light her cigarette one last time and she says, "thanks. I hope I see you again." "I'll be here all weekend. Stop by any time."

This is where the good part of the story starts:

They forget their camera. I'm closing out the bill, and checking other tables so they're long gone when I come back to clear the glasses. When I get back, they're on the phone with Jed, the manager. (Who, by the way is great for blog material, but that's for later.) He sees me and asks, "Dan-E, did you find a digital camera?" I hand it over, he returns to the phone, and tells my customers that we have their camera, and to stop by and ask for Jed.

I don't even think about that table again until today. When I get to work and start setting up my station. Jed comes up to me and asks, "Hey Dan-E, you remember that camera that you found the other day? Did you look through the photos?" "No. Why? "Dude, there were some fucked up photos on that thing. You should have looked while you had the chance." "Like what?"

"There's a picture of a guy with a dildo jammed up his ass."

And you felt I needed to see this? Why?

"And it wasn't just one. There were several." Within minutes, everyone working that day knows about the camera. A few minutes later, everyone knows it was from my table and they’re asking me, “which one of the guys was it?" As if I can tell from looking at someone if they like to stuff dildos up their asses.

Jed chimes in. "And the fucked up thing is that this guy was taking photo of himself with that dildo up his ass." After which he proceeds to demonstrate just how said photos might have been taken.

"Wait, they didn't stop by yesterday to pick it up?"

"They never came. They're probably too embarrassed to come back and get it. There was also some pictures of a chick in a thong flashing her tits."

"You couldn't mention that first? You had to mention the dude with a dildo up his ass, you homo."

"Yeah, but they weren't that great. Don't get me wrong, I'd still beat off on them but I've seen better."

"Good to know."

"I hope it wasn't that chick you were flirting with."

Shit. "I couldn't tell you. It was dark."

Everyone is having a field day with this. We laugh about it during set up. I joke that I'm going to download the camera to my laptop and create a fake Flickr page titled "Weekend in South Beach."

Just before we open, two of the guys show up asking for the camera. I inform Jed to which he replies, "dammit, I liked that camera." "Dude, you liked the photos." "Yeah, but I've been thinking about getting a digital camera anyway."

I tell the guys that the manager will be right down. Then I notice a girl yapping on a cell phone walk up behind them. She's wearing a denim skirt and a black tank top that's unnecessarily tight, since her pooch is kinda hanging out. Her face is okay but she's scowling for some reason. She doesn't notice me but she does look familiar... oh crap was that the girl in the green dress?! I turn around and walk back into the restaurant.

I'm going to sound like a dick for saying this but... talk about a letdown. How did she go from looking great that night to so... bleh? Yeah, I know. It was dark, she had on makeup, she was probably wearing a push-up bra, I was probably tired, whatever. That’s just wrong. I thought maybe I was being a little harsh until Jed comes up to me and asks, "that's her from the photo. She the one you were macking on?"

"Don't remind me."

"What? She wasn't that bad."

"She looked so much better that night. I don't even know what happened to her in the last two days."

"It's alright brother. Believe me, I've done a lot worse than that."

"Good to know."

Labels: boobs, girls, naked, server stories, stupid customers, waiting

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:15 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Nothing better to do? ::

Anyone who reads my blog knows I'm a huge football fan. I've followed my SanFran 49ers since the Joe Montana era. You might think I live and die during the months of October to January depending on how they do, which isn't too far from the truth. But at its core, football is entertainment, nothing more. It's one vehicle for men (and women) who follow the desire to be a part of something larger than themselves, however absurd, ephemeral, or sophomoric our devotion may seem to others. We love our teams, we love the sport itself, and we know that although Our Team may have lost in the playoffs/not made the playoffs/sucked so bad you wanted to disown them, life goes on and there's always next year.

That being said, what the FUCK is up with this shit?. Seriously, there's the Michael Vick issue, players out there causing shootouts at strip clubs, and players still trying to take steroids and other performance enhancing supplements but forget all that. Those long-haired bastards need to see a barber.

I mean, really? This is what the powers that be of the National Football League are going to discuss?

Granted, this is the merely the suggestion of one team president of one football team - Kansas City Chiefs president Carl Peterson- who by the way, hasn't been able to put together a winning team since Dick Vermeil retired a few years ago. But the fact that it's actually important enough of an issue that it'll be discussed during the NFL owner's meeting tells me that some people who run the league are incredibly shortsighted and out of touch.

