:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Riding off Victoriously ::

I'm sure everyone has already heard or read many a sports editorial about how Lance Armstrong's last Tour de France was a Tour de Force and other banal clichés. And there probably isn't much else I could write to further amplify the marvel and epic-ness of his achievements.

Indulge me while I try anyway.

I already wrote (gushed, really) about how one of his commercials moved me in such a way that it's the only spot that I watch regularly. Looking at it his latest feat, I see another reason why this spot is so cool. And it isn't because he survived a life-threatening illness as much as he conquered it. Never mind that some humble, almost dorky-looking boy from Texas became an icon for perseverance and tenacity. It goes beyond the fact that he took a rather ordinary form of recreation and turned it into an extraordinary story of achievement.

It’s that his insanely intense training regimen is not only ridiculously demanding physically, but throughout that he had to deny himself the one thing that every guy longs for at some point:

Beer.

I just loved his insistence before, during, and after the tour that Beer was the one thing he was looking forward to the most. I'm serious. He'd always say something like "I know one thing about my retirement: It will involve enjoying a beer" before the race. When asked about how plans to relax immediately following the race, he said it'd be "on a beach, with a beer, having a blast."

It amazes me that any guy, even one as disciplined as Lance, would have the tenacity to go for so long without so much as a sip of that sweet, quenching, nectar from the Gods. And if he thought winning his seventh Tour de France was sweet, it won’t come close to one of life's greatest pleasures: that first pull from a pint of cold beer when you're really thirsty.

And really, no one has earned a good beer more than he has.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:10 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
.....

:: MY EYES!!! ::

Little note for you male readers: If you're a gym rat and you like to show off the results of your vanity gone haywire, that's fine. If you like to display your bulked up arms by wearing a two-sizes-too-small tank top that says "These Guns are Registered" that's fine. If you think that it's ok to be wearing that even if you're in your late 40s - early 50s, and your overly tanned, sun-damaged patch of upholstry - otherwise known as "skin" - has more wrinkles than an elephant's left asscheek, I guess that's fine too.

However, wearing aqua-blue nuthugger hotpants in public? That is not fine. Nor is it fine to wear that and sit in a table that's both in close proximity to mine and directly in my line of sight. NOT cool. But if you're not gonna heed those requests, then at least try to not to bend over so everyone in the restaurant can see the outline of your thong. Ok? And it's not like we were deliberately searching for evidence, either. It’s just that your choice of, uhh, underpants were about as easy to notice as Heidi Klum's nipples underneath a wet T-shirt.

I mean seriously, a guy in hotpants is bad enough but, a thong?!? I have no problems if a guy wants to explore his inner drag queen but please, go fag out on your own time.

Anyway, rant over. I'm gonna gouge out my eyeballs now.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 9:36 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
.....

:: What's wrong with me? ::

Ok. Anyone who knows my taste in music knows that I'm a huge classic rock fan. To a lesser degree, I also listen to modern rock. I also love the blues. Almost anything involving a guitar. I listen to a lot of singer/songwriters and bands that write their own stuff. They also know of my distaste of boy bands, overpampered divas, rappers, and hip hop.

So it's with some consternation that I found myself bobbing my head along to that one song "Don't Funk with my Heart" by the Black Eyed Peas. It gets regular play over at Taste Bakery, where it seems their radio's dial is permanently stuck on "Top 40 music to make Dan-E feel out of touch." This has been going on for the last couple of weeks.

Nice thing about Mac laptops with wireless cards is that other people that own Mac laptops with wireless cards can listen to the tracks on each other's iTunes. So I found myself during a lull last week trying to find other Black Eyed Peas (referred to BEP from this point on) songs and much to my chagrin, I caught myself thinking "this stuff isn't too bad."

And no wonder. Listen to their songs long enough and you realize that it's hip hop for people who don't like hip hop. I'm no expert but most rap and hip hop songs are constructed from rhythmic beats (that standard 4/4 cadence that a tone-deaf white guy with the world's largest overbite could dance to) whereas BEP's songs are created by hooks and melodies. It's the kind of hip hop that some twenty year old's parents might listen to. (I feel really old now.) Which is fine and all until you walk in on your parents making out on the living room couch to "Let's Get it Started."

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:26 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
.....

:: Age Defying Longevity ::

I don't know if any of you guys remember my blog entry about how I've taken to rooting for the old guys in sports. Well, after watching him defy logic, nature, science, and quite possibly, acts of God, I have to give Atlanta Braves first baseman Julio Franco some special respect.

All the "old guys" I mention can retire today and be proud of their long, illustrious, even Hall of Fame-worthy careers. But Franco makes 41 year old Randy Johnson look like a wide-eyed rookie. 40 year old catcher Benito Santiago, who just happens to be the term "grizzled veteran" personified and has a face more pockmarked than Edward James Olmos, seems baby-faced in comparison. Even Jerry Rice is looking at this guy and thinking "dude, you old." (HeÂ?s 42.)

