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:: Sunday, September 17, 2006 ::

:: Week 2 Picks ::
Talk about a pretty sweet Week 1 in the NFL. Green Bay got shut out for the first time since the Lombardi era and Tampa Bay got shut out, making it Tamps biggest football-related news since the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders got caught making out in a woman's bathroom. Last year's Super Bowl runner-up Seattle Seahawks couldn't score a touchdown against the lowly Detroit Lions. Week 1 of Houston's "MARIO WILLIAMS?!?! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING?!" lament proved entertaining. Dallas' is another 3-INT Drew Bledsoe game away from a Terrell Owens meltdown. And my favorite, my Frisco 49ers almost came back against a heavily favored team despite having a QB that looks like he's belongs in a SciFI convention more than a football game.

(Yes, I said almost. Even though we lost, considering the suffering Niners fans have endured the past few years, you look for positives where ever possible.)

Last Week: 9-7

Onto Week 2:

Miami over Buffalo:
Remember back when trading away Drew Bledsoe seemed like a good idea? I know I bitch about my Niners have had lousy years but it must be so bad in Buffalo that they're pining for the days when they lost FOUR STRAIGHT Super Bowls in a row. There has to be some kind of award for that level of Futility. (Which bring up the question: you think Peyton Manning was a Bills fan? Just asking.)

Minnesota over Carolina:
Last year, the Vikings had that Love Boat scandal and Carolina had their two hot, drunk lesbian cheerleaders (where the hell is the FHM spread?!?! It's been a year people! Someone get on this! I'm serious!). How this relates to the game between these two... umm, nothing really. I'm just trying to see how often I can mention hot, drunk lesbian cheerleaders.

Eagles over Giants:
After last week's Manning Bowl, did anyone else notice that when Peyton and Eli went to shake hands, that Eli looked like he wanted to rear back and sucker-punch big brother? Or is that just me?

Baltimore over Oakland:
Game 1 of the "Coach Art Shell: the Return" couldn't have gone any better for those of us who love unintentional comedy. Forget that Randy Moss' hair was housing a nest of pigeons, that the Raider's O and D-lines were more porous than my face at age 15, or that Aaron Brooks was vintage Aaron Brooks. Other than the gray hairs and an extra 20 pounds, it was vintage Art Shell. This guy has two facial expressions: impassive and less than impassive. You'll see it if you look for it.

Atlanta over Tampa Bay:
Watching John Gruden's face after last week's loss both fascinated me and scared the living crap out of at the same time. I can't wait to see it again this week.

Detroit over Chicago:
I can't believe I'm picking the Lions and for reasons other than trying to get sex from my Michigan-native Girlfriend. But as good as the Bear's defense is, I'm pretty sure Rex Grossman is going to suffer yet another injury under the Lion's vastly improved D-line. I have no way to prove this but I'm pretty sure a main reason the defense is playing better is because their new coordinator, who got pulled over naked, threatened to show up to team meetings without pants if they played poorly.

Cincinnati over Cleveland:
Speaking of guys no one wants to see naked, has anyone seen Browns coach Romeo Crenel lately? This guy looks more bloated than Pavarotti after a pasta buffet. In this coaching matchup of two big black guys, I'm gonna pick the one that looks least likely to have a coronary.

New Orleans over Green Bay:
Did anyone else know that before last season, Green Bay made a concerted effort to trade for new Saints QB Drew Brees as Brett Favre's successor? You think the managers are kicking themselves now for not being able to pull that off now?

Indy over Houston:
Week 2 of the Texans' Fan Suicide Watch isn't going to get any easier with Peyton Manning coming into town.

SanFran over St. Louis:
My upset pick of the week: and not just because I might be a blissfully ignorant, blindly loyal, mouth-breathing 49ers fan. (I'm hardly blissful.) As many holes as the Niners have they came within a Hail-Mary of taking a superior Cardinals team into overtime in a game that had no business being that close. New Tight End Vernon Davis is a Tony Gonzalez/Antonio Gates in waiting but right now, Running Back Frank Gore is a stud. And I hate the Rams but whatever.

Arizona over Seahawks:
I couldn't tell you if Detroit is just that much better or Seattle has regressed just that much since I didn't see that game. But come on, 9-6? No TDs from last season's team with the most prolific rushing offense? That's like Christian Troy from "Nip/Tuck" suddenly only being able to score with fat chicks (and not, say, hot drunk lesbian, er, bisexual cheerleaders) just because he aged 12 months.

Denver over Kansas City:
Sure that was an ugly hit that Trent Green took, but it still wasn't as ugly as the Chiefs' overall game plan. Seriously, what was that?

San Diego over Tennessee:
The Chargers' Philip Rivers looked just good enough last week that he might be this year's Ben Roethlisberger but there's still enough time in this season for him to become another Ryan Leaf. That said The Tennessee management thought they could go into the season with Billy (Billy!) Volek as their starter, only to realize he might be this year's Joey Harrington.

New England over Jets:
Since I don?t really have anything to say about this game: hot, drunk lesbian cheerleaders! (By the way, I'm 32 years old.)

Washington over Dallas:
I didn't know about the TomKat Cruise sighting until Monday and my first thought was "I wonder who's shorter?" Anyway, in this matchup of two teams with horrible QBs that show flashes of mediocrity backed up by a good defense, go for the team with the horrible QB that isn't coached by a large bag of gas.

Pittsburg over Jacksonville:
Normally you back the home team in Monday Night Football but last week, the home teams went 0 for 2. Granted one of those teams were the Raiders so it might be too soon to call that a trend. But I'm gonna see if I can somehow start a Charles Batch resurgence bandwagon through my blog.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:45 AM [+] :: | 0 comments

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