:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Server Stories: Part XX - Bathroom Sex ::

I probably should have posted this earlier but here it is anyway:

Before I get started, it wasn't me that was having the bathroom sex, just so we're clear (it was on the prep table, but that's neither here nor there). I was working New Year's Eve and considering how busy it was, I had a remarkably easy night. Easy enough that I noticed a 6'3" blonde woman walk in and sit at the bar. It wasn't that she particularly beautiful or anything, but any time a 6'3" blonde woman walks past, you kinda have to notice.

She was slurping Cosmos at the bar with a bald guy who's apparently her husband. About 45 minutes pass as I attend to my tables opening wine and champagne bottles, getting extra lobster forks, etc. It's at this time I notice the blonde returning to her seat at the bar.

Five minutes later, I'm at the host stand, chatting with another server when the owner, Brenda, excitedly approaches the nearby manager and starts telling us how she caught the blonde having sex with a guy in the women's restroom. As she recounts it, they were in the handicap stall (because they needed the room, I think), completely naked (not pants around the ankles, dress hiked up to her waist, and her thong yanked to one side; completely naked... NEKKID), with the stall door wide open (faulty latch? Who knows) going at it like they were on the set of a porno ("set of a porno" being my interpretation; not that I'd know anything about that). Pretty sweet, right?

Here's where it get's weird:

The husband was sitting at the bar the whole time.

And if anyone doubted her, everyone who worked that night went to the ladies' room to see for thermselves where the sink was ripped from wall.

Happy New Year indeed.

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On a side note, did anyone submit my last post to reddit.com? Just curious because my hits went from like, 18 to 180 yesterday.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:10 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Server Stories: Part XIX - Sometimes, I'm the Asshole ::

I was working behind the bar during a lunch shift after an evening where a group of English douchbags tested my patience to the point where if not for managerial intervention, I might have taken a swing at a guy (the nice thing about my restaurant is that the people in charge are aware that screwups aren't always the fault of the staff). You can imagine my mood after that ordeal and having to come in immediately the next morning. 99% of the time, I'm able to conceal my mood and put on a smile, regardless of whether I want to be there.

It's a slow shift so far when an English couple sit at my bar and ask for two beers. (Just so you know. I don't actually hate the English. Really.)

"Sure," I reply and I get them their drinks and a couple of menus.

"No thanks, we're just thirsty. How much will it be?"

I hand over the bill with a smile and tend to another customer. When I come back, find a $100 bill in the check presenter.

For a $12.48 bill.

So really, they needed change and since the convenience store wouldn't do it, they come to my bar thinking they could swindle some smaller bills from the idiot bartender. (Or maybe they just forgot. I don't know. My caffeine hadn't kicked in yet so I could have been a little cranky.) Either way, getting their change would require me to empty out my drawer.

Whatever, I get them their change, say "thank you" and see how the other two at the bar are doing. When I return, they're gone. I open the book to grab my tip and they left... 55 cents. Are you fucking kidding me?!?

Anyone who's ever been to a bar knows the standard etiquette is a dollar a drink, at least. Even one dollar would have been fine but, no. And now I have a near-empty drawer and 55 cents for my trouble. "Let it go" I say to myself and I pick up their bottles when I see a pair of keys there. It's to their rental car, with the key fob, a tag, and an extra set. I pocket them.

Later that night, they're back, looking rather distraught, searching for their lost keys. They spot me, and ask if I found anything. And I reply, looking right in their eyes and say "I didn't see anything." When in fact, I had them right in my apron.

They leave in a huff, and I feel a smirk on my face.

As for the keys, I toss them in the garbage before I leave. I could have done the right thing but the way the last couple of weeks have been, kharma owes me. And I haven't been sleeping well anyway.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 12:02 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: My First (and hopefully, last) "Audition" ::

Actually, what it really was was an interview of sorts with a new club that's opening up close to the restaurant that I work at. Of course, this being South Beach and all, they can't just call it an interview, they have to advertise it as a "casting call" seeking people to "audition" for various positions ranging from bartender, security (my co-worker MZ actually suggested that I might do well as a bouncer since I'm a big guy with long hair and I can potentially look intimidating with a goatee. That and this one disruptive customer that came a few months ago actually quieted down when I approached him. Sorry, I'm digressing), bottle service, and I think a pole dancer or two. Okay I made that last part up.

So really, when I should be looking for interview opportunities with that little thing I went to school for two years for (what's it called... art... something), I'm looking at working a bar at a snooty club a couple of nights a week. It wasn't my idea but MZ didn't want to go alone so I tagged along, figuring it couldn't hurt.

What was it like? I supposed it isn't as emotionally degrading as a real casting call might be but there was a line down the block for prospective applicants who looked a little too eager, almost as if this job would be a make-or-break proposition for them. Be it paying their rent, maintaining (or replenishing) their stash, or saving up for a boob job, almost everyone there looked like they had a dire need for... I don't know, something. Also, I'm not sure who dresses skankier; girls who go to clubs or girls who want to work at a club. All I know is that I was paraded to miles of cleavege, of both the tits and the ass variety (if these pants get any lower, we're going to be able to see a fully-clothed girl's clitoral piercing. I'm serious. And I'm still debating whether is would be a good thing. And don't get me wrong, I love the clitoris but still. Let's move on.) Whatever, I wasn't complaining as I was treated to an eyeful as I was filling out my application.

About the application; the first two pages were the normal stuff you fill out: employment history, references, etc. Oddly, there wasn't anything inquiring your criminal history ("Have you ever been convicted of a crime?" No. "Explain?" Good lawyer.) I'm not sure why but I found this comforting, though I really should have felt consternation. However, that third page got a little... what's the word... umm... lame? There were questions ranging from the last movie I saw (Blood Diamond), the last magazine I bought (Road & Track), how many friends I have on myspace (seriously), to my favorite website (espn.com).

I wonder if the fact that I have only 19 friends on myspace will affect my chances.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 12:06 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: I'm still here ::

I haven't posted much lately because, frankly, I haven't felt like posting. There's been stuff I could write about, and I actually have a few posts saved as drafts but... I don't know. For the last two months, I've had a logjam of thoughts and emotions going through my mind about every aspect of my life as it is now, be it dating, career, or even my passion for some of my favorite hobbies.

I may be in a rut. This isn't due to some post-breakup-stress-disorder. I'm happy to be single again and having that weight off my shoulders is a joy (and I can check out the barely dressed girls that walk by my restaurant guilt-free). Or perhaps I'm still trying to figure out where 2006 went and I'm in some sort of mild denial about the fact that I've already been a waiter for a year now (didn't I just graduate?). Or maybe I'm in heavy denial about turning 32 late last year.

But it's not like I've been drowning my sorrows in booze or anything (I drink, but only beer and only because I like the taste). Work is going well. I've been working behind the bar more often and the latest round of new hires seem like nice people. I have a lot more time to play guitar and tennis. I've been keeping closer contact with some old friends.

Whatever. It's a new year now and I'm looking forward to many new things. I even have a few resolutions. But that's for later. Right now, I just wanted to check in.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:44 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Happy 2007 ::

For those of you whose 2006 was less than ideal, I hope the new year brings you joy and fortune.

For those of you whose 2006 was a good one, I hope your 2007 is even better.

To my friends and readers (and friends who are readers) Happy New Year.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:05 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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