:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: The Replacements ::

"I look at you and I see two men: the man you are and the man you ought to be... "
- Gene Hackman from "The Replacements"

You wouldn't think that some cheesy line from a "so-bad-it's-good" football flick would mean much. I was flipping channels after "SportsCenter" and "The Replacements" happened to be on. I've seen it before but it's one of those films that I'll watch till the end if I run across it. You've probably never watched (because you have a life) it but it's worth watching just for the sheer Unintentional Comedy throughout the whole flick.

There's Keanu Reeves, who's shockingly effective as the quarterback There John Favreau playing the psychotic adrenaline junkie defensive back (you occasionally see him with a "wait, I was in the movie 'Swingers' and now I'm doing this?" look on his face). There's Gene Hackman mailing it in shouting clichés with a "wait I was the start of 'Hoosiers' once, wasn't I?" look on his face. And my favorite character was the lovely Brooke Langton as the head cheerleader/love interest/Wonderbra spokesperson whose previous claim to fame was one of Billy's girlfriends on "Melrose Place" (yes, I recalled that from memory and no, I'm not ashamed). Just so we're clear, her character is a single, cute, kindhearted, head NFL cheerleader who, by the way, owns her own bar. I mentioned she's single, right? Because this happens all the time.

John Madden and Pat Summerall providing commentary (including one train wreck of a scene where Keanu finally makes a move on Brooke. The Police's "Every Breath You Take" is playing while Madden and Summerall provide commentary like Shane is trying to get into the end zone. I'm not making this up.)

I could go into the plot but it's your standard predictable sports movie with a happy ending, and I AM somewhat ashamed to admit, the ending gave me chills. Just like a good bad sports flick should.

Labels: boobs, football, movie, NaBloPoMo, reviews, unintentional comedy

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:39 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Hitman ::

I've been on an independent and foreign movie kick lately. I've been getting a lot of that from Netflix and I've enjoyed most of them. I enjoy well crafted dramas (Il Postino, Field of Dreams) and thought provoking films (Syriana, City of God) as much as anyone. But if there's one thing for that's a guilty pleasure, it's a big, loud, dumb, action movie.

I had the day off so I went to see a movie. It was either "No Country for Old Men" or "Hitman." I had a long week so I decided on "Hitman." Remember how base and brainless, yet visceral and visually spectacular "300" was? This was pretty much on the same level, except dumbed down even more. I didn't know it was based on a video until I saw it in the opening credits but it makes perfect sense afterwards, with the plot (or lack thereof) and character development (ditto) being what it was. One of the redeeming values of "XXX" was the it didn't take itself seriously at all, but "Hitman" tries to take itself somewhat seriously, which for me, made it even more entertaining, in that it was ripe for unintentional comedy. (Then again, I'm easily amused.)

The plot is decent enough, Timothy Olyphant (his parents must have been Hobbits or something) is just icy enough as the hitman and Dougray Scott is solid as the cop tracking him down. But I have to admit, I enjoyed watching the lovely smokin' hot Olga Kurylenko, who seems to have trouble keeping her clothes on. And when clothed, can't seem to find anything that isn't transparent. The action scenes are all nicely choreographed, and there's a couple of parts where I laughed even though that's probably not what the filmmakers intended.

We're not talking "Citizen Cane" here. But if you had a long week and want to fantasize about being putting a hit out some bad people, you could do a lot worse than "Hitman."

Labels: boobs, guns, movie, NaBloPoMo, reviews

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 10:45 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: I am Beowulf! ::

I had the night off and after a long week, I unwound by going to watch "Beowulf" this afternoon. I was going to write up my own review of this movie but I ran across another review written by NY Post writer Kyle Smith that you can read here. I normally wouldn't care too much about a critic's writing style but this particular review made me laugh out loud.

When talking about the look of the film he writes:

"The effect is strange: the fantasy factor is less than it is in pure animation, while the human factor is less than it is in live action. Actors’ eyes turn into glassy beads and their skin becomes soft plastic; if the Pillsbury Dough Boy showed up on screen, he’d fit right in. Someone would give him a shield and a mace, tell him to lose a few pounds and send him into the action."

He likes the movie but there are parts where it takes itself so seriously that you kinda have to alleviate it with humor.

"Up pops Beowulf (Ray Winstone? Really, Ray Winstone?) from across the sea primeval. With long, straight blond hair and a headband, he seems like Bjornborgowulf, but this is one Scandinavian who isn’t content to have a killer forehand. “I’m Beowulf,” he declares. “I’m here to kill your monster.” And quaff your drink and swive your wenches, please. The queen (Robin Wright Penn) frostily notifies Beowulf that “There have been many brave men who have come to taste my lord’s mead,” at which point the newcomer must be wondering if he has stumbled into Ye Olde Gay Scene."

Maybe because I know what mead is (honey wine) I thought that line was funny in a "Beavis and Butthead in College" sort of way. I did laugh somewhat but there a few guys behind me that found it hysterical. Unintentional humor litter the plot while intended humor is few and far between. But this is supposed to be an adult fantasy story and for the most part, perhaps becasue the didn't dumb it down for the masses too much, it stays entertaining all the way through. The digital paint-over look of the film is distracting for the first five minutes or so but once the movie gets going (especially the battle scenes) you'll see why they chose this method of filming.

