:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Photo Blog I ::

My girlfriend has a thing for the zoo so one of the first things she did after coming back to Miami was get an annual pass at the Parrot Jungle. (You have to like a girl who's so easily entertained.) She thinks I should start a separate photo blog and while I might eventually, for now I'm just gonna post a few photos I took over a couple of visits.

You can click on the pictures to see them full-size.




















Parrot acrobatics.




























Go Bruins! Sorta.



















Look at those great colors. You just know it's gay.






































Yes, I am pretty. You have persmission to admire me. *strut*















































'Ow yoo doin'?



















Parrots making out.
























































"Hey, you want the top bunk?" "Nah, I'm good down here."




























The billy goat version of rasslin'.



















Little guy chewing on my girlfriend's pants. He stopped once I kicked him. I'm kidding. (He kept chewing.)





























































































She's just like a big house cat. With huge claws and fangs. And she can disembowel you in your sleep or eat you alive. But other than that, she's just a big house cat.






































An albino alligator. (Or, the one thing in American that's whiter than Conan O'Brien.)



















Look into my eyes... you are getting sleepy... you will help me escape this dump... and then you're gonna be my lunch... hey! Wait! Where you going? Come back... shit.



















The largest living crocodile (they called it their "Crocosaurus") in captivity. It's 21 feet long and weighs over a ton. Which is still lighter than John Goodman.



















Just an incredible beast - not unlike Reggie Bush - to look at, especially when he's up against the glass and you can see him up close. After walking around for a while, we sat right next to him to rest.



















My girl asked me "what do you suppose he's thinking right now?" I replied "he's probably thinking 'if it wasn't for this glass I'd be chewing on your leg right now, you walking doggie bag.'" This was taken after we've been sitting there for a while. I think the croc got tired of looking at us and went to face the other side of the tank. This is a shot of its tail sticking out of the water.



















Not something you wanna see while you're swimming at night.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 4:09 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Umm, "slightly?" ::

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 4:20 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Black Tuesday ::

So indulge me for a moment as I'm now one of the many people inundating the blogosphere with a "Valentine's Day sucks goat 'nads" post. Actually, it's not really about that as much as it's a "this is going to be my first Valentine's Day - sorta - and I have no fucking clue as to what the hell I'm supposed to do" post.

If you're wondering how it is a 31 year old guy has never celebrated V-day, it's quite simple. I have a severe allergy to long-term relationships and even my one relationship that lasted over a year was an on-and-off thing and one of those "off" moments happened during the months of December through February. So not only did I not have to do anything for her on V-day, I didn't have to blow Christmas money on her either. You'd almost think I planned it. (Her birthday was in January so I dodged that arrow, too. Seriously, not only was she materialistic and high-maintenance, she has the worst three-month block of significant dates that could put a crippling dent in a guy's wallet rivaled only by the burden of buying an engagement ring. I feel sorry for whatever poor sap she's exploiting, er... dating, right now. The fact that I asked her out around March could have proven fatal. God forbid she gets married in either March or November. Or maybe she's probably grown up a little since then. Eh, probably not. Sorry, I'm babbling again.)

(Speaking which, My Girl and I got together in January AND her birthday is in February, two weeks before Black Tuesday. I should just join a Monastery, take a vow of poverty and at least make it official. At least they get to brew their own beer. Or the ones in Belgium do, anyway. Or maybe I should start selling ad space on my blog so I can round up some rent money. Does anyone want a free iPod? Or a discount on perscription? Or a bigger penis? Umm, me neither. Ok, digression over.)

Now, lucky for me, she's incredibly low-maintenance in the sense that I don't actually have to spend a lot of money on her to make her happy. (Which isn't to say she isn't high maintenance in other ways. She requires a lot of attention - she actually said this to me the other night after a long day: "dude, get your ass over here and tuck me into bed NOW." I'm not even kidding.) Her favorite restaurant is the International House of Pancakes, for crying out loud. (And they really are quite international aren't they? Every time I walk in, I'm just blown away by the grand international decor, their incredibly diverse menu items - they have a Ceasar Salad! - and the incredibly helpful waitress/syrup sommelier helping me out with the restaurant's syrup selection: "sir, you must try the classic maple syrup today. It's fruity, but never precocious.")

