:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Sunday, March 05, 2006 ::

:: Some (very late) Thoughts on the Olympics ::

Just a few thoughts on the Winter Olympics: and they're quite random, meandering thoughts since the games came and went and I didn?t even notice and it seems no one else did either. And I also realize that this post comes a good week after the Olympics have been over but, I've been writing this over the last few days since I've been busy and all.

• Is it really true that the ratings for the Olympics were actually beaten down by "American Idol" and "Dancing with the Stars"? Given the significance of the Olympics, that's about as retarded as Isiah Thomas trading for Steve Francis. Wait, he did that? Oh ok. (Alright, that was too easy.)

• Speaking of which, did anyone else also notice that the National Hockey League was on hiatus while many of its players were off playing for their respective countries? Me neither.

• I don't want to say anything else bad about the US Olympic men's hockey team other than that they seemed like they really wanted to come home early to prepare for the rest of the NHL season.

• On the other hand, the US women's hockey team dominated to the point that if the US 2004 women?s softball team is any indication, women's hockey won't be back as an event for 2010. Right?

• Lastly, women's hockey is different from men's in that it's slower-paced, fights are strongly discouraged, and checking is illegal. So let me get this straight: it's less exciting, the chicks are ugly, and there are no fights? It's hard to believe men's hockey is more popular.

• Then again, it's still more exciting than the WNBA.

• Despite the fact they started inventing competitions for the Winter Games just so America could win more medals, we finished behind Germany in the total medal count. A little sad considering some of these events for Americans are similar to Wonderlic test questions for college football students. And by that, I mean questions like "What's your first name?" and "If someone gave you four one dollar bills, how much money would you have?" type events.

• To celebrate its medal domination, Germany held a victory parade to honor their greats. It started in Berlin and went all the way to, I believe, Warsaw.

• Someone please explain to me how events like Curling in the Winter and Speed Walking in the Summer are actual Olympic sports and yet, baseball and softball have been eliminated? Can anyone explain the logic behind this? Because if Walking and Curling are Olympic sports, then they should include events like Billiards, Poker, Beer Pong, and Oral Sex. Why oral sex? If you're good at oral sex, then you certainly deserve a medal.

• I'm not saying Olympic sports always have to require Herculean feats of athletic ability (if you saw ice dancing, it would seem that the only thing you need to be is moderately attractive as a female and deeply metrosexual as a male) to be interesting, but I don't think I'm alone in thinking that we want our athletes to be able to do things that look like it requires something more than a heartbeat and janitor supplies.

• A friend once asked me "if GMC trucks are supposed to be 'Professional Grade,' then what does that say about Chevy trucks?" (They're the same trucks with different badges and grills.) I replied, "Chevy just wants to maintain its amateur status so it can compete in the Olympics." Instead of laughs, I got a blank stare, which was when I realized two things: 1. My friend is either too young or too stupid to get that joke and 2. Either way, in retrospect, that joke would probably have been much funnier twenty years ago.

• As much as I hate it, it doesn't surprise me at all that more people would watch "Idol" over the Winter Games. It's a little sad but you have remember that we live in a pop culture where N'Sync sold millions of albums and movies like "Godzilla" and "The Day after Tomorrow" were No.1 at the box office.

• There was a huge deal made over an American being the first black guy to win Winter Olympic Gold. It's cool and all but I think a bigger accomplishment would be in being the first black guy to never speak in a theater during a movie.

• (On behalf of myself and bloggers everywhere - but mostly myself - I wanna apologize to African-Americans if you found the previous joke tasteless and offensive. I mean, it was funny and all and come on, I know you were laughing at that and besides it's a stupid stereotype that's fodder for humor and isn't remotely based on truth - even though it is completely based on truth ? oh wait, I'm digressing. Again, my apologies. I'm not racist. I just like racist humor. And the Asians made me do it. And I'm not above making fun of my own people. I make white people jokes all the time.)

• (By the way, people who know me in real life are going to find the previous two sentences uproariously funny. Also, I'd like to apologize to Asians everywhere if you were offended by the "Asians made me do it" comment. But not it's like I used any needless stereotype humor on that quip. I don't want any of you guys Kung-Fu-kicking my ass.)

• (My apologies to everyone - if you?re still reading - for the brain farts in the last two paragraphs. Babbling over.)

• But as long as we're on puerile, tasteless humor, did anyone watching that Japanese girl figure-skating wonder if she was going to break into a karaoke rendition of "My Hump" at any moment? Shut up, you did too.

• I don't wanna say Bode Miller failed to live up the hype and expectations but even the guys from the Indianapolis Colts are saying "dude, that was so disappointing."

• People are trying to compare Miller's collapse to the "Dan and Dave" fiasco from back in the 80's but it?s nowhere near the same thing. Dan and Dave was misguided marketing hype and while Dan didn?t make it that year, he came back four years later and dominated. They were two classy athletes with a genuine respect for the games and for each other. Bode Miller is an athletic frat boy who collapsed under the pressure of expectations (two DNFs and a DQ). Sure he could accuse Lance Armstrong of taking steroids but instead of owning up to his own failures, he copped out with the excuse that he was more about ?the experience? than actually winning.
  

• On a lighter note, is it true that both the opening AND closing ceremonies featured performances of "YMCA?" Leave it to the Italians to heap that much cheese on something like this.

• I'd love to have been there the day they decided to combine two seemingly unrelated sports, cross-country skiing and plinking (white-trash-speak for target practice), and make it an Olympic event. They should take in one step further and include the ski jump and make it a triathlon. Rules dictate that you ski to the ramp, do your jump, and then shoot following skiers, after which you continue your run. And instead of little target rifles, you carry shotguns and shoot skeet-style. Don't even try to tell me that won't improve the ratings. And you know Dick Cheney would approve.

• Other combo sports could be the bobsled-moguls. When you think about it, it doesn't take a great amount of skill or endurance to steer a sled down a slide with ramps and guardrails. If you take those bobsleds and put them on a downhill ski run, not only would it require far great skills in steering and braking, the potential for wipeouts is off the charts. It's like NASCAR tracks with landmines.

• Guys would half-jokingly say that pairs figures skating and ice dancing are best watched with the mute button on and at no other time was that proven to be an axiomatic truth than when I first heard Tanith Belbin being interviewed after her event. Someone tell her that inhaling helium before going on air is a prank best left to preteens. That or she's a close relative of Fran Drescher and no one has bothered to climb that family tree. Whatever, I don't ever wanna hear that noise again.

• Both men and women enjoy watching ice skating, but for different reasons. Women love the grace, the artistry, the music, and the occasional fluff piece about some pair that overcame seemingly insurmountable odds like poverty, injury, or Tonya Harding. Men like watching it for the wipeout potential, the skimpy leotards that fly around so you can her panties, and secretly lusting after Emily Hughes the same way every dude drooled over the Olsen twins before they hit legal age. You guys know what I'm talking about right? (Umm, neither do I.)

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm gonna try to see if I can find the time to pull myself away from real life and blog a little more. Or not.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:13 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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