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:: Sunday, September 10, 2006 ::

:: Week 1 Picks: Football Season 2006 ::
Are you ready for some football?!? Few things get me more excited than the start of Football season. (Some of those things are baseball playoffs, new episodes of "Lost," and all-you-can-drink beer.) Just like last season, I'm going to try to maintain a weekly post with my picks for that week. I would have posted this a couple of days ago but I've been busy with work, but not so busy that I was able to take fifteen minutes to jot down selections during a slow moment at work for our office, er, restaurant pool and that's what I'm posting here.

There is the possibility that I'll be very horrible this week since the news of the pool came to me on Wednesday and even though I did a little research and regretted some of my picks, the ones here are identical to the pool picks. (Of course, if I go 14-1, it's simply because I'm Football Genius.)

Pittsburg beats Miami:
I won't go out of my way to try to convince you that I knew the Steelers would win and I'm not just posting this after the fact. (The Girlfriend is a witness.) But if you know anything about football, you should know that "Daunte Culpepper" and "Fantasy Team Pariah" go hand-in-hand for a reason (namely, 6 TD-12 INT ratio last season). Sure Big Ben is out but the game is IN Pittsburg and, oh yeah, they're the Super Bowl Champs. That and their signature Primanti Brother's sandwich beats the crap out of a Cuban Sandwich any day.

Baltimore beats Tampa:
I don't know what I was thinking with this one. I knew the new Ravens QB was a vast improvement over last year but that's like saying you dumped Tara Reid to date Paris Hilton: sure it might be an improvement but your trading one set of problems for another and you don't necessarily feel better about yourself in the morning.

Carolina beats Atlanta:
This seemed like an easy pick until I heard that No.1 WR Steve Smith is out with TWO bad hamstrings and for a guy who's known for speed, that's bad. But then I remembered that the Panthers swept the Falcons last season and Michael Vick got smacked around like Dukakis in the 1984 elections.

Denver beats St. Louis
This pick is my first "What Might Happen in Real Life" theory of 2006. Sure, rams have horns but a bucking bronco is much larger and would kick the crap out of a ram. And if you think I'm just picking against the Rams because I they're a division rival, then you know me too well.

New England beats Buffalo:
Deion Branch is holding out because he wants more money, Pats think he's not worth No.1 WR money yet is demanding two 1st round picks for him. And none of this matters because J.P. Losman is the starting QB for the Bills. (For this week anyway.) Their Qb situation is so bad that they're actually longing for the good old days of Drew Bledsoe. And to think I bitch about being a 49ers fan.

Philly beats Houston:
Game 1 in Season 1 of Houston's annual "WHY THE HELL DIDN'T WE PICK REGGIE BUSH?!?!" outcry begins today.

Cleveland beats new Orleans:
I was most unsure about this one and I'm still not sure. We're talking two underachieving franchises that underwent personnel and management upheavals in the offseason, and starting what's supposed to be the start of a more positive, albeit another, rebuilding season. New Orleans is still trying to recover from Katrina and Cleveland has, well, the Browns and the Indians. If I had to pick today, I'd have picked the Saints instead.

Seattle beats Detroit:
Sure, one of the Lions' assistant coaches might have been arrested for driving drunk in the nude but that still doesn't make up for the fact that new offensive coordinator/egomaniac Mike Martz is to coaching staffs what Terrell Owens is to football franchises. Jon Kitna, a QB so worthless that his parents couldn't bother adding an "h" to his name, is the Lions starter. At least the Tigers don't suck any more.

Tennessee beats New York:
Disregard that Chad Pennington's shoulder might be healthy and he's good to go. The simple fact is that I throw harder than he does and the last time I went to a speedpitch booth, my fastest pitch was 59mph.

Cincinnati beats Kansas City:
I must have forgotten that half of the Bengals are only playing because they're on a work-release program from Bengals. Chad Johnson and T.J. Hoshmanzadeh (and yet I can't spell Big Ben's last name) are studs but the Chiefs have Larry Johnson, who clearly seems to have taken the diapers off.

Chicago beats Green Bay:
Bears QBs Brian Griese, Rex Grossman, and Kyle Orton can collectively tiptoe and still not sniff Packers QB Brett Favre's jock strap. However football is a team sport and unlike Chicago, Green Bay seems to have forgotten that they need a defensive unit. Oh wait, they have one? Never mind. *Chortle*

SanFran beats Arizona:
Half of ESPN radio's "Mike and Mike" Mike Golic, who's also an ESPN football analyst, is the only one who thinks my 49ers can beat the Cardinals. Since he's the guy who I named my turtle after, I'm going to pick my Niners, too (even though logic says they have almost no chance). Sometimes, I'm that easy.

Dallas beats Jacksonville:
I vividly remember this one time The Girlfriend and I went to get ice cream. We were sitting outside and this asshole blaring his radio in a Crown Vic with flashy rims parks in the handicap spot in front of our table. He gets out and walks into Coldstone's, while leaving the radio blaring, loud enough that we have to shout to converse. I want to leave but in a few minutes a cop pulls up. Not only is the guy verbally reprimanded in front of the girl behind the counter he was trying to impress, he gets ticketed for both parking in a handicap spot and for the loud radio. For whatever reason, I found myself enjoying watching that spectacle a bit more than I should have. This relates to this game because I hate the Cowboys and I'm pretty sure I'm going enjoy watching the spectacle of Terrell Owens torpedo-ing that team and watching them implode worse than the way Philly did last year. And in this case I will absolutely enjoy seeing that happen.

Washington beats Minnesota:
The first Monday Night Football on ESPN and it's a DOUBLEHEADER. I officially love Mondays now. Or I do for the next 17 weeks.

San Diego beats Oakland:
Let's see now, inexperienced rookie QB (Phillip Rivers) with potential playing with the best running back in the league (LaDanian Tomlinson) vs. veteran QB (Aaron Brooks) who makes quite possibly the dumbest on-field decisions since Ryan Leaf handing off to a guy who played backup to a past-his-prime Curtis Martin. Hmmmmm.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 2:29 AM [+] :: | 0 comments

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