She insists that I not spend a lot of money on her (I've had girls tell me this sort of crap before but they've never, you know, meant it) and she seems to be a rare type of girl that's happy as long as we're in each other's presence, regardless of whatever we're doing. Whether it's watching a movie, yelling at the TV during a football game, or something mundane like grocery shopping.

Still, I wanna do something nice. We're both working tomorrow, thank goodness (she's also a server/student) so I won't have to pay those ridiculously jacked-up prices at restaurants (I merely get to charge and get tipped for them) since we'll be doing our thing a few days after. It certainly beats my normal routine of griping about the manufactured nature of this bullshit holiday the preceding week, after which the actual evening is spend defiantly alone at a Starbucks with a mocha and a very good book. Not to say that this year will be much different. I've still spent the early last week griping about Black Tuesday (because really, it's a lot of fun) and I'll be serving deluded couples instead but there's a small part of me that really wants to do something.

I'll probably end up cooking for her. Not that it's anything special since it's something I've done for her previously and cooking is something I just enjoy anyway. And it's not like, gay or anything if a guy likes to cook for his girl and since it's supposed to be a V-day thing for her, she'll really like it even though it's just another evening at the stove for me (I'm starting to wonder now if this post even has a point any more). A buddy from work who just got engaged (to a girl) and I talked about how cooking is fun and relaxing for us. Like the last time I cooked fajitas for my Girl; just fire up the stove and put on some blues and I'm good. And it even works out because I'm dating one of those freaks who like cleaning and organizing so even though I try to tell her not to, she seems to enjoy cleaning up after me so after we're doing eating, she can do the dishes. It's a perfect match. (And I've clearly forgotten what this post was supposed to be about.)

(And I don't care what anyone says, typing parenthetically is fun.)

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:47 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Testosterone-y. The other San Francisco Treat. ::

I remember reading this one study that claims that once men enter long-term relationships or get married, their facial (among others) hair grows at a faster rate than men who are still single. Possibly due to the male body sensing the close proximity of female hormones, some sort of chemical change or imbalance caused by a different mental state when a man enters a relationship (technical term being "whipped"), or quite possibly result of razor-producing companies being in cohorts with food growers to add stuff into food products that women force upon men (crap like yogurt, fruit, cottage cheese) that contain some hormone to cause accelerated hair growth. (I may be fabricating that last one). I mention this for a few reasons:

- I hate shaving.

- After years and years of two blades, the world almost came to an end when Gillette came out with that Mach 3 razor. Yet it wasn't long before someone came out a four-blade razor. I casually joked to a friend that by 2009 we're going to be shaving with a 9-blade razor on an inch and a half wide head that guarantees to remove all your hair, and the top layer of your epidermis, with only one stroke. Maybe even smooth out the acne scarring from your teen years in the process. And instead of replacement cartridges, these high-tech blades are constructed in regenerative layers so every time one breaks off, a new one rises to take its place. Just like a shark's tooth. (Sorry, I'm rambling again.)

Now Gillette has come out with their new "Fusion" razor that has a grand total of six (6!) blades. There are five on the front side (if only Seattle's front five was this sharp. Sorry, didn't mean to gloat) and one blade on the reverse edge that serves as a "precision trimmer" for shaped facial hair, sideburns, and self-defense against ninjas. Now let me ask you guys: is there anyone out there right now looking at their three or four blade razor and thinking to themselves "this razor works okay but dude, if I just had a couple more blades my life would be complete!" And from the way their commercials are carrying on, it's almost like some dude from the future came back to present with this great and life-changing new grooming tool.

(And you know it's only a matter of time before they release a version of this for women where they can use the "precision trimmer" for say, I don't know, shaping a landing strip, arrow, a heart, or even a Zodiac symbol. Not that I'd know anything about such things.)

Along with the accelerated beard growth, I've noticed other sorts of changed behavior caused by my testosterone-induced haze:

- I'm extremely protective of My Girl(friend): During a trip to a zoo, I almost killed a parrot for biting her finger so hard that it actually bent her thumb ring. I'm pretty sure I would have had just cause.