Look, I realize that for me to get all riled up about something this trivial (from any perspective really, be it from team owners to the casual fan) is a bit absurd, considering there's so many other things out there that I can get riled up about. I know that there are other things that concern me more. But reading about this affected me in a way I can't exactly explain, and it's not just because I'm a football fan with long hair that's almost down to my ass (okay, maybe a little).

The NFL has had an image problem the last couple of seasons. Players testing positive for drug tests, several criminal convictions, players being caught with gun arsenals, and even allegations of cheating among the coaching ranks. This article argues my point more eloquently than I can (and gayer... seriously, "Waiting to Exhale" dude? Take a day off and watch "Caddyshack" or something) and I'll paste a few points.

...players wear their hair long for reasons beyond fashion or to be rebellious. For example, Pittsburgh Troy Polamalu does it as a tribute to his Samoan heritage and Jacksonville's Lamont Thompson as a way to remind himself to be patient. And as a man who has grown locks twice in my life, I can tell you starting them can be very spiritual and maintaining them a source of pride. Like fingerprints and DNA, no two heads of locks are exactly the same.

...No, I see it as another way to make corporations comfortable about the NFL because its image has taken a severe hit the past couple of seasons. Whitewash the personality so that the product is more palatable to a broader audience.

I'm going to wake up tomorrow and think about the day ahead and the upcoming weekend. I'm going to study for the upcoming wine test I need to take at my new job. I'll watch CNN and consider the upcoming election. And I'll probably wonder if I'll be able to wake up in time to get in some tennis Saturday morning. And even if some of my favorite players have to cut their hair to meet uniform standards, I'll probably still follow football with the same fervor as your average football freak.

But at least I have a modicum of an idea of what really matters.

Labels: 'roids, football, hair, rants

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 12:16 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Caught in the Rain ::

It's been raining all weekend here. I managed to drag my lazy ass out of bed yesterday morning and get in some tennis, just before it started up. It was still raining this morning but I felt oddly agitated and restless so when there was a break in the rain, I went for run. There was still a light off-and-on drizzle but it was fine. I did my usual of jog to the track and ran the bleachers.

I was doing a cool-down lap when it started coming down. I've been caught in the rain before and I usually duck under something because, well, I needed a breather. Today? I don't know why, but I kept going. Honestly, it felt great and I got a second wind. It almost felt like the crap from the last two or three months of my life were being rinsed away.

And it's true in some sense.

I don't hate going to work. I've lost weight. I now wake up well before noon even though there's no lunch shift to work.

Most of my new co-workers are pretty cool. At the last place I couldn't stand half of the waitstaff. There were maybe only three people I would consider friends.

I feel like I have more energy. Maybe it's the challenge of learning something new. Or maybe it's being in a new environment. More likely, being fired from a place I didn't like anyway gave me that wake-up kick in the ass that I so badly needed.

I see things more clearly.

It rained harder and harder as I ran. By the time I got home, my clothes were drenched and my shoes were making that squishing noise. I'm normally out of breath when I get to my apartment but I felt okay this time. I stretch, chug some water, take a hot shower and cook up a bowl of oatmeal. There really was something cleansing about running in that rain. It's something I need more of.

Labels: introspective, running, waiting

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:01 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Job Search: Day Job ::

I went to that interview earlier this week, and they told me that they're looking for someone to work the overnight (11pm to 6am) shift during the weekends. I don't mind working late but it's but I usually don't leave work till about 2am on weekends. They did say that there might be a daytime bartender shift opening in a couple of weeks which might work out well.

But this might become my "regular" job. After only a week, I've started hearing rumors that Swanky Trendy Restaurant might shut down soon. Great. Whatever, I'm leaving this line of work soon anyway. One of the guys who's been at Swanky Trendy Restaurant for about three years told me he got a day shift job nearby and that he's basically getting a backup plan since he heard very strong rumors that Swanky will close "late April to early June."

Good to know.

Labels: job search, waiting

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:54 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Job Search: What did you call me? ::

I've been getting to know the staff pretty well that over the last few days since it's either been slow at the restaurant and we've had time to stand around and talk or we go out for beers after work. One of the guys comes up with a new nickname for me every few days, some of the guys are already at the stage where we feel comfortable talking shit to each other, and a few of the girls there are in love with my massages. (They're also jealous of my hair, which is weird and kinda cool at the same time. Know what I'm talking about? Um, neither do I.)

(It's the polar opposite of the last place in that while I don't really like working there, I like the people who do.)

