:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

Thoughts, observations, and introspections from an art student waiter/bartender in South Beach. Arcane humor ensues.
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:: Sunday, September 28, 2008 ::

:: Carb Overload ::
Working in a restaurant, whether you're a chef, dishwasher, or waiter means you're always around food. Most places let the Front of the House (FOH) staff munch on some bread or salad or any leftover prepped items if we get hungry before, during, and after a shift. That free bread you enjoy at many restaurants has satiated many mid-shift hunger pangs.

It's great and all if you're hungry at 9:30 and you have two more hours to go before closing but it's not hard to overdo it, such as my case.

The Steakhouse has garlic bread on the menu that's just amazing. It's garlic, parmesan, truffle butter and white truffle oil baked on a ciabatta bread and there's always a few pieces floating around the line and left over at the end of the night.

We also have a wild mushroom risotto (this steakhouse has a strong Italian influence) that's awesome. Since I'm one of the few waiters that don't give the cooks a hard time, they usually ask me if I'd like a plate of risotto when we close. Of course I say yes.

(It's crucial to get on the cook's good side. It helps that if I have a customer that doesn't finish a bottle of wine, I get fresh glasses and treat the chef to a drink.)

They also provide a pre-shift family meal. Sometimes it's hot dogs. Other times, they make ribs with black beans and rice or spaghetti and meatballs.

Another thing that doesn't help is all the available dry good available in the back. The chef isn't so anal about inventory that he'll freak if I take home some peppercorns for my grinder (I go through a lot of pepper and I haven't had to buy any since I started working here). Just the other week, I wanted to cook my coriander-crusted red snapper with a tequila-lime cream sauce. One problem: I was out of coriander. I asked one of the cooks if they had any in the back, which they did, which I ground up that night and enjoyed a nice dinner.

I've also taken home some Old Bay, fennel, ancho chile powder, and some of that killer truffle oil, among other things.

(I'm not stealing from the company or anything. This is almost the same thing as working in an office and "borrowing" a stack of post-its or some paper clips. It's not like I tried to sneak a ribeye out of there.)

Combine all these factors and you can see now why I've gained about 8 pounds since I started my job at the Steakhouse. Trying to lose that weight working as a waiter is like trying to quit a cocaine habit by moving to Miami. (Not that I know anything about that.)

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:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 7:34 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Tuesday, September 23, 2008 ::
:: 5 Years ::
As of today, it's been five years since I moved to Miami.

So much has changed. Yet so much remains the same.

I've learned so much, especially that I have so much more yet to learn.

I'm a little different from what I used to be but... oh good God I need to stop before I keep writing these banal, hackneyed cliches.

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:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:51 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Tuesday, September 16, 2008 ::
:: Football Pool ::
Even though I haven't been posting my weekly football picks on my blog, I'm still doing it for the "office" pool at the Steakhouse. Two weeks into this already interesting season, I've won two in a row.

Now, I'm not some Football Picks Genius or anything. It's more a reflection of the talent (or lack thereof) I'm going up against. And just plain dumb luck. Last week I went 12-4 and won easily despite picking Oakland to win. Yeah.

This week was a bit more touch and go. Out of the eight early games, I only picked four correctly (Minnesota, New Orleans, you're dead to me). I thought I was out right then and there and didn't really pay attention to the rest of the scores with much interest. Except somehow my SanFran 49ers (pulled out a win against Seattle, a pick no one else made. I went six for six in the afternoon games.

(It wasn't just luck. I picked my 49ers because I honestly thought Seattle was terrible and our defense is underrated and... Who am I kidding. We beat a crappy team by three points in overtime. It was sheer, blind, stupid luck.)

I found out that the pool came down a bartender and me. I like the guy but I really wanted, needed, to beat this guy because he knows absolutely nothing about football. He's one of the guys who thinks soccer is mistakenly called football (foreigners are so cute when they do that). And I could not let this guy beat me. To win I needed Dallas to win and I need the total points to close to 64 (he guessed 25).