- I get mild cases of road rage: This may be partly due to the fact that South Florida has the stupidest group of drivers outside of Asia but still. I honestly never yelled at a guy in traffic before last week (he totally cut me off and still had the temerity honk at me). I mean, it's only thing to call a guy an asshole while your windows are rolled up and he's a few car-lengths away but we were at a red, his car was right in front of mine, my windows were down and the sunroof was open. And my voice is loud enough that not only did he hear me, I scared the crap out of the guy walking on the sidewalk.

- I try to make myself better: you know the usual guy stuff. Improve myself by trying to be attentive to her needs, get myself in better shape, be a better provider (even though she's going to be a doctor and will eventually make more in one year than I will in the next decade, such that if we're stil together then, I'll be relegated to being one of her cabana boys), improve both my grooming and hygiene...

- ... And yet I can be a complete slob sometimes: I was always a bit cluttered before but she has this incurable desire to clean up after me (despite my repeated protests). Not only that, she doesn't care if I burp, fart or scratch myself around her so sometimes tend to carry on like no one else is around. You guys know what I'm talking about, right? (Umm, me neither.)

- In some ways, I'm completely whipped: As if it's a subconscious need to balance out the testosterone, I not only want to do stuff for her, I enjoy doing things for her. I get a kick out of doing stuff like cooking for her, tucking her into bed, running my fingers through her hair, and staring into her big blue eyes. And I love it when she puts her head on my shoulder.

And the best part is, she a cool enough chick that she takes everything in stride and is completely willing to put up with some of my quirkier oddities (or is that odder quirks? Never mind).

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:10 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Not-Quite Random Thoughts on Super Bowl XL ::

I found it odd during the last couple of weeks how no one seems really excited about this year's Super Bowl. Steelers fans are nationwide and the two or three Seahawks diehards I've run over across (in my lifetime) I haven't, at least in Miami, seen that much enthusiasm. Granted there will always be the group of guys who just see this as an excuse to get together and gorge themselves on nachos and beer and act like mouth-breathing jackasses (most other times, they're merely mouth-breathers) who are excited about this. There are also people from my school who are excited about the Super Bowl, but they're ad geeks who are more interested in the commercials and the free pizza and beer the school provides than anything else. Part of this is because the school is populated by girls, gays, and guys from Europe and Latin American who mistakenly think "football" is something played with a round ball.

Then there are the few fans of football who are excited just to watch a good game of football. I fall into this category (never mind that I'm being forced to work against my will tomorrow during the game, but whatever. I need something to write about and my 12 readers need something to pass time.)

I know I'm becoming more redundant than Skip Bayless on thorazine by deriding the Seahawks yet again but I'll continue to do so until they walk off the field tomorrow with their heads hanging in defeat and Shaun Alexander's legs in pieces. Just so we're clear, I don't hate Seattle (never been there) and I don't hate the team as much as I hate the Rams, Cowboys or Raiders. What I hate most is the idea of the Seahawks winning it all. And really, any Seattle fan who reads this should be appreciative of the fact that I'm literally the one person outside of the state of Washington (other than the aforementioned Mr. Bayless) to care either way.

No one really cares about the Game itself since Pittsburg and Seattle weren't supposed to be here. It was finally Peyton Manning's turn in the Super Bowl but he just tried to do too much and came up too little. No one thought the 'Hawks would represent since everyone expected - and hoped for - another epic season-ending meltdown, and they played in a division so weak my high school football team could have won four games (a team that won a grand total of TWO games in three years).

Anyway, here's a few other things worth mentioning about Super Bowl XL:

This may or may not have anything to do with it but I sometimes wonder if the only reason the Steelers are favored is because the Seahawks have horrid uniforms. I'm convinced that this is why Coach Bill Cowher chose to wear road whites for The Game. For no other reason than to make Seattle wear their horrible blue on blue home unis.

