:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Friday, February 03, 2006 ::

:: Random Thoughts: Super Bowl XL Edition ::

This being a long-overdue Random Thoughts post - and really, just long overdue - it may go on a little longer, an XL-sized post if you will. And that'll be my only use of the "XL" wordplay. I promise.

• The biggest story of the past few weeks is about Jerome "The Bus" Bettis' homecoming. Everyone loves a rags-to-riches, pulled-himself-out-of-abject-poverty, he-grew-up-in-Detroit-isn't-that-suffering-enough type story. Mix that in with a Hall of Fame-worthy career, his very first Super Bowl, which coincides with what's going to be his last game ever. Add in that he's also one of the genuine good guys; classy, great sportsmanship, extremely accessible and affable, strong presence in the community, and highly respected around the NFL. To top it all off he's a big, jolly fat guy. And who doesn't love a big, jolly fat guy?

• Right across the Detroit River is Canada (out 51st state) and it's common knowledge that prostitution is legal there. Knowing that, it kinda puzzles me that the Minnesota Vikings didn't pull out all the stops - trades, different coaches, bribery - to try to make it to the Super Bowl. Did I mention that the legal drinking age is 19?

• Right now, a lot of sportswriters are essentially a group of lemmings writing emotional pieces or creating overproduced TV documentaries about The Bus and his family and how his mom never missed any of his NFL games (ever!) that it's become the latest thing for sportswriters to either deride or parody. Except now there are so many parodies that the guys who do the parodies have now become lemmings themselves. I really wanted to do this sooner so I could be the first of the lemmings calling out the lemmings who are calling out the lemmings.

• I love the Rolling Stones but since the Super Bowl is in Detroit, couldn't they get a local band instead? How about something representing Motown? Was Ted Nugent not available? You just know that the Motor City Madman performing "Fred Bear" and "Stranglehold" during halftime would kick so much ass. Still, I'm just happy with didn't bring back that chick from England that performed last year.

• I'm rooting for Pittsburg. Partly because I'm a big fan of The Bus, whose career I've been following since the (then Los Angeles) Rams drafted him in 1993 and partly because I've always liked the blue-collar mentality of the Pittsburg Steelers organization. But I also really, desperately want the Seattle Seahawks to lose. Let me explain: Ever since the realignment and the Seahawks were moved into the same division as my SanFran 49ers, I always saw them with a detached, pitying amusement the same way Chevy and Ford used to view Dodge before Dodge released the square-jawed Ram truck and scared the crap out of everyone on the road. They had a long, storied history of futility and I never really considered them a threat to do anything with my Niners and the St. Louis Rams (our main rival) being the division powerhouses. Except now those two teams suck and the 'Hawks are finally playing the Super Bowl. If they somehow pull out a win before I get to enjoy a Super Bowl victory as an adult, I'll have to write a long-ass column about why this is one of the upcoming signs of the apocalypse and how Mike Holmgren is the Anti-Christ and Shawn Alexander is his bastard spawn and I'm not emotionally prepared to do that. (And Lord help me the day the Arizona Cardinals ever win a Super Bowl. That's like the Jamaican Bobsled Team finally getting a podium finish in the Winter Olympics. That's the day I'll proceed to rip my own head off, use whatever leftover life energy I have to kick it into a goal, only to have it clack off the goal post, in the neighbor's yard, where the dude's dog will happily gnaw on it till nothing is left but brain matter, 'cuz there's shit that even dogs won't eat. If you think that sounds horrible, it's still less painful than having to watch the Cards win a Super Bowl.)

• Is it just me or does anyone else find those Burger King football ads where The Burger King is the one making the big plays strangely fascinating? Even though that King mask is the creepiest mask since this thing?

• Despite playing in only his second season, Big Ben Roethlisberger (feel free to check my spelling) is playing like seasoned veteran. He's pretty much carrying the offense since the ground game has been struggling to make big plays. In the unfortunate case that he goes down, Bill Cowher should feel comfortable putting the game into the hands of backup Tommy Maddox, what with his big-game experience as the championship winning and MVP quarterback of the XFL.

• At the risk of sounding kinda gay, you gotta love the Steelers safety Troy Polamalu and his long black hair flowing out from under his helmet. Never mind that he's probably the best safety playing right now. He'll be the most telegenic guy on the screen thanks to his really cool hair. And I'm not just saying that because I also happen to have long hair (mine is straight).

• It's still not as cool as Big Ben's playoff beard, however.

• And on that note, if the Super Bowl came down to which coach had the better mustache, Bill Cowher would win and it wouldn't even be close. Couple that 'stache with that jutting chin that makes Jay Leno's jaw look flaccid along with his perpetual scowl and Mike Holmgren's nose hair looks more effeminate than John Water's. That and it sorta makes him look like a walrus.

• Shawn Alexander may be the regular-season MVP but that's due mainly due to the relative depth of quality players and the fact that he got a lot of pity votes after his petulant "stabbed in the back" tirade at the end of last season. Most would say that he's not even the MVP on his own team. His reputation around the league is that he's more about personal stats over team wins, he's a soft runner who's afraid of contact, is a poor blocker during pass plays, and still wets his bed (that last one could be pure conjecture on my part).

• As much as I love ESPN, I'm considering calling for an all-out boycott of that station for an entire week for subjecting us to that rancid mock piece about that one Japanese dude on the Seahawks. I never thought I'd say this but I really wanna punch Kenny Mayne in the mouth because of that. Yet another reason I hate the Seahawks.

• That story earlier in the week about Seattle's team bus being smacked on the side by a closing gate just proved to me that they're going to lose and lose bad. I love the part of the story where they just had to clarify that "no players were injured" in the "incident." Gee, a bunch of 250+ pound guys sitting in a ten ton bus (not The Bus, a real bus) getting smacked by a 200lb gate and everyone's fine? What a shock.

• Whoa!!! Donovan McNabb vs. Terrell Owens?!?! AGAIN?!?! You two get out! Now!!!

I could think of a few more but I'm sure everyone's kinda tired from reading all this crap. Anyway, my prediction for Super Bowl XL: Steelers 34, Seahawks 27

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:29 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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