:: Life on Planet Dan-E ::

:: Monday, October 13, 2003 ::

It's rather unfortunate that the concept of being a "metrosexual" has become so prevalent in today's pop culture. Otherwise sane straight guys have actually been buying into this feminization of the male image. It's difficult to pinpoint the cause since you can't just blame things like "Will & Grace," "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" or for that matter, "Sex and the City".

I noticed this trend slowly gathering steam years ago while suddenly being inundated with ads for male plastic surgery in the Sports section of the paper. I've seen ads for "rejuvenating" moisturizers and other beauty products geared specifically for men. Really? Guys need pectoral/butt/calf implants? Or Botox? Are we really that bothered by dry skin? And, outside of actors and male models (who are already gay), who actually gets these? Does the world really need guys who spend more time in the bathroom primping themselves in the morning than women? Do women really want a guy like that?

Apparently, a writer named Mark Simpson from England (it figures) coined this term back in the mid 90s. He writes: "The typical metrosexual is a young man with money to spend, living in or within easy reach of a metropolis -- because that's where all the best shops, clubs, gyms and hairdressers are. He might be gay, straight or bisexual, but this is utterly immaterial because he has clearly taken himself as his own love object and pleasure as his sexual preference."

So one might conclude that this trend isn't really new. It's just that way back when, metrosexuals were referred to as that "vain, self-centered douche."

Who am I to denigrate such a subculture? A little about me: I'm a guy who makes a living in the arts, I freely admit to owning Sarah McLachlan CDs, I know exactly how Maverick felt when Goose died. BUT, I follow football and baseball almost religiously. My grooming can be best described as "scruffy." I've never used a loofah. I can't even describe what that even is. I like that I can wake up at 8:45 and make it to a 9:00 class on time. I'm not proud or ashamed of any of these things, it's just how I am.

What guys need is a shot of testosterone. Not botox.

Don't misunderstand. There isn't anything necessarily wrong with a guy who likes to take care of himself but there are - or should be - limits to what is required of a man. Granted, if a guy has a monobrow that looks like a bumper from a '74 Austin Healey, he should tweeze that to achieve some sort of separation. If a guy's body odor is similar to the underside of a manhole cover, a good bathing, and perhaps a disinfecting, is in order. And even men think that bushy backhair is gross. But if a guy gets indignant over a $34 bottle of bodywash called Fruit-a-vis-a-Fla-la-la because it doesn't contain exfoliants, his priorities are a little skewed. Don't ask if your new designer jeans look "fabulous." And just so we're clear, we don't care that your $20 bottle of lotion smells of jasmine. In fact, don't ever utter the word "jasmine" unless you're referring to your girlfriend or a really hot stripper. Seriously, a $1.50 bar of Zest is just as effective.

I'll also point out that some degree of sensitivity isn't a bad thing either. I think every guy at some point in his life should serenade the women he loves, regardless of singing ability. Or volunteer a few weekends dishing out food at a homeless shelter. You can even admit to your girlfriend that you shed a few tears at the end of "Old Yeller" or that you have an inexorable love for Sarah McLachlan's music. But if you started bawling during "Ann of Green Gables" don't ever admit that in public. Or that you got all flustereed because Bloomingdales ran out of your favorite lotion.

The metrosexual male is analogous to a female bodybuilder, and I'm not referring to fit, athletic women. Athletes like Gabrielle Reese, Mia Hamm, Steffi Graf, and Jennie Finch are impressive displays of power and grace. But when a woman takes working out and building muscle mass to an extreme it's not pretty. She ends up looking masculine. And creepy. (On a personal note, It's just wrong when a woman has bigger thighs than I do.) Likewise, when a man embraces the metrosexual lifestyle, they just come off as girly and again, it's not pretty. Well... actually it might be quite pretty but to a demographic they're not shooting for.

It's not just guys that think this way. I know women who know guys like this and they're always saying that he's just a couple of steps from having a coming-out party. I don't think it's going out on a limb to say that a good number of women enjoy making over their boyfriends: picking out his clothes, grooming him, etc. And most of them, even the "modern women" who are, independent, financially secure, and possess a rich personal life admit that they still want the man to be the man in the relationship. (I once dated girl like this, though she was rather domineering. She liked to walk on the ground I worship.)

I'm not calling for a return to the "me Tarzan, you my bitch" type machismo. Simply, guys should embrace their masculine grit and verve. We're supposed to be a big, hairy, and maybe a little pungent. We shouldn't have to apologize for loving sports and beer, working on our cars, bonding by farting, and believing that baseball caps can be an essential part of a wardrobe ("wardrobe," not "couture"). Guys, should just be guys. Nothing more, nothing less.

:: Miscellaneous Ramblings by Dan-E at 1:56 PM [+] :: |
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