No problem. I anticipated a high-scoring shootout. I just need Dallas to win. What killed me is that I had to, for a few hours, root for the fucking Cowboys. And for Terrell Owens. If you've read my blog for a few years, you know how much animosity I have for that idiot. No problem, I was working anyway, and we were lucky to be busy enough that I didn't have to stand around and watch the game. Thanks to a few bonehead plays by Philly, the Cowgirls pulled out a win. Sweet.

Let's see now if I can go three for three.

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:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 12:08 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Wednesday, September 10, 2008 ::
:: Like Fine Wine ::
It's the dog days of summer for service industry employees in Miami, tourists being few and far between due to humid weather and the threat of hurricanes (something the University of Miami football team didn't heed... had to throw that in). There's a lot of standing around waiting for our first customer to come in so we have plenty of time for small talk and I've used it get to know my new co-workers.

There's only one female waiter but she's treated as one of the guys since she does her job better than many of them. That she's married with a 3-year old kid probably helps keeps the most of us at a distance. Of course, guys being guys, when she's not around, talk occasionally devolves into her being a MILF. It helps that she's friendly, works hard, has a great smile, and for my benefit, wears a nice pair of glasses. Don't ask me why but I like a girl who can look good wearing glasses. Yes, we've already brought up the "Latin Sarah Palin" comparisons.

(And politics aside, Governor Palin is undeniably attractive. And not just because she looks great with glasses. Total MILF soon-to-be GILF. And personally I'd love to gerrymander her constituency... if you know what I mean. That joke would work better if she were a congresswoman but, whatever.)

(Okay, back to the post.)

We were discussing the wine list and other things. I found out she's going to be 30 soon (no I didn't ask her age, I'm not that stupid). "You shouldn't worry. You could still pass for 25." Of course that comment made her happy but only temporarily.

"Think of it this way: we have stuff behind the bar that's older than you." She laughed. I couldn't tell you what made me think of comparing a woman's age to that of a spirit but it still made sense. To me anyway. Sort of. I point to a bottle of 30-year-old Tawny Port Wine. "That bottle of Port over there is still older than you are. So you're okay."

She's still laughing. "That makes me feel better. Thanks"

"You're welcome. Although that port probably tastes better."

"What?"

"Nothing."

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:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 10:20 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Saturday, September 06, 2008 ::
:: Server Stories: Bottle Service ::
Maybe it's because I'm not a clubber and don't earn a six-figure salary but I think bottle service is a huge waste of money. $240 on a bottle of vodka that I can get for $26 at the liquor store? No thanks, even if I'm splitting between six people.

But if you're with friends and you plan on getting drunk it sort of makes sense. For example, a shot of top-shelf vodka would cost you about $15 at your average South Beach club or restaurant. A martini upcharge is usually around $2. Inebriation usually takes place around the third to fifth shot, depending on your tolerance (and if you're doing other drugs). That's anywhere from $45 to $60 not including tip. But if you're with other vodka drinkers, it'll probably cost less per person and the 1 liter bottle will probably provide a bit more booze overall.

As a waiter, cocktail server, or bartender, you love to sell this because once you set up the person with the bottle, ice, and mixers (juice, soda, coke, etc.) your job is pretty much done since it's up to the customer to pour themselves a glass with however much ice and mixers as they see fit.

I sold my first bottle - Johnnie Walker Black Label - last night to an eight top of hip, young Latins on top of the all the food they ordered. Working at a pool house (where the night's tips are collected into a pool and distributed proportionately among the floor staff), everyone else was giving me high fives or "good job" slaps on the back.

Now, JW Black is a scotch I enjoy quite a bit and being a drunk connoisseur fanatic, I drink whiskey neat, in a snifter with nothing but a few drops of water, or at most a couple of ice cubes. So I shook my head when I saw that these guys were filling their tumblers to the brim with ice, and then watering it down with, well, water. But hey, if you want to overpay for a good scotch only to dilute it to a bland, savorless liquid, that's your business.

How much exactly? $275, not including tax and tip. Last weekend I paid $28 for my bottle. Granted, they drank a 1-liter bottle while mine was a mere 750ml. But at least I don't have to share mine with five other guys.

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:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:12 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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