Anyway, there's this bartender who always calls everyone "honey," "sweetie," or "baby." She seems nice enough but we've never had any substantial conversations beyond stuff like how long we've been living in South Beach or our favorite booze.

One night after work a few of use head to the bar after work. The bartender and I were talking while I'm waiting for my Guinness to settle. She gets her vodka cranberry and heads back to our table. As she walks away she calls me "Sweet Cheeks."

Now, I've met plenty of women who always use expressions like "honey," "sweetie," or "baby" and I've never read anything into it. But "sweet cheeks?"

That's new.

Labels: bars, guinness, weird, wtf

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:39 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Happy St. Patrick's Day! ::

Have a few of these.

I'm also going to treat myself to a little of this.

Labels: alkie, Beer, drinking, guinness, whiskey

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:54 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Job Search: Oh, NOW they Call ::

A manager from one of the restaurants I applied at called and left a message asking me if I'm still interested in working there. Hmm. A little late, since I'm working now, right? Except I'm actually considering it.

Why? Things at Swanky Trendy Restaurant are going okay but depending on the nights, weather, and what section I'm in, things have been frustratingly hit-and-miss there. I'm still willing to ride it out since most of the people there are nice and I'm actually kinda interested in learning out haute cuisine and gathering more wine knowledge. (Before this, I had no idea what things like "cuvee" and "mertiage" are and I always thought Brut was a cologne for greasy used-car salesmen. It sounds stupid but I'm serious. I rarely drink champagne.)

(Slight digression: did I mention that this job requires me to wear a tie? I fucking hate ties. Something about that seems so unnatural to me. On the other hand I told me parents that I finally have a job that requires me to wear a tie to work and they've never been more proud.)

Honestly, I've been thinking about picking up a second job anyway. Swank is dinner only and this other place has does a pretty good breakfast and lunch business so my plan is to try out the morning shift a few days a week and keep my night job. It's the middle of season so I'll just work my ass off for two months. This way, I'll make some extra cash, go out less, save more, and when season is over, quit one job and focus my efforts on finding my "real job." (That and I have a month's worth of lost income I need to make up.) Whatever money I have saved up, I can use on printing out a nicer portfolio, plane tickets in case I need to fly somewhere for interviews, and any other costs that job search might incur.

And maybe buy myself a nice bottle of bourbon to celebrate getting that job.

I'm going to have to sleep on it but it might work.

Labels: career, job search, new job, waiting

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 4:01 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Getting Old ::

During my time off, one of the things I did to kill time was to go running again. (I used to run pretty regularly a couple of years ago but having a girlfriend and job that sucks the life out of you tends to kill your energy.) Naturally, my first time out was awful. I barely made it out to the track before my calves were burning.

At least I was playing tennis somewhat regularly so it got better quickly. I was never a great distance runner anyway so whatever I lack in time and distance I make up with intensity by doing stair climbs. It's more of a plyometric workout than aerobic but exercise is exercise. There aren't any of those long, steep climbs you'd see in a football stadium, just some rickety wooden bleachers. Still, it serves its purpose and after about a week, I was back to my old pace.

Last Sunday, after a couple of sets, I notice two guys walk over to the bleachers next to mine and started their own workout. It wasn't much different; a few sets of running up one step at a time followed by a few sets two at a time, though at a somewhat faster pace. It's what they did next that caught my eye. They started hopping up the steps like a couple of rabbits. Then they did the hop one leg at a time. Hmm. Never tried that. Looks easy enough. No problem. I'll match them step for step.

Three problems with that line of thinking:

1. I've never hopped up the bleachers, never mind the one leg thing.
2. These guys were about fifty pounds lighter than me. At least.
3. They were also at least ten years younger.

(Also, keep in mind that I don't know who the hell they are and they couldn't care less who I was, yet I'm here thinking, "I'll take these guys down.)

I start with the two-legged hops. This isn't so hard. I played volleyball before. I have thick legs. After the fourth one however, I start to struggle. It's okay, just a couple more. Done. Oh wait, I have to do the one legged thing now. Crap. I start with my right leg. Then switch to my left leg. It's my weaker side so my entire thought process was "don't break your ankle. Dumbass." I start mentally playing Alice in Chains' "Rooster" to pump me up.

Ain't found a way to kill me yet
Eyes burn with stinging sweat
Seems every path leads me to nowhere...

