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Thoughts, observations, and introspections from an art student waiter/bartender in South Beach. Arcane humor ensues.
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:: Wednesday, November 21, 2007 ::

:: Second Not-Quite-Annual L.o.P.D. Turkey of the Year Awards ::
It's about time I did one of these since I had some fun with the first one. Some of these you'll agree, others you may not, and a few will leave you shaking your head since I put it in there just for me.
  • The Mitchell Investigation: This may surprise some of you since I've made my animosity towards Barry Bonds quite clear. While I am quite happy at the prospect of Bonds going to jail and the fact that his career is more or less over, I'm trying to figure out when exactly an investigation that was supposed to be about cleaning up Baseball (never mind we have far worse problems that need solving, but that's another post) became a bounty hunt. Why the focus on Bonds? What about Jason Giambi? Did they forget Rafael Palmeiro? He didn't get that strong popping Viagra and he committed the most memorable act of perjury (finger-wagging and all) during the first round of hearings.
  • Britney Spears/Lindsey Lohan/Paris Hilton: Please, please, I beg you: just go away and leave us alone.
  • Travis Henry: It's been confirmed that this Denver Bronco running back is the father of nine (9) children from nine (NINE!) different women. And now he just got suspended for testing positive for marijuana. Now I flunked the narcotics portion of biology (who are we kidding, I flunked biology) but isn't smoking pot supposed to lower your sperm count? And why hasn't anyone turned this guy's life into a reality show? this is one that I would actually watch.
  • The guy who invented the Mojito: Sure it's a tasty drink, even he or she must have thought at least once while making it, "This is a pain in the ass." It's not difficult to make but muddling the lime, mind and sugar about twenty, times your forearm feels like it'll fall off.
  • Tiki Barber: This guy retired early to become a broadcast think he'd be a great “disseminator” of information and all he is is a bland talking head. But the reason he's a T.o.Y. is because he started talking shit about his old team (the N.Y. Giants) as soon as he was retired. Judging from the reactions, one might conclude he lacked the testicular fortitude to bring up any team shortcomings in the locker room while he was still playing but as it is, he waited until after he was gone. Talk about a chicken-shit way to make a name for yourself. Oh by the way, the Giants are playing much better without him.
  • My Cat: Look, I adore my cat. He's a big, adorable, orange ball of fur but I just spent $200 at the veterinarian because he's eating less, only to discover that nothing's wrong with him. He's eating less because cats "are easily stressed" and might get weirded out "if you move your chair," according to the Vet. Really? So the reason he lost his appetite isn't because of renal failure or infection, but because I moved the litter box to the bathroom? That little shit.
  • Terrell Owens: You can't spell "Turkey of the Year" with "T.O. and it just wouldn't a T.o.Y. list without him.
  • The Guy who Owns this Restaurant: Thanks to this guy's hot and cold submarine sandwiches, I've put on about ten pounds in the last two months. So if anything's to blame it's really my lack of will power (that Steak Special is awesome) but this is my list so I'm gonna blame the sandwich maker.
  • The Los Angeles Dodgers: I'm kinda happy that they hired Joe Torre since I wasn't completely sold on Grady Little. Yet, the hiring process was shameful. They tried to talk to Torre while Little was still employed and while he took the high road, that was the low point of an otherwise storied franchise. Oh, and they're going to feature a float in the next Tournament of Roses Parade (does anyone still watch this? If you do please, let me know) to celebrate the 50th Anniversary, you know, since we don't have any recent Titles to celebrate. If it's anything like the current Dodger team, the people on the float will start arguing with each other halfway through the parade and break down at the last mile.
  • Dan-E: This guy's a loser. Who's he to critcize anyone?

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:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:07 PM [+] :: | 0 comments

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