:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

How NOT to write a screenplay:
Adapt "The Vagina Monologues" as a CGI film by Pixar in which animated photorealistic talking vaginas deliver the monologues.

Now before some of you get offended and wonder how I could post something so lascivious (or horrifying, depending on your point of view), I should point out that I can't take credit for that little gem. It's something I read recently in GQ Magazine that I found so amusing that I just had to share it with my readers (whether you'll appreciate it or not). Believe me, I WISH I could come up with something that whimsical. Then again, given enough time, I probably could…

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 3:24 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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As if I needed more convincing, I continue to see evidence that some of these animal-rights activists have completely lost touch with reality. What am I babbling about? I'm sure most of you have seen the latest Quizno's commercial which portrays a chef whose so overtly focused on making sandwiches that he's shown cooking while not wearing pants. This commercial has drawn the ire of animal-rights people because it shows the chef's neglected parakeet laying dead on the bottom of its cage.

It seems that the biggest complaint is that the commercial is only 30 seconds long.

Oh wait, I already used that punchline for the Miller commercial. (I love that joke can I tell you? Jan. 16th if you haven't read it) Oh don't have a "cow", you guys know how much I love to "milk" a joke for all it's worth. Can't believe I "udder-ed" that? If I keep it up my readers are gonna have a real "beef" with this. That's no "bull." Ok, ok, moo-ving on.

(Don't you love how I can throw in a completely different punchline after a totally unrelated buildup?)

What was I saying? Oh yeah the Quizno's commercial. Now I can understand one being offended if a commercial showed a cook chopping the head off a bird and stuffing its still-writhing corpse into a loaf of bread because that is rather crude (I mean, can you imagine the poor customers having the pick out the feathers from their teeth?) but we're talking about a dead parakeet and a fake one at that. Now wouldn't the real concern be that your lunch is being made by a guy not wearing pants? HELLO?! Envision what that would be like if that were to actually happen:

Cook: Would you like mayo on your sanwich?
Customer: Oh HELL NO.

Come on you animal lovers. Get back down here with the rest of us earthlings.

As long as we're on the subject, I should mention that I've seen literature that uses some questionable statistics as a method of trying to sway carnivores into adopting the vegan lifestyle. The most memorable one was a factoid that says the gross weight of all the cows on planet earth is greater than the gross weight of all the humans. Really? All that tells me is that we need to eat more cows.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 9:49 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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You guys ever go into mental lapses from time to time? You know how when you're really tired or have been awake too long (or both) and your brain shuts down all but the most basic functions? It happens to me on occasion and I seem to be suffering from that phenomenon at the moment. I was going to make an entry about something I wanted to do previously but I didn't because at the time, I forgot what it was I wanted to write about. And now I can't, for the life of me, recall what the hell that topic was. It's like I have amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I know because I've forgotten this before.

Someone recently complimented me on my style of writing after digging up an old movie review that I wrote ages ago. While I was flattered, I can't help wonder how it is that people would think my writing is worthy of any or of praise. My (for lack of a better word) "style" isn't so much a style or method but I simply write the way I talk. The words I put on paper, at least to me, don't seem very different than the words I use when I speak. Well, they don't seem different once you ignore my occasional verbal errors of stuttering, slurring, odd pauses in mid-phrase, the way I fade out at the end of a sentence, and the incoherent mumbling.

About that mumbling. Since my writing mimics my speech patterns, I should point out that the reason why you can't always hear me is because I'm talking in parenthesis. (I hope this clears things up.)

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:13 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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This is a summary of actual article in a local newspaper:

Disneyland officials released a statement today saying that in the interests of political correctness further revisions will be made to their popular "Pirates of the Caribbean" attraction. This comes on the heels of changes made to the ride a few years ago where one particular section of the ride showed pirates aggressively pursuing women. In an attempt to appease women's groups, the women are now seeing carrying plates of food so as to give the impression of pirates being extremely hungry, which is more "family oriented" than lasciviousness of the previous display.

The most recent round of changes involve a complete overhaul in the later sections of the ride where the more "traditional" pirates will give way to exhibits of post-modern piracy. Included will be mock-ups college students in libraries using programs such as Napster and Kazaa to illegally download, or "pirate," music and software, as well as a scene of a Chinese street market where some vendors are shown selling bootlegged copies of movies on videotape and VCD formats. "Piracy has progressed from pillaging and plundering to electronic thievery," said one Disney official, who wished to remain anonymous. "As dreary as this chapter of humanity is, we at Disney felt it was important to include this as a pertinent part of the history of piracy."

Responses from various Kazaa users have varied from amusement to indignation. One Kazaa user who would only identify himself as "ShareMaster" reacted via e-mail, "to call what we do piracy is an insult to pirates. We earn [sic] right to music and the greedy corporate bastards who run the music companys [sic] wouldn't be complaining if they didn't charge $20 for a CD where all but one song is [crap]." A former Napster user who goes by the handle "SweetPimp" took a more bemused stance. "There was nothing wrong with the ride before. I think they're going a bit overboard with the whole [political correctness] stuff."

Bootleg vendors could not be tracked down for comment.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:08 PM [+] :: | 0 comments
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I was at the gym today and observed a rather depressing indication that our culture is firmly entrenched in the 21st century: I was working out on the Stairmaster wiping some sweat away from my face when I see in the corner of my eye a young lady walking on the treadmill? while talking on the cell phone. Five minutes into it, she tripped, fell over and knocked over the two innocent runners next to her and caused a rather unsightly 3-person pileup resulting in a line delays that lasted for several minutes. Gym officials are still investigating the incident.

Okay, so she didn't actually trip (I couldn't help myself with the inattentive driver parody, see) but it just struck my curiosity as to what type of person would be chatting on a cell phone while working out at the same time. (I've also seen a girl at the beach talking on the phone while rollerblading and unlike the jogger, she actually came close to tripping, but that's a whole different blog entry.) So once I finished I head over to floor area to do my stretches and being as it she happened to be on the way, I gave her a quick once-over as I walk by. Of course she's still busy yapping away and is completely oblivious to my presence. I got a good look at her, and was fascinated that she was wearing both a good amount of makeup and a T-shirt that was clearly a size too small. Not only was it small but the inscription across the front of her shirts was rather suggestive. Not as crass as "Kiss me if you're Horny" but something along those lines. Now, I'm no fashion expert but wearing makeup while exercising just doesn't seem practical. I can only imagine how badly it would run once you started sweating and I'm assuming my female reader(s) agree with this. Then again, she wasn't walking at a very strenuous pace. I was shaking my head it hit me, this girl who's at the gym ostensibly for her health is there for no other reason than to try to pick up guys. Now, don't think me naïve as I'm fully aware of the fact that health clubs can be fertile meat markets, but it's just been a while since I've seen anyone as obvious as this. Then again, I tend to keep to myself and do my business and for the most part, ignore those around me so maybe these types are more prevalent than I realize. Because to tell you the truth, if it wasn't for the cell phone, I wouldn't have noticed her at all.

Still, one would think that there would be less obvious ways to go about it but then again, if you're caked in makeup and wearing a shirt more appropriate for toddlers while working out you're probably desperate for male attention. Okay, maybe she wasn't caked in makeup but relative to women who actually prioritize health and fitness, she stood out in way akin to Christina Aguilera's Slutty-the-Clown-whore face paint would stand out in, say, your average mall. (By the way, I've been wanting to use that "Christina Aguilera's Slutty-the-Clown-whore face paint" line for quite some time now. I know it's a long way to go for a line but hell, it's my blog.)

Don't misunderstand me. As much as it may seem like it, I'm not coming down on this poor woman. I do hope she finds love, or at the very least a man for the moment, at the gym. It's that whole cell phone thing that just fascinated me. I suppose it's a testament to how boring my week has been so far that I'm devoting this much space to something like this.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 7:18 AM [+] :: | 0 comments
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