Also, I'm sure he noticed that teams designated as "road" teams are 21-18 in the Super Bowl

I've been mocked for constantly declaring Shaun Alexander to be the most overrated running back for no other reason than I hate the Seahawks. Untrue. I'm not so blindingly filled with animosity towards any team that I can't respect, or even like, a player on that team (Barry Bonds is a whole other story). I always had a respect and admiration for Troy Aikman and Emmitt Smith during the Cowboys heyday (though stories of Michael Irvin getting caught with crack would make me giggle) and I thought that Tim Brown of Oakland was greatly underappriciated. And I'm telling you right now that while Alexander might be league MVP, he isn't even the MVP on his own team. That distinction belongs to Matt Hasselbeck.

It's been established that Alexander winning MVP was a bigger farce than A-Rod getting an MVP while in Texas or Jeter winning a Gold Glove. Any true Seattle fan will tell you that he's at best fourth most valuable on that team behind Hasselbeck, Walter Jones, and Steve Hutchinson. Jones and Hutchinson are guys that play on the offensive line and these guys are adored in Seattle like they're Eddie Vedder. Let me put it this way: guys who play the O-line are like bass players on in a rock band. Other than John Entwistle and Stu Hamm can anyone name a famous bass player? Can anyone name the bassist for halftime act Rolling Stones? (Bill Wyman.) On the Rock Star hierarchy, bass players usually get the sloppy seconds. Groupies have sex with the bass player because he vaguely resembles a guy they saw on stage and also because someone else is already doing the lead singer and the drummer and the guitarist is passed out from snorting too much blow. And yet, Jones and Hutchinson are treated like they're Trent Reznor and Chris Cornell. Don't even try to tell me Alexander isn't overrated.

Speaking of the Stones, I love them. I really do. I'm glad they're performing at halftime. But don't even try to to tell me that they're even half as good as they were even ten years ago. I think we're finally gonna just how old everyone has gotten. It's almost like they've become a cover band of themselves. But I do love them and listen to them regularly.

Last point: Did anyone forget that in the last two seasons, Pittsburg has 26 wins against 2 losses in games not started by Charlie Batch and Tommy Maddox?

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 4:06 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Random Thoughts: Super Bowl XL Edition ::

This being a long-overdue Random Thoughts post - and really, just long overdue - it may go on a little longer, an XL-sized post if you will. And that'll be my only use of the "XL" wordplay. I promise.

• The biggest story of the past few weeks is about Jerome "The Bus" Bettis' homecoming. Everyone loves a rags-to-riches, pulled-himself-out-of-abject-poverty, he-grew-up-in-Detroit-isn't-that-suffering-enough type story. Mix that in with a Hall of Fame-worthy career, his very first Super Bowl, which coincides with what's going to be his last game ever. Add in that he's also one of the genuine good guys; classy, great sportsmanship, extremely accessible and affable, strong presence in the community, and highly respected around the NFL. To top it all off he's a big, jolly fat guy. And who doesn't love a big, jolly fat guy?

• Right across the Detroit River is Canada (out 51st state) and it's common knowledge that prostitution is legal there. Knowing that, it kinda puzzles me that the Minnesota Vikings didn't pull out all the stops - trades, different coaches, bribery - to try to make it to the Super Bowl. Did I mention that the legal drinking age is 19?

• Right now, a lot of sportswriters are essentially a group of lemmings writing emotional pieces or creating overproduced TV documentaries about The Bus and his family and how his mom never missed any of his NFL games (ever!) that it's become the latest thing for sportswriters to either deride or parody. Except now there are so many parodies that the guys who do the parodies have now become lemmings themselves. I really wanted to do this sooner so I could be the first of the lemmings calling out the lemmings who are calling out the lemmings.

• I love the Rolling Stones but since the Super Bowl is in Detroit, couldn't they get a local band instead? How about something representing Motown? Was Ted Nugent not available? You just know that the Motor City Madman performing "Fred Bear" and "Stranglehold" during halftime would kick so much ass. Still, I'm just happy with didn't bring back that chick from England that performed last year.