... Yeah they come to snuff the rooster
Yeah here come the rooster, yeah
You know he ain't gonna die
No, no, no, you know he ain't gonna die

I manage to finish up without hurting myself and try to take some pride in knowing I can keep with some lanky kids. It's then I look over see that they're doing the whole thing again. Dammit. I can’t leave now. I take some deep breaths, stretch my quads, and do the whole thing over again. Oh gawd this sucks. My mental iTunes still has "Rooster" on repeat, though now the second verse is starting to resonate more.

Got my pills 'gainst mosquito death
My buddy's breathin' his dyin' breath
Oh God please won't you help me make it through

My legs are burning. My lower back is starting to hurt. But I keep at it. Pain is good, I start telling myself. Use it. Pain means you're alive. Feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. USE IT. Don't *think* you can do this, *know* you can do this. There's a difference between knowing the path, and taking the path... wait a sec, when the FUCK did I starting talking like Morpheus? Great little pep talk Obi-Wan. Now can we just get this shit over with?!

I'm doing the last of my sets and I see the guys taking a breather, with one of them bent over sucking wind. That's right buddy. Eat it. I complete my last climb and I decide to take a few cool-down sets. I finally see the guys walk away. Oh yeah. Still here bitches. I rule. Immediately after, the fatigue finally hits me and I prop myself up on the fence because my legs feel like someone beat them with mallets. Holy crap that sucked. What the hell was I thinking? After a few minutes of heavy breathing, stretching and making sure I don't need a stretcher I slowly jog home.

I stretch a little more, chug two glasses of water, take a long hot shower, and I feel a lot better. Pretty good actually. My legs are a little tender but they're fine. Of course, the next morning when I wake up, I had trouble actually getting up because my calves and quads were SORE. Good thing it was slow that night at work because running around in that condition would have really sucked.

Labels: competitive, exercise, music, running

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:38 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Server Stories: The New Job ::

The last post was about how I got the job. This post is about what the job is like.

The short version is that so far it's... eh. I haven't made much money despite the fact that the prices are considerably higher than my old job. For one, the nights have been slow and being the new guy, I don't get a good section until I pay my dues.

On my first night on the floor as a waiter, I walk up to my first (and only) table of the night and I greet the couple by saying, "good evening, welcome to Seafood Grill." Don't even bother, I'll say it for you: I'm a fucking idiot. Old habits are hard to break. Fortunately, it's an older couple and the music is going so they don't hear much beyond "welcome."

Tuesday and Wednesday night were snoozers. It was slow and no one really did much of anything. Thursday night, I got assigned to a party of 125 people in the mezzanine. No problem except it was a gropu of Italian Nationals and only a handful of people in the party spoke even passable English. Everyone else insisted on speaking Italian despite the fact that I don’t look remotely Italian. Also working against us was that they didn’t assign enough servers, there were two new guys and the party Captain was also a first time Captain. All things considering, he did a pretty good job making sure everything that needed to be done got done but it was an ordeal. In the end, the customers were happy and we walked out with a decent payday.

Friday was okay. Saturday sucked because it was the coldest night of the month and I was assigned an outdoor section. I had three tables the entire night. I picked up a 7-top indoors because of one of the waiters wanted to leave early. Cool, just transfer it and I'll take over. Except they spoke mainly Spanish and were very high maintenance. He also failed to mention that there were a few items they turned away that he conveniently forgot to ask the manager to void leaving me to explain why Table 11 was asking to speak to management. I had Sunday off and I used it to decompress and run some errands.

Monday SUCKED because although I finally got a full section, it was indoors and the weather finally warmed up enough that the majority of the customers wanted to dine al fresco. I walked home with $22.

Honestly though, it's just a run of bad luck and like averages in baseball, things will improve.

I'm venting and ranting somewhat but truth be told, it's not all bad. The majority of my co-workers are really cool people, and many of them have been more than happy to help me out if I have a question or five. They invited me out for drinks on my third night and got to know some of the folks. One of the girls is already in love with my shoulder rub techniques. Couple of the guys and I have already bonded to the point that we're already talking shit to each other.

The General Manager, like any good GM, knows his stuff, regales the staff with stories of his accomplishments, loves the sound of his own voice, and is viewed by the staff with either apathy or acrimony. The two assistant managers on the other hand, seem like good people.

Antonio has been there for only two months but he's the friendly one that goes around and greets the staff before work. It seems however, that the staff views him as the GM's puppet (or "puppy" depending on the person's grasp of American euphemism.