It'll probably be most compared to "300" and while it may not be quite as visceral as that Greek pickle farm, it's still a very entertaining movie. Don't be afraid to laugh out loud.

Labels: boobs, movie, NaBloPoMo, reviews

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:37 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Pirates!!! ::

I had a Friday night off so I went to see "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End." This isn't a traditional review in that I'll pore over minute details of the movie. Instead, I have to point out the virtue of cargo pants.

Let me explain.

I saw an early screening but to make it to the last 3:00 matinee, I missed lunch. I could have gotten some food at the theater, but I'm not big on popcorn and I don't like spending $5 on a hotdog and $6 on nachos (even though I love them despite the fact that the stale chips are accompanied by a goopy, yellow, cheese-like paste - you'll never convince me that there's any actual cheese in there - they're freakishly enjoyable if you toss in a few jalapenos). There's a McDonald's on the way and I stopped by beforehand, and thanks to the cargo pants, I snuck in two double bacon cheeseburgers and some fries, and no grease splatter or runaway condiments ruined my pants.

Back to the movie. If you like the first two "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies, you'll more than likely enjoy "World's End." Not to say it didn't have its problems: like many trilogies, the 3rd movie is usually the weakest (Return of the Jedi, Alien 3, The Godfather III) this was no exception. There's plot holes Barry Bonds could poke his head through, several underdeveloped characters and a couple of moments where you find yourself saying "wait, that's it?" However, Johnny Depp is still great as Captain Jack Sparrow, Legolas and the Skinny British Chick are good eye candy, and the special effects are really cool. It was almost three hours but it goes by fast. Overall it's an entertaining diversion if you have three hours to kill.

Word of note, it is a three hour movie so be sure to drain your bladder. Also, if you have craving for some rum after watching this movie, go out and buy a jug of this stuff. I have a bottle at home and it's phenomenal.

Labels: alkie, drinking, movie, reviews, rum

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:57 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: 300 ::

Long time ago, in a gala...er... country far, far away, there was a group of overly militant Greeks that lived under constant threat of being invaded by the Persian Army. (Or something to that effect.) They lived under a perpetually cloudy sepia-colored sky, amid sepia-colored wheat fields, in homes made of sepia-tinged stones, in weather so warm that men walked around in Speedo-precursors despite the fact they rarely went swimming since the ocean (also sepia-colored) was days away by foot.

Yes, I'm talking about the movie "300." It's a movie I thoroughly enjoyed. It wasn't the gore (not really that heavy compared to, say, "Braveheart"), or the slow-motion action scenes (very cool, but all the "Matrix" movies did it better), or even the cheesy-yet-chill-inducing-one-liners ("Then we will fight in the shade."). And it didn't bother me at all that the movie was simultaneously homoerotic (apparently, all Greeks males were Bowflex-using steroid freaks that liked to walk around in little more than fabulous red capes and tiny leather man-briefs, all the while being disturbingly hairless) and homophobic (Leonidas calls the Arcadias "philosophers and boy-lovers," and really, who likes those fey-sounding philosophers? And you can't honestly tell me that RuPaul wasn't having the time of his - her? - life playing the god-wannabe-dictator Xerxes - who by the way, is adorned by jewelry so ridiculously elaborate and unabashedly gaudy that B.A. Baracas from the A-Team is seething with envy. Not only that but he has eyebrows so perfectly tweezed that the girl I saw it with wondered who performed the waxing. Oh, and he's asking everyone to kneel before him. Interpret that as you wish.)

If you haven't seen this yet, forget any historical facts you might know about the Battle of Thermopylae. This is a painstakingly recreated celluloid visualization of a graphic novel (i.e. 'comic book' for you neophytes of geek etymology) as envisioned by Frank Miller. And that's why I love this movie. It's a movie that isn't afraid of the fact that movies, far beyond any other purpose, is meant to be a form of entertainment. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good movie that's serious (Zodiac), thought provoking (Children of Men), or even forces us to re-examine ourselves (Blood Diamond), but I also love a movie where everyone involved, from the directors to the actors, knows that they're making a movie for the sole purpose of being entertaining.

I've read reviews where critics try to interpret this movie as a metaphor of the misguided war in Iraq, or even macho white guys beating the crap out of faggoty Middle Easterners. Whatever. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and in this case, a codpiece is just a codpiece.

Forget about historical accuracy, fundamentally sound acting techniques (Gerard Butler screams almost all his lines; after a while I wanted to scream back "we can hear you, already!! Shut up!") or life-like characters that we can relate to, then don't see this movie. But if you can appreciate a movie for just wanting to be a movie, nothing more nothing less, then run to a theater now and see this spectacle.

A co-worker, gay one at that, told me that he didn't want to see it because it looked brainless and too simple. I wanted to kick him into the deep fryer and yell "this... is... SPARTA!!!"

Labels: 300, movie, reviews

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:47 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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