• I'm rooting for Pittsburg. Partly because I'm a big fan of The Bus, whose career I've been following since the (then Los Angeles) Rams drafted him in 1993 and partly because I've always liked the blue-collar mentality of the Pittsburg Steelers organization. But I also really, desperately want the Seattle Seahawks to lose. Let me explain: Ever since the realignment and the Seahawks were moved into the same division as my SanFran 49ers, I always saw them with a detached, pitying amusement the same way Chevy and Ford used to view Dodge before Dodge released the square-jawed Ram truck and scared the crap out of everyone on the road. They had a long, storied history of futility and I never really considered them a threat to do anything with my Niners and the St. Louis Rams (our main rival) being the division powerhouses. Except now those two teams suck and the 'Hawks are finally playing the Super Bowl. If they somehow pull out a win before I get to enjoy a Super Bowl victory as an adult, I'll have to write a long-ass column about why this is one of the upcoming signs of the apocalypse and how Mike Holmgren is the Anti-Christ and Shawn Alexander is his bastard spawn and I'm not emotionally prepared to do that. (And Lord help me the day the Arizona Cardinals ever win a Super Bowl. That's like the Jamaican Bobsled Team finally getting a podium finish in the Winter Olympics. That's the day I'll proceed to rip my own head off, use whatever leftover life energy I have to kick it into a goal, only to have it clack off the goal post, in the neighbor's yard, where the dude's dog will happily gnaw on it till nothing is left but brain matter, 'cuz there's shit that even dogs won't eat. If you think that sounds horrible, it's still less painful than having to watch the Cards win a Super Bowl.)

• Is it just me or does anyone else find those Burger King football ads where The Burger King is the one making the big plays strangely fascinating? Even though that King mask is the creepiest mask since this thing?

• Despite playing in only his second season, Big Ben Roethlisberger (feel free to check my spelling) is playing like seasoned veteran. He's pretty much carrying the offense since the ground game has been struggling to make big plays. In the unfortunate case that he goes down, Bill Cowher should feel comfortable putting the game into the hands of backup Tommy Maddox, what with his big-game experience as the championship winning and MVP quarterback of the XFL.

• At the risk of sounding kinda gay, you gotta love the Steelers safety Troy Polamalu and his long black hair flowing out from under his helmet. Never mind that he's probably the best safety playing right now. He'll be the most telegenic guy on the screen thanks to his really cool hair. And I'm not just saying that because I also happen to have long hair (mine is straight).

• It's still not as cool as Big Ben's playoff beard, however.

• And on that note, if the Super Bowl came down to which coach had the better mustache, Bill Cowher would win and it wouldn't even be close. Couple that 'stache with that jutting chin that makes Jay Leno's jaw look flaccid along with his perpetual scowl and Mike Holmgren's nose hair looks more effeminate than John Water's. That and it sorta makes him look like a walrus.

• Shawn Alexander may be the regular-season MVP but that's due mainly due to the relative depth of quality players and the fact that he got a lot of pity votes after his petulant "stabbed in the back" tirade at the end of last season. Most would say that he's not even the MVP on his own team. His reputation around the league is that he's more about personal stats over team wins, he's a soft runner who's afraid of contact, is a poor blocker during pass plays, and still wets his bed (that last one could be pure conjecture on my part).

• As much as I love ESPN, I'm considering calling for an all-out boycott of that station for an entire week for subjecting us to that rancid mock piece about that one Japanese dude on the Seahawks. I never thought I'd say this but I really wanna punch Kenny Mayne in the mouth because of that. Yet another reason I hate the Seahawks.

• That story earlier in the week about Seattle's team bus being smacked on the side by a closing gate just proved to me that they're going to lose and lose bad. I love the part of the story where they just had to clarify that "no players were injured" in the "incident." Gee, a bunch of 250+ pound guys sitting in a ten ton bus (not The Bus, a real bus) getting smacked by a 200lb gate and everyone's fine? What a shock.

• Whoa!!! Donovan McNabb vs. Terrell Owens?!?! AGAIN?!?! You two get out! Now!!!

I could think of a few more but I'm sure everyone's kinda tired from reading all this crap. Anyway, my prediction for Super Bowl XL: Steelers 34, Seahawks 27

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:29 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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