:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

Thoughts, observations, and introspections from an art student waiter/bartender in South Beach. Arcane humor ensues.
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:: Friday, March 31, 2006 ::

:: i'm on a Break ::
I haven't had much to write about lately (actually I have but there is a lot of stuff that goes on in my life that prefer to keep completely private) and even when i do, I don't seem to have much time so I think I'm gonna take a break from blogging for a while. Thanks for reading everyone!

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 10:33 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Saturday, March 25, 2006 ::
:: Server Tales Part I ::
In an effort to improve the efficiency and profits of the restaurant I work at, the owner hired a consulting service to make improvements. This included a mild retraining of the waitstaff. We were resistant to some of the changes at first but there were a few things that just made sense. One of the changes was that we were to always carry a couple of spoons in either our shirt or apron pockets at all times. After a few weeks of observation, the consultants learned that spoons are the most frequently dropped utensils, at an average of 3 spoons dropped per table per hour. If we carried a spoon, we could reduce the number of trips back to the bus station and save 15 man-hours per shift. (There was another significant change which I'll elaborate on later.)

And my life being the way it is, a customer at my station was the first to drop a spoon after this change was implemented. I reached down for the wayward spoon, grabbed the fresh one from my apron, and promptly replaced his runaway silverware. The (easily amused) customer was impressed with that sort of expediency and asked if that was why every other waiter and I were carrying extra spoons in our pockets.

Me: The owners hired a consultant and told us it saves time, and we just get another spoon the next time we have to go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right then. Especially for the guy working outside.

Now about that other significant change; that customer also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the my zipper. Of my pants. Looking around, he noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their zippers. As I left to punch in his meal, he stopped me and asked, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

M: (A little hesitant) Umm, sure? (I lowered my voice.) The dude also found out that we can save time in the bathroom breaks. By tying this string to the tip of my, uhhmm, "thing," I can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash my hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by almost 70 percent.

Customer: (Pause) That works?

M: (Nodding) Pretty well.

C: Really.

M: Yep. (I started walking away.)

C: Hold on. After you're done, how do you put it back?

M: (I walked back and kept my voice down) I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.


Consultants. They think they're so clever.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:15 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Saturday, March 18, 2006 ::
:: I'm too Young for this Crap ::
Those who know me in real life know that while I like kids, I'm adamant about never having any of my own. My friends who trust me with their kids think I'm nuts but I have my reasons. One of them being is that when you're babysitting, it's never for more than a couple of hours and being as it I'm their "Uncle Dan-E" I'm never put in a position to discipline them. If anything, I can encourage mischief. However, being a guy, it seems I may still have traces of paternal instincts, despite my best efforts, and nowhere was it more apparent than last weekend when The Girlfriend's son Patrick came to visit last weekend.

He's an adorable 7-year old who's simultaeously precocious and immature for his age and while we had fun with him, there times where I wanted to punt the spastic little midget into the Miami Dolphins special teams unit, which I know sounds horrible but it really isn't, since their special teams sucked last season. Especially last Sunday when I was babysitting while The Girlfriend was at work: he was playing with his Lightsaber while I was on my laptop (he's similar to me in that he's easily amused and is quite gifted in keeping himself entertained by playing with his Lightsaber) which was fine, till he started pounding on my futon "yelling I have the power!" (I don't remember exact details.) It got annoying pretty quickly and I told him to stop a couple of times. After a third time, I used some words in a raised voice that, even if I lived to be a thousand, I thought I would never have to say in my lifetime:

"PATRICK. DO YOU WANT A TIME OUT?"

And apparently it worked as he uttered a meek "no" but I didn't realize it until much later because the moment I said it, I went into the same kind of dumbfounded shock and horror that Luke must have felt after Darth Vader revealed his true identity, only in my case it was more my subconscious telling me "Dan-E, you have become your father." (Though for whatever reason, they both have the same deep, menacing voice. James Earl Jones, I hate you now. Sorry for the digression.) All I remember is that my vision got blurry, I started to dry heave - I think I threw up in my mouth - and I eventually collapsed on the floor, curled up into the fetal position, and mumbled over and over "it's not happening. It's not happening."

Ok, I may have exaggerating somewhat in the previous paragraph. I threw up in my mouth just a little.

I told The Girlfriend about this later and, being the sympathetic type, she proceeds to comfort me by laughing in my face like I told her the funniest knock-knock joke (she likes those... *shudder*) ever. Whatever. I'm never having kids. A vasectomy is what, three grand?