Granted, there are naturally occurring genetic anomalies out there that just happen to be freakishly gifted athletes but this guy is still doing it at the age of 46. There should be entire medical journals written about his conditioning. Officials have taken his blood samples; not to test for steroids, but rather to analyze his DNA to see if they can find anything that might explain his longevity, and maybe even find a cure for a disease. Forensics teams have been dispatched to his home city in the Dominican Republic to check the water and bring back soil samples. Old guys, some even in their late 30s, are lining up outside of Turner Field just for a mere glimpse, maybe even the faint hopes that if they can lay hands on him, that their own ailments might disappear.

This is a guy that started his career in 1982. He's outlasted fads, trends, political regimes, a couple of Biblical plagues, Cory Hart AND Corey Feldman. At his age he's still fast enough to steal third base. He's still strong enough to hit a pinch-hit home run in a ballpark where the outfield is larger that South Dakota. He still hits the weight room with the same intensity as Pavoratti hits the pasta section of a buffet. Guys on his team 20 years younger wish they had his body (for that matter, so do their wives). He takes batting practice with the weighted donut still on the bat and still hits opposite-field line drives out of the park.

His goal is to play baseball until he's 50, and he's the only guy where that sort of statement can seem like a lack of ambition. Despite having 16 extra years on me he's in better shape now than I've ever been. I even got a chance to see him play last year when I stopped by Atlanta on our ballpark tour. He has the one of the more awkward batting stances and yet possesses the timing and strength to turn on a 95mph fastball and the speed to stretch that out to a triple.

Go Julio.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 6:23 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
.....

:: Ugh P. II ::

(Warning: gross subject matter ahead)

So not only am I in a creative funk but my stomach suddenly decided to pretend it's a bladder. The guys reading this might know what I'm talking about: ever have the runs so bad that you understand how it feels to pee sitting down? Yeah. (I told you it was gross).

It was one of those cases where I was woken up in the morning 'cuz my stomach was in knots and once I crawled to the bathroom, you could hear the resulting explosion three blocks away. So today around two, I finally start to feel a little better but only after I flushed about thirteen feet of my small intestines down the crapper in the last two days.

And what sucks is I'm not even sure what it is I ate that's causing this. I haven't had anything to eat since last night I'm perturbed by the fact that even this morning, I was still... expediting. All I had was one bowl of oatmeal the last 36 hours; I mean how much crap can one guy possibly hold (outside of politicians, I mean)? The only other thing I've had in that time period is water and diet coke. Which means that while my insides have declared a Jihad on any foreign, solid, matter, my skin is nice and smooth.

Lovely.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:20 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
.....

:: Ugh ::

Second week of school and yet I've been feeling sluggish and brain-dead lately. And it's not for the lack of caffeine either. I need to break out of this funk but I don't know how.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:03 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
.....

:: So much for that Theory ::

You know how everyone says that you should never go grocery shopping on an empty stomach since it causes you to "overshop?"

Does that theory still apply if you're one of those types that are always hungry?

I ran out of fruit so I walked over to Publix after dinner thinking I'd just pick up some fruit and maybe another couple of items I'm low on. As it turns out there's a half-price sale on thick-cut bacon and anyone who knows me knows that I think bacon and eggs is the best breakfast ever. I got two boxes. They were two pound boxes.

I got some oranges and some grapefruit. I also picked up whole wheat tortillas, a package of Canadian Bacon (you know, for when I feel like eating healthy), a couple of packs of Johnsonville Bratwurst (they were also on sale), some spinach, a wooden spoon, some garlic-infused olive oil, and a thing of Salmon Rolls for, um, second dinner.

At this rate, I have enough food in fridge to last for, oh I don't know, the weekend.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 5:06 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
.....

:: I'm "Snarky" ::

Interesting.

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of. And that's why they read your posts as often as they can!

What kind of blogger are you?

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 12:02 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
.....

Happy 4th of July!

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:06 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
.....

:: Crazy-ass Asians ::

Remember back in the good old days when people unaccustomed to Asian cuisine would merely worry about the mysterious contents of the bowl or dish placed in front of them? Did anyone ever think that you'd have to question the mindset behind the bowl or dish placed itself? Or for that matter, the seat you're sitting on? This is just... I want to say "wrong" but that would be a monumental understatement. I can just imagine the poor servers dealing with smart-ass patrons:

Server: What can I get you guys?

Smart-ass patron: (SNICKERING) You guys have the "poo-poo platter?"

Other retards at the table: (GIGGLING)

S: (FORCED SMILE) Heh. No.

SAP: Are you sure?

S: (SIGH) Yeah.

SAP: (CHUCKLING) Well, in that case can I make my own?

ORATT: (LAUGHING)

S: (IMPASSIVE) Would you like to hear our specials?

SAP: Sure. Wait, this is a Chinese restaurant right?

S: Um, yeah.

SAP: Do you serve dog?

S: (BARELY CONCEALING HOSTILITY) No dude.

SAP: Cuz if you did and I ate one, it would be perfect since I wouldn't have to get up to take a shihtzu.


Ok, you guys out there must have thought up your own jokes. Let's see them!

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:28 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
.....