Vera is an absolute sweetheart. She always sits patiently and answers my numerous questions, doesn't go on ego trips, is exceedingly friendly, and is always willing to help someone out. It's somewhat surprising since literally every manager I've worked for has some sort of character flaw that manifests itself eventually, be it ego, melodrama, power-trippers, inability to handle pressure, or lackadaisical work ethics. I saw none of this, though it may be because I haven't been there long enough. Also, perhaps because she's part French, is about 5'10," and possesses a willowy body, but she's always dressed impeccably. It's too bad she's a smoker. And married. And completely out of my league.

Still, this beats sitting around on my ass, nursing sore feet from walking around South Beach job hunting, and watching Food Network reruns.

Labels: rants, server stories, waiting, wtf

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:56 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Server Stories: The New Guy ::

I haven't blogged much in the last ten days because I've been at Swanky Trendy Restaurant training, working, or studying stuff for work and I'm sure you're curious as to what's going on.

I found their ad on Craigslist looking for a “server fine dining restaurant in South Beach.” The GM calls me a few days later and tells me my interview at will be at 4:30 on Wednesday. When I arrive, there's already a few people there filling out applications and I'm worried that I might again get lost in a sea applicants during those mass interviews.

I fill out the app and get to the last two pages, which is a quiz to determine our food and beverage knowledge. I breeze through the food and liquor but in between I get stuck at the wine section. (No beer quiz? What's up with that?)

They asked me to name wine regions in America (easy enough) and at least three wine regions in France and Italy. Oh... ummm... shit. Since no one was paying any attention to me, I text my wine fanatic friend Joo with my questions, and to her everlasting credit got back to me within five minutes with the answers.

I finish up, and the GM takes me to a table for the interview. He looks over my resume, the application, and asks me about my experience. We chat for a little bit, and then he goes into this spiel about what he expects from me if I'm to work at Swanky Trendy Restaurant. I simply nod my head, maintain eye contact and say stuff like "sure, of course," and "I agree." He then looks over my quiz, nods his head, and finally says, "your food knowledge is good, you definitely know your liquors (and beer! Don't forget beer!) and you seem to know your wines." I try not to crack a smile and simply nod. "You have good experience as well. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna give you a chance. Welcome aboard." Just like that? "Thank you very much!” I vigorously shake his hand. He introduces me to one of the floor managers, who asks me if I'm busy this evening. Umm, no? "Do you have black pants?" Yes? "Your shirt and shoes are fine. Can you go home and change into your black pants and be back within an hour?" I can do that. "Alright then, I'll seen you soon. Welcome to Swanky Trendy Restaurant."

I walk out with a strut and pump my fist a few times like Tiger Woods after sinking a 40' putt. Still, when I got home, I felt more relieved than jubilant.

Training was three days in the kitchen learning the food, which was actually a little disconcerting because I had to learn stuff like "confit" and "aioli" and learn the difference between a relish and chutney. (I always thought relish was just the green stuff you put on hot dogs and chutney was a city in England.)

I got to taste some of their stuff, which I have to admit, was quite good. And it actually helped a little in learning the ingredients for each dish. The last three days of training was on the floor, learning the computer, floorplan, and the procedures unique to Swank. They try to maintain a fine dining atmosphere so I have to be a lot more attentive to details. It's also about three times the size of the last place so I have a lot more ground to cover.

If I'm not training, I'm at Starbucks in the morning studying the menu and looking up stuff like coulis, brioche, and tapenade. I've actually heard a lot of these terms and have an idea of what they are since I watch a lot of Food Network but I still needed to be sure exactly what the hell they were for the test.

The test was on Tuesday, which I passed easy enough (I was wrong about endive being a type of lettuce. You'd think I'd know since I feed my turtle that stuff), easier than the last place, despite having a more complicated menu. I've been on the floor every day since then. Once I passed that test, everyone at the restaurant had to take a wine test (there was an easier version for the new guys) and so I spent my off time studying wines. I had to learn their wines by the glass and I also passed that test yesterday. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I have to take the full test since there are almost two hundred wines available I'm not looking forward to it.

Today was my first day off in ten days and let me tell you, I'm tired. As for the goatee, since there's waiters, food runners, and bussers that have various forms of facial hair (I'm still not sure why they made me cut it in the first place) I've been slowly growing it back. My buddy that works at The Abbey saw me recently and almost had a freak out. "Geez, you look like a kid. If you walked into my bar right now for the first time, I wouldn't serve you."

Last note: thanks to everyone who left comments of encouragement and well wishes here. That meant a lot and I truly appreciate it.

Labels: food, goatee, job search, new job, server stories, waiting, wines

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 8:53 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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