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:51 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Thursday, March 16, 2006 ::
:: I'm in a Good Place. ::
I was talking to one of the bartenders this afternoon (we do that a lot during lunch shifts since it's not like there's any actual customers to wait on, but that's another post) about the women we're dating and he recomended a restaurant that he thought I should take Dani to (Did I mention yet that she has the same name as me? That's also another post). It's a a Four Star place called Wish (as in, "I wish I could afford to eat there") and he was raving about the place. Being as it he's had years of experience in the food service industry, I trust his taste but it was quite a bit out of my price range.

Me: Besides, Dani's more of a burger and fries kinda girl.

LI: M is too but every now and then, for special occasions, she likes to baby up stuff. We don't go to places like that very often but when we do, we go laaarrge.

M: Ah, that's cool. And I would but the last "nice" place we went to was the Cafeteria and she was complaining about the prices.

LI: Really?

M: She said to me afterwards that I spend too much money on her. When was the last time you ever heard a girl say that?

LI: (Pause) Wow, you're in a good place. You're in a REALLY good place.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:38 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Wednesday, March 08, 2006 ::
:: Dating's Freshman Fifteen ::
I find it alternately amusing and distressing that every time I start dating someone, I gain weight. Or rather, both me and whoever I'm dating start gaining weight. And I know it's not just me since I know several people, as well as heard annecdotes about others, who also experienced this relationship weight gain.

It's probably a combination of eating out (no, I mean actually eating out... perv), cooking more, and in this case, the fact that she's a pretty good cook and I'm always scarfing up her stuff whenever she gets near a stove. But still, I'm already up a notch on my belt. This is getting ridiculous.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 9:24 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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:: Sunday, March 05, 2006 ::
:: Some (very late) Thoughts on the Olympics ::
Just a few thoughts on the Winter Olympics: and they're quite random, meandering thoughts since the games came and went and I didn?t even notice and it seems no one else did either. And I also realize that this post comes a good week after the Olympics have been over but, I've been writing this over the last few days since I've been busy and all.
  • Is it really true that the ratings for the Olympics were actually beaten down by "American Idol" and "Dancing with the Stars"? Given the significance of the Olympics, that's about as retarded as Isiah Thomas trading for Steve Francis. Wait, he did that? Oh ok. (Alright, that was too easy.)
  • Speaking of which, did anyone else also notice that the National Hockey League was on hiatus while many of its players were off playing for their respective countries? Me neither.
  • I don't want to say anything else bad about the US Olympic men's hockey team other than that they seemed like they really wanted to come home early to prepare for the rest of the NHL season.
  • On the other hand, the US women's hockey team dominated to the point that if the US 2004 women?s softball team is any indication, women's hockey won't be back as an event for 2010. Right?
  • Lastly, women's hockey is different from men's in that it's slower-paced, fights are strongly discouraged, and checking is illegal. So let me get this straight: it's less exciting, the chicks are ugly, and there are no fights? It's hard to believe men's hockey is more popular.
  • Then again, it's still more exciting than the WNBA.
  • Despite the fact they started inventing competitions for the Winter Games just so America could win more medals, we finished behind Germany in the total medal count. A little sad considering some of these events for Americans are similar to Wonderlic test questions for college football students. And by that, I mean questions like "What's your first name?" and "If someone gave you four one dollar bills, how much money would you have?" type events.
  • To celebrate its medal domination, Germany held a victory parade to honor their greats. It started in Berlin and went all the way to, I believe, Warsaw.
  • Someone please explain to me how events like Curling in the Winter and Speed Walking in the Summer are actual Olympic sports and yet, baseball and softball have been eliminated? Can anyone explain the logic behind this? Because if Walking and Curling are Olympic sports, then they should include events like Billiards, Poker, Beer Pong, and Oral Sex. Why oral sex? If you're good at oral sex, then you certainly deserve a medal.
  • I'm not saying Olympic sports always have to require Herculean feats of athletic ability (if you saw ice dancing, it would seem that the only thing you need to be is moderately attractive as a female and deeply metrosexual as a male) to be interesting, but I don't think I'm alone in thinking that we want our athletes to be able to do things that look like it requires something more than a heartbeat and janitor supplies.
  • A friend once asked me "if GMC trucks are supposed to be 'Professional Grade,' then what does that say about Chevy trucks?" (They're the same trucks with different badges and grills.) I replied, "Chevy just wants to maintain its amateur status so it can compete in the Olympics." Instead of laughs, I got a blank stare, which was when I realized two things: 1. My friend is either too young or too stupid to get that joke and 2. Either way, in retrospect, that joke would probably have been much funnier twenty years ago.
  • As much as I hate it, it doesn't surprise me at all that more people would watch "Idol" over the Winter Games. It's a little sad but you have remember that we live in a pop culture where N'Sync sold millions of albums and movies like "Godzilla" and "The Day after Tomorrow" were No.1 at the box office.
  • There was a huge deal made over an American being the first black guy to win Winter Olympic Gold. It's cool and all but I think a bigger accomplishment would be in being the first black guy to never speak in a theater during a movie.
  • (On behalf of myself and bloggers everywhere - but mostly myself - I wanna apologize to African-Americans if you found the previous joke tasteless and offensive. I mean, it was funny and all and come on, I know you were laughing at that and besides it's a stupid stereotype that's fodder for humor and isn't remotely based on truth - even though it is completely based on truth ? oh wait, I'm digressing. Again, my apologies. I'm not racist. I just like racist humor. And the Asians made me do it. And I'm not above making fun of my own people. I make white people jokes all the time.)
  • (By the way, people who know me in real life are going to find the previous two sentences uproariously funny. Also, I'd like to apologize to Asians everywhere if you were offended by the "Asians made me do it" comment. But not it's like I used any needless stereotype humor on that quip. I don't want any of you guys Kung-Fu-kicking my ass.)
  • (My apologies to everyone - if you?re still reading - for the brain farts in the last two paragraphs. Babbling over.)
  • But as long as we're on puerile, tasteless humor, did anyone watching that Japanese girl figure-skating wonder if she was going to break into a karaoke rendition of "My Hump" at any moment? Shut up, you did too.
  • I don't wanna say Bode Miller failed to live up the hype and expectations but even the guys from the Indianapolis Colts are saying "dude, that was so disappointing."
  • People are trying to compare Miller's collapse to the "Dan and Dave" fiasco from back in the 80's but it?s nowhere near the same thing. Dan and Dave was misguided marketing hype and while Dan didn?t make it that year, he came back four years later and dominated. They were two classy athletes with a genuine respect for the games and for each other. Bode Miller is an athletic frat boy who collapsed under the pressure of expectations (two DNFs and a DQ). Sure he could accuse Lance Armstrong of taking steroids but instead of owning up to his own failures, he copped out with the excuse that he was more about ?the experience? than actually winning.
  • On a lighter note, is it true that both the opening AND closing ceremonies featured performances of "YMCA?" Leave it to the Italians to heap that much cheese on something like this.
  • I'd love to have been there the day they decided to combine two seemingly unrelated sports, cross-country skiing and plinking (white-trash-speak for target practice), and make it an Olympic event. They should take in one step further and include the ski jump and make it a triathlon. Rules dictate that you ski to the ramp, do your jump, and then shoot following skiers, after which you continue your run. And instead of little target rifles, you carry shotguns and shoot skeet-style. Don't even try to tell me that won't improve the ratings. And you know Dick Cheney would approve.
  • Other combo sports could be the bobsled-moguls. When you think about it, it doesn't take a great amount of skill or endurance to steer a sled down a slide with ramps and guardrails. If you take those bobsleds and put them on a downhill ski run, not only would it require far great skills in steering and braking, the potential for wipeouts is off the charts. It's like NASCAR tracks with landmines.
  • Guys would half-jokingly say that pairs figures skating and ice dancing are best watched with the mute button on and at no other time was that proven to be an axiomatic truth than when I first heard Tanith Belbin being interviewed after her event. Someone tell her that inhaling helium before going on air is a prank best left to preteens. That or she's a close relative of Fran Drescher and no one has bothered to climb that family tree. Whatever, I don't ever wanna hear that noise again.
  • Both men and women enjoy watching ice skating, but for different reasons. Women love the grace, the artistry, the music, and the occasional fluff piece about some pair that overcame seemingly insurmountable odds like poverty, injury, or Tonya Harding. Men like watching it for the wipeout potential, the skimpy leotards that fly around so you can her panties, and secretly lusting after Emily Hughes the same way every dude drooled over the Olsen twins before they hit legal age. You guys know what I'm talking about right? (Umm, neither do I.)
Anyway, that's it for now. I'm gonna try to see if I can find the time to pull myself away from real life and blog a little more. Or not.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:13 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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