:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Pirates!!! ::

I had a Friday night off so I went to see "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End." This isn't a traditional review in that I'll pore over minute details of the movie. Instead, I have to point out the virtue of cargo pants.

Let me explain.

I saw an early screening but to make it to the last 3:00 matinee, I missed lunch. I could have gotten some food at the theater, but I'm not big on popcorn and I don't like spending $5 on a hotdog and $6 on nachos (even though I love them despite the fact that the stale chips are accompanied by a goopy, yellow, cheese-like paste - you'll never convince me that there's any actual cheese in there - they're freakishly enjoyable if you toss in a few jalapenos). There's a McDonald's on the way and I stopped by beforehand, and thanks to the cargo pants, I snuck in two double bacon cheeseburgers and some fries, and no grease splatter or runaway condiments ruined my pants.

Back to the movie. If you like the first two "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies, you'll more than likely enjoy "World's End." Not to say it didn't have its problems: like many trilogies, the 3rd movie is usually the weakest (Return of the Jedi, Alien 3, The Godfather III) this was no exception. There's plot holes Barry Bonds could poke his head through, several underdeveloped characters and a couple of moments where you find yourself saying "wait, that's it?" However, Johnny Depp is still great as Captain Jack Sparrow, Legolas and the Skinny British Chick are good eye candy, and the special effects are really cool. It was almost three hours but it goes by fast. Overall it's an entertaining diversion if you have three hours to kill.

Word of note, it is a three hour movie so be sure to drain your bladder. Also, if you have craving for some rum after watching this movie, go out and buy a jug of this stuff. I have a bottle at home and it's phenomenal.

Labels: alkie, drinking, movie, reviews, rum

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:57 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Server Stories: Age Gap ::

I've been on a Led Zeppelin kick lately and being the type that whistles while I work (literally), I've been whistling everything from "Since I've been Loving You" to "Achilles' Last Stand." Last night, while folding napkins after the restaurant closed, I started singing "Immigrant Song." The bartender, a guy about my age, starts singing along, and we start getting loud at the chorus, where Robert Plant shrieks "ahh ahh aaahhhhhhhhhh AH!" (Yes, I can hit those notes. No it doesn't sound nearly as good.)

Anyway, Melinda, our 24 year old co-worker, hears us and asks - innocently and earnestly - "is that the song from Shrek the 3rd?"

Oh good God.

Labels: I'm getting old, Led Zeppelin, music, server stories

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:10 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Round ::

In regards to that post about my, uh, big ass, it wasn't so much that I don't know that I have a round ass. It's just always gonna be awkward when a straight guy comments on another straight guy's ass. I'm just saying. (If we're playing football and I score a touchdown, go ahead and smack my ass, I don't care. Complimenting another guy's arms at the gym is also perfectly okay. But commenting on another dude's ass? Hell no. Go fag out on your own time.) A couple of women that I work with have made comments about my ass being kinda round, as well as quite firm. (We're not sleeping with each other or anything, we were playing grab-ass during a slow shift...this is one of many retarded things waiters do when they're bored.)

I've always had a thick lower body (27" thighs and 18" calves), probably from being a chunky kid that liked to run around and play a lot of sports, as well as eat a lot. When I owned a gym membership I always worked out my legs more than anything else since the legs are the source of power and speed for the sports that I liked to play. (Most guys who are 5'10" and 210 lbs. don't look anything like me unless they played football.) That helped my legs develop and all but as for my ass, I don't know, maybe it's due to my age or, the regular stair running I used to do.

I mean, it's not disproportionately huge, like J-Lo's ass on Kate Moss' body or anything, but it definitely caught me off guard a few months ago when I was at Target buying pants. If you're wonder how something like that could go without notice, I don't buy clothes often and when I do, I usually just try it on just to make sure it fits ok. But this dressing room had a three-way mirror (which I hadn't seen in over a year, no joke) and I noticed in one of the side panels that my ass seemed a bit more round than I thought it was. Did it really get bigger? Or did I lose weight everywhere else but there?

Who knows. I don't really care actually. Living in Miami, it's actually okay, especially if you're a chick, to have a big ass. And here, being considered "thick" isn't a pejorative. (Thank Jennifer Lopez and Vida Guerra). I know many guys that like a girl with a round ass (I happen to be one of them). Of course, now I'm wondering if women look at a guy's ass the same way.

Whatever, I don't really care. I just wanted to see how many times I could write "ass" in one post.

Labels: big ass

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:21 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: I Love Baseball ::

If you'd like to see an early nominee for Sports Headline of the Year, check this out. Yeah, I laughed for a solid minute or so when I read it.

(By the way, I graduated high school in 1992.)

I'm also linking to this great blog written by Alyssa Milano. (Yeah, that one.) I'm not just linking to her because she's hot (honest), not because she's some trendy L.A. girl that loves the local teams (she isn't, not that there's anything wrong with that), or even that she's obviously a diehard Dodger fan that inherited her fandom from her father (ok, maybe a little), but because this chick obviously loves baseball. (That and I've had a small crush on her ever since my balls dropped - so it's been at least five years - I'm a late bloomer - but whatever.)

While I'm not surprised to discover that she's a Dodger fan, I'm almost shocked at her insightful commentary, ("...I love that Brady Clark can come off the bench and hit like he's been playing every day. But...why was Lieberthal batting cleanup? Is that some Moneyball thing?" And there's also "Love it or hate it, this is our team. Our outfield, our manager, our LOB #’s, our lack of power. It’s all ours.") tormented-fan griping ("...Base running fundamentals? What’s going on with our base running? ...To anyone that was watching on TV -- did Nomar look safe trying to steal second? He looked safe to me from the stands. ...Power bat please? ...Anyone else stressed right now?") and glorious SanFran Giants-bashing ("Anyone else naively think last night's game was a shoe-in because the Gnats sat Vizquel, Roberts and Klesko? I know I did." And "Hi. Wow. Okay. Last night, I threw up in my mouth a little when Bonds hit that home run.") She calls them the "Gnats." That's so adorably awesome, I could eat her out. Up. I meant up. Let's move on.

And I love her unique, woman's perspective on being a long-suffering Dodger fan ("It's easy for even the most optimistic to get negative after watching yesterday's game, to see the specific flaws instead of the whole picture [kind of like when you look in the mirror and only see the zit on your chin even though it takes up a miniscule part of your whole freaking face]. But I am going to make a conscious decision to stay positive, at least for the time being...") It's been a good fourteen years or so since I stopped worrying about my complexion so while I've also noticed those flaws, it's amusing to read how a flawed lineup is analagous to a zit on a woman's face.

Oh, and then there's this photo.

Labels: Alyssa Milano, baseball, blogs, Dodgers, funny words, girls, humor

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 6:17 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Big Ass ::

I went to my usual Wednesday night tennis but instead of the usual clinic, there was a mixup with the available pros so I took a private clinic instead. We were standing around chatting afterwards and I asked him where I needed to improve.

"Your groundstrokes are fine. You just need to improve your conditioning and you'll be fine."

"Okay."

"You have those big legs so you move really well but you start dragging your feet when you get tired."

"Yeah."

"And work on your serve." "Well, yeah." "But your forehand and backhand are some of the most fundamentally sound that I've ever seen." "Cool, thanks."

"And not to sound like a homo but you also have the biggest ass I've ever seen."

Wha-huh?

"You ever play soccer?" "Not really." (Being a goalie doesn't really count, I don't think.) "Football?" (Did it just get uncomfortable here or is it just me?) "Why do you ask?"

"Just curious. You're built like a football player."

"Yeah, I get that a lot (I do). Anyway, I gotta get going."

That was just awkward. It's one thing if guys compliment your biceps or your abs, and I've had random guys come up to me and ask me how my legs got so big back when I owned a gym membership and that was fine. It's even okay if your play on a sports team and your teammates slap your ass after a good play. But that's the first time a guy ever said anything about my ass being big - at least one that wasn't gay - and I'm pretty sure there's some unwritten Man Law against doing things like that.

I don't have a complex about having a big ass (or, at least I didn't) but that was just weird.

Labels: big ass, tennis

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 9:34 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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