:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::
Thoughts, observations, and introspections from an
:: Sunday, August 21, 2005 ::
- Football season is about to start. My expectations for my 49ers are so low that if we somehow squeeze out an 7-9 record, I'm gonna... I don't know... strip naked and howl at the moon.
- I'm going to be the 2,894,453rd person to make the "NHL is back so Canada finally has a reason to exist again" joke.
- I was at the video store and Coach Carter was playing. No matter how hard he tries to play a thug, I'm never gonna be able to take Rick Gonzalez (at right) seriously because every time I see him on the screen, I have this urge to yell "hey SPANISH!"
- Raffy Palmeiro being caught with steroids in his system just proves one thing: you can't trust a guy sporting a 70s porn-stache.
- I was recently subjected to photos of a pregnant Brittany Spears thanks to this guy's blog and no joke, it gave me the shivers. And yet, is anyone surprised by this?
- You can categorize gay guys in South Beach three ways: gays, drag queens, and fags. Not one gay guy is offended by this.
- I wanna meet the guys who came up with Burger King's Coq Roq campaign and ask them exactly what kind of drugs they were on when they came up with this. Seriously, this is the five-headed bastard that resulted when the guys from Slipknot got drunk and had sex with chickens.
- By the way, I haven't tried to those Chicken Fries yet, just because I have a fear of eating food that comes in shapes that don't exist in nature. Same goes for McNuggets. Has anyone else noticed that they come in four distinct shapes? Check it out next time. There's an egg, a diamond, a kidney bean, and a foot. What's that about?
- Chrysler's marketing department should be fired. Seriously. Those ads with Lee Iacocca are terrible.
- Not trying to say this T.O. crap is like a train wreck. I'm saying it's worse. This guy is football's Dennis Rodman. If he decides to write a book and shows up at a signing in S&M gear, I won't be the least bit surprised. I wonder if he's going to look back at this part of life and wonder, "what the hell was I thinking?" Kinda the same way people my age look back at our hairstyles in 80s and cringe. One can only hope.
- I could be alone in this thought but there's something about a girl that drives around in a huge SUV that just screams "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!!!"
- During my night out as a wingman, not only did I get an attractive girl to thumb wrestle me, she thought she could beat me in a game of Hot Hands. I don't know if I should be proud of this.
- I don't follow basketball that much but Detroit hiring Flip Saunders to replace Larry Brown reminds me of Barry Switzer replacing Jerry Johnson after his great run: there might be some success but he's clearly reaping the benefits of someone elseÕs foundation and thereÕs no way he's going to maintain it.
- That's how little I care about basketball. I couldn't think of anything funny to write about a guy named "Flip."
- Every time I read about some girl who says she wears nothing but thongs or g-strings, they're only saying it to be salacious. Especially the ones who say they're "comfortable" which is utter crap. There's no way anyone will convince me that thongs are "comfortable." Not that I have a problem with women wearing thongs or anything, just don't tell me they're comfortable. Although, I guess as long as women wear thongs the "why" doesn't really matter. I don't even know why I mentioned this in the first place.
- Tom Brady surfing for porn doesn't really surprise me. Tom Brady surfing for porn while he's dating Bridget Moynahan? THAT'S surprising. That "steak is great but sometimes you just want a cheeseburger" analogy doesn't apply here. It's like having a closet of full Axe body wash but deciding wash your face in the toilet after taking a piss.
- Jennifer Anniston finally tells all. Does anyone care? Reallly? WHY.
- Are people really surprised that Randy Moss admitted to smoking pot? That's about as absurd as people being surprised when Nathan Lane came out of the closet.
- T.O. is touting his "heroic" and "successful" Super Bowl performance as reason for wanting a huge raise. Let's see, 9 catches for 122 yards and NO touchdowns. NONE. Are you allowed to call it a "success" if you lose? That's right, the Patriots won. Those yards meant about as much as a Sammy Sosa homerun in August when then Cubs are already 12 games behind.
- Guess what? T.O. drives a huge SUV.
- The Dodgers are playing guys with names like Yhency, Duaner, Dioner, Delwyn, Oscar, Olmedo, Odalis, Hee Seop, and Derek. There's two Jeffs, both who look a little crazy. We have Jason Philips, Jason Repko, and Jayson Werth who so far, has been about as useless as the "y" in his name. I now know why Frank McCourt decided against putting names on the uniforms: it's to confuse the fans so they won't realize what a sucky year it's going to be.
- And Duaner Sanchez has the ignominious distinction of having the dirtiest name in baseball. It's almost as dirty as Raffy's mustache.
- Not only does there need to be more Celebrity Roasts but Courtney Love needs to be invited to each one and allowed to do whatever the hell she wants. The potential for unintentional entertainment is mind-boggling.
- And when she was saying that she's been sober for 365 days, she clearly didn't mean consecutively.
- Speaking of which, I will NEVER refer to her as Courtney Love-Cobain.
- Also, Anna Nicole Smith looked pretty damn hot. There I said it.
- ESPN's commercials for their Free Fantasy Football featuring the four girls in pink running shorts and jumping around on a bed are absolutely brilliant for the fact that they have almost nothing to do with Fantasy Football.
- In yet another incredibly pretentious, self-aggrandizing move, Sean Combs want to drop the "P" and just be called "Diddy." And the scary thing is, that's exactly what's going to happen.
- Roger Clemens finally has a bad outing. He gives up 5 earned over 6.1 innings. There goes his Hall of Fame chances.
- Ok, just how the hell does anyone "unknowingly" take steroids? It's like me saying I "unknowingly" ingested large amounts of caffeine. "I swear your honor, I thought it was decaf." It reminds me of that little exchange between Sam and Toby in the first season of "West Wing" after Sam committed a potentially damaging indiscretion:
- Sam: I may have accidentally slept with a prostitute.
- Toby: "Accidentally?"
- Sam: Accidentally.
- Toby: I don't understand. Did you trip?
People aren't idiots so that excuse goes over about as well as Barry Bond's "it's flaxseed oil" crap. Then again, considering Raffy spent the last decade playing in Baltimore and Texas, I kinda understand why he thought he could get away with one.
:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 11:21 PM